It's supposed to be tender, romantic, intimate...But sometimes sex is just an embarrassing cock-up. These women were willing to cringe and tell about
their Sexual Blunders:
'One night my boyfriend and I came back to my flat from a party a bit tipsy. As I walked in, I switched on the answering machine to hear if there
were any messages. At that point, he started kissing me, and we ended up having noisy, wildly energetic sex on the floor right there in the entrance
hall. After work the next evening my mum came round for coffee. On my way to the kitchen, I switched the answering machine on again and, as we settled
down with our mugs for a chat, the unmistakable and definitely X-rated sounds of our lovemaking suddenly echoed loudly through the flat. I must have
hit the record button rather than the playback button the night before... My mother prides herself on being broadminded, but this was just too much
for her. She slopped coffee all over herself.'
Maureen, manager, 25
'We'd been going out for about five years and, to be honest, the sex wasn't that exciting. One night, as he was going through the motions, I lost
concentration. I started to think about the chores I had to do the next day - one of which was to take the dog to the vet for some booster shots. Just
then he must have hit a spot because I suddenly called "Snoopy!" (The dog's name, naturally.) I still cringe when I think about it, particularly
as I just couldn't think of any excuse to explain myself. The truth wouldn't exactly have helped to improve the atmosphere, would it? We aren't
together any more, but I still have Snoopy.
Anna, journalist, 28
'One Christmas, I went with my boyfriend to his parents' home for a few days. They are quite open-minded and on our first morning his father brought
us tea in bed. This was embarrassing enough, but as he turned to walk out the door, I noticed that he was standing on a condom we had recklessly
discarded on the carpet during the night. It was stuck,like a persistent piece of Sellotape, to his slipper. I was hysterical and we couldn't think
of what to say to him. "Excuse me, father, there's a condom stuck to your foot." (I think not.) Afterwards we decided to act as if nothing had
happened and so did he. But I wasn't able to look him straight in the eye again for the rest of the holiday.
Jane, Estate Agent, 25
'On our first holiday together, we went to Mauritius where we had booked a room in a lovely hotel. On our first night there,we had cocktails and then
went for a romantic stroll along the beach. When we came back, we lay down on one of the chaise lounges next to the pool. It seemed deserted and we
started getting really steamy. I kept looking around to check that there was absolutely no-one there - and there wasn't. So we slipped out of our
clothes and slid into the pool to see if it was possible to have sex underwater. We were doing quite well with our experiment when suddenly, out of
nowhere, a member of the hotel staff appeared and told us, very politely, that it was better to keep intimacy to our bedroom. The pool, he added, had
an underwater window that made up one of the walls of the hotel's disco, and we had been the floor show for all the guests who were dancing - until
they had seen us. I was so humiliated that I made my boyfriend check us out of the hotel first thing the next morning, and I spent the rest of the
holiday dreading the flight back in case anyone recognised us.'
Elana, publisher, 32
'I was about 18 I first went down on a man. It was winter and we were cuddled up under a heap of duvets. When he guided my head down, I didn't
really know what to do, so I was quite relieved when I heard him telling me. Although his voice was rather muffled by all the bedding, I did catch the
words, "bite ... bite", so I tried an experimental nibble or two. Then he started pulling my hair a bit, which I took as a sign of him getting
carried away with passion. Assuming this meant that he was really enjoying what I was doing, I became a bit braver and nibbled harder. Suddenly I
heard a howl of pain. Only after I'd scrambled out from under the covers to find out what I was doing wrong did I realise he'd been saying,
"don't bite, don't bite". Telling him that it was my first time didn't make it any better.'
Nomsa, record company executive, 25
'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a little
role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black and white frilly maid's
outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of vinyl and leather too. A few months ago my
mother-in-law came over one evening to baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters. While she was watching television, the girls - one
eight and the other ten - decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's cupboard. Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my
brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the eight-year-old dressed as an
Egyptian slave-girl. My mother-in-law was even more horrified. She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls had been hiding in our bedroom
waiting to 'surprise' us - and they weren't disappointed! They had five open-mouthed adults staring at them in utter amazement. My
sister was furious - and still is, I'm afraid.
Trina, pharmacist, 27
'I'm shy and quite conventional sexually. I'm happiest in the missionary position. My boyfriend, however, is much more experimental and encourages
me to try different positions. Once, he persuaded me to get onto all fours and was becoming very excited, ready to enter me from behind. The mood was
right: he'd been coaxing me, convincing me that it was beautiful between two loving adults and there was soft music playing on the stereo, when I
let off the most enormous fart. Revolting! I was so embarrassed that I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. He laughed and didn't seem to mind
at all, which was sweet of him, but my sexual education was put back by at least 10 steps.'
Elaine, marketing manager, 31
On my 24th birth day, my parents, and my brother and sister phoned me to congratulate me, but because they lived so far away, there was no chance that
I would see them that night. Not one of my friends or colleagues at work seemed to know that it was my birthday, and I didn't really cared. Later
the afternoon, I felt like I didn't want to be alone that night,and called my best friend. She told me that her boyfriend had already bought them
movie tickets, and they would be out for most of the night. Then for the first time in my life I phoned a guy that was introduced to me a few weeks
earlier, but he was very sorry, he had promised to visit somebody that night. It was only then that I realised that I will be all alone that night.
At home, after a long, very relaxing bath, I was combing my hair, and on the stereo I heard a song that I loved. Because I was alone in my apartment,
I sprinted naked to the lounge to turn it up. After the song I found the CD and started playing it. I even put on my headphones,and listened to it
load. I sank down on the leather couch, and the music and the leather beneath me made me a little horny. I still had my hair brush with the big
wooden handle in my hand, and thought, since I'm alone on my birthday, there would be no harm in satisfying myself. So I started working myself with
the brush handle. I was thinking of the guy I met a few weeks ago and whispered and moaned his name as I was satisfying myself, naked on the couch
with music surrounding me. After several songs and several joyful orgasms, I finally opened my eyes and felt hungry. On that instant I got the fright
of my life as the clap of hands and wolf whistles echoed through my apartment. Friends, colleagues and family was cheering me for the excellent show.
It was a surprise party, and boy was I surprised. They guy I was fantasising about was a bit red in the face, but grinning from ear to ear. I felt
like screaming of embarrassment, but calmly stood up from the couch, took of the headphones and in my nakedness bowed to my audience. To add to my
embarrassment, the man I fantasised about picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and carried me off to my bedroom, and refused to leave until I was
dressed and joining him and the rest for the party. It was a Wednesday, and I will never forget it. Did I mention that my best friend had a spare key
to my apartment, or that my fantasy guy and I got married two years later?
Verona, personnel consultant, 27