ATS Members "Best Joke" Competition.

Social Security sex

Two men were talking. �So, how�s your sex life?�
�Oh, nothing special. I�m having Social Security sex,�
�Social Security sex?�
�Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!�


Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."



Pregnant Trimesters

A father is advising his son who�s just learned his wife�s pregnant... �There are 3 tri-mesters that you�ll be dealing with to sleep with your wife now... 1st is the missionary tri-mester where you�ll make love with her on her back... 2nd will advance to the doggy tri-mester where you�ll make love with her from behind... The 3rd & last is the coyote tri-mester...�
Son looks at father confused and says... �What�s the coyote position like?�
Dad says �That�s where you get to lay next to the hole and howl all night waiting to see if anything will come out of it.�

And 1 more

Funeral

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, � I�m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....... I�m a gynecologist.�

If you want to hear more...just let me know.

It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate...But sometimes sex is just an embarrassing cock-up. These women were willing to cringe and tell about their Sexual Blunders:

'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly through the flat. I must have hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'

Maureen, manager, 25

'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere, would it? We aren't together any more, but I still have Snoopy.

Anna, journalist, 28

'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are quite open-minded and on our first morning his father brought us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck,like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.

Jane, Estate Agent, 25

'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there,we had cocktails and then went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex underwater. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing - until they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'

Elana, publisher, 32

'I was about 18 I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I didn't really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the bedding, I did catch the words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an experimental nibble or two. Then he started pulling my hair a bit, which I took as a sign of him getting carried away with passion. Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I heard a howl of pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying, "don't bite, don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it any better.'

Nomsa, record company executive, 25

'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls - one eight and the other ten - decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother-in-law was even more horrified. She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My
sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.

Trina, pharmacist, 27

'I'm shy and quite conventional sexually. I'm happiest in the missionary position. My boyfriend, however, is much more experimental and encourages me to try different positions. Once, he persuaded me to get onto all fours and was becoming very excited, ready to enter me from behind. The mood was right: he'd been coaxing me, convincing me that it was beautiful between two loving adults and there was soft music playing on the stereo, when I let off the most enormous fart. Revolting! I was so embarrassed that I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. He laughed and didn't seem to mind at all, which was sweet of him, but my sexual education was put back by at least 10 steps.'

Elaine, marketing manager, 31

On my 24th birth day, my parents, and my brother and sister phoned me to congratulate me, but because they lived so far away, there was no chance that I would see them that night. Not one of my friends or colleagues at work seemed to know that it was my birthday, and I didn't really cared. Later the afternoon, I felt like I didn't want to be alone that night,and called my best friend. She told me that her boyfriend had already bought them movie tickets, and they would be out for most of the night. Then for the first time in my life I phoned a guy that was introduced to me a few weeks earlier, but he was very sorry, he had promised to visit somebody that night. It was only then that I realised that I will be all alone that night. At home, after a long, very relaxing bath, I was combing my hair, and on the stereo I heard a song that I loved. Because I was alone in my apartment, I sprinted naked to the lounge to turn it up. After the song I found the CD and started playing it. I even put on my headphones,and listened to it load. I sank down on the leather couch, and the music and the leather beneath me made me a little horny. I still had my hair brush with the big wooden handle in my hand, and thought, since I'm alone on my birthday, there would be no harm in satisfying myself. So I started working myself with the brush handle. I was thinking of the guy I met a few weeks ago and whispered and moaned his name as I was satisfying myself, naked on the couch with music surrounding me. After several songs and several joyful orgasms, I finally opened my eyes and felt hungry. On that instant I got the fright of my life as the clap of hands and wolf whistles echoed through my apartment. Friends, colleagues and family was cheering me for the excellent show. It was a surprise party, and boy was I surprised. They guy I was fantasising about was a bit red in the face, but grinning from ear to ear. I felt like screaming of embarrassment, but calmly stood up from the couch, took of the headphones and in my nakedness bowed to my audience. To add to my embarrassment, the man I fantasised about picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and carried me off to my bedroom, and refused to leave until I was dressed and joining him and the rest for the party. It was a Wednesday, and I will never forget it. Did I mention that my best friend had a spare key to my apartment, or that my fantasy guy and I got married two years later?

Verona, personnel consultant, 27

Don't f**k with Uncle Bob...hehe...priceless!

British people have sex??? (Just kidding...just doesn't seem "proper", lol!)

[Edited on 30-1-2003 by Gazrok]

A woman sits opposite a man in an empty train carridge.10 minutes into the journey the man sneezes.he takes an hankerchief from his pocket pulls down his zipper takes out his manhood and wipes the end of it.he then puts it away.the woman cant believe her eyes and stares in utter disbelief at the mans newpaper and keeps asking herself "did that just happen" "did that man do what i just thought i saw him do".her questions are quickly answered as once again the man sneezes and repeats the act of taking out his manhood wiping the end of it and putting it away."my god" thought the woman "hes done it again".this time the woman was convinced the man opposite was a disgusting pervert.the man sneezed for a third time and again took out the hankerchief took out his manhood wiped the end of it and puts it away.the woman had had enough"excuse me but thats three times youve sneezed taken your manhood out ,wiped it and put it away.have you got some sort of problem?"yes"replied the man"i have a rare medical condition and i suffer with the embarrassing problem of ejaculating every time i sneeze".this took the woman by surprise and her initial feeling of disgust subsided to one of sympathy for the man and guilt at herself for thinking he was a pervert."are you taking anything for it" "yes"replied the man "snuff".

A boy walks up to his friend's girlfriend (a vegetarian) and starts talking.

"I've been on a vegetarian diet this week," he says.

"Oh really? How's it been going," asks the girl.

"Fine, but the meat's a little stringy." The girl just looks at him in disbelief. The boy continues,"And they are a lot harder to catch than cows!"

Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a
set? Is it
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?

Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." "Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." "So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".

"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

You sure, son?" says Fergie.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer."

"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the H**l did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock.

Here are some classics from Sid Waddell while commentating on darts.

"Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete."

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of
chips.......you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out"

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the
Christians to the Lions."

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

"John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the
Persians"

"There's only one word for that - magic darts!"

Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true Roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax."

"Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in
Essex."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have
gone home."

"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured,
whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of
Notre Dame."

"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league"

"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in
overall body strength."

A Japanese gentleman walks into his local bank to exchange some New Zealand dollars for Yen in preparation for a holiday home to Japan. He walks up to the teller, hands her $10,000 NZ dollars, Teller checks the exchange rate, crunches the numbers and hands him back the appropriate amount of Yen.

The Japanese man looks a little confused and says "'Scuse me, you sure you do number right, I got more Yen last time I return to Japan?"

The Bank Teller replies "Yes sir, that is the correct amount, the exchange rate has changed due to the Kiwi dollar strengthening against the Yen. So you would receive less Yen this time than previously, when the Yen was stronger"

The man looked confused even more, so the Teller replied "Simple fluctuations sir"

The man looked a little shocked and said "What you say?? Fluctu-what??"

The Teller repeated herself, more slowly so he could understand "Fluc-tu-ations sir"

The man became enraged, slammed his fist on the counter and snarled "Fluc-u-asians?? Well fluck you flucking Kiwis too!!!!!"

There was this Swedish couple who had been married for about five years when they agreed that, since both were embarrassed to talk about sex, they would call it by a different name that didn't sound so "racy"...They agreed to "vashing machine" when referring to sex.

One day, the husband had come home from a really bad day at work & needed to relax before going to sleep, so he rolled over & prompted his wife with "vashing machine". However, she'd had a rough day too & just wanted to sleep, so she refused.

Next day was equally bad for both of them & when the husband asked for "vashing machine" that night, she refused yet again. This went on for a couple of more evenings...

The next night, the husband didn't even bother asking about "vashing machine", so the wife started thinking about how she'd been refusing his requests for the past several nights. So wh turned to him and said, "All right darling...Vashing machine".

He replied, "Sorry sweetheart...It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
---------------------------------------------
Okay, how about this?

The fifth-grade teacher had begun to use a reward system for her students: On Friday morning, she'd as a question...Whichever student first answered the question correctly, she'd let them go home for the day, thereby rewarding that student with a three day weekend.

Little Johnny caught on to this pretty quickly...On Thursday night, he melted down the wax from two black candles & rolled up the wax into a pair of balls. Friday morning, he made sure that the wax was in his pocket.

Right after the rollcall, Johnny watched the teacher walk out from behind her desk to stand in front, as was her habit...It was time to get the wax out of his pocket. With perfect timing, he rolled the wax up the aisle between the desks, towards the teacher's desk.

Spotting the movement, the teacher looked down and saw the wax balls rolling on the floor. A bit indignant, she asked, "Alright! Who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Little Johnny jumped up, waving his hand in the air...He said, "Ooo! Ooo! That would be Eddie Murphy! See you next week, teach!"

Yo Mama's so ugly that when she went into a haunted house, the spirits fled yelling: "ghost!!!"


Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says: "to be continued"

Yo mama's so tall, you can preform oral sex on her, while you're both standing up...

Yo mama's so stupid, she sits on the t.v. and looks at the couch.

Yo mama's so ugly, she's covered up by the government.

Yo mama's so ugly, she's the reason why aliens don't come on earth.

Yo Mama's so fat, when she puts on her white coat, snowboarders try to ski on her back...

Yo mama's so fat, when she swam in the
sea, Spain claimed her as theirs and put a flag on her.

Yo mama's so poor, she licks a stamp for nutricion...

Yo mama's so old, she killed the last dinosaur...

Yo mama's so old, she went to the premiere of the Big Bang...

[Edited on 2-2-2003 by TheBandit795]