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ATS Members "Best Joke" Competition.

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posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 04:22 PM
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Hi guys, A little on the lighter side of things.. I am looking for the funniest joke. I'll start the ball rolling shall I.

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

HA! I wet myself the first time I heard that..

Winner shall recieve A big sloppy wet kiss from me!

Chris




posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 04:57 PM
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OK, here goes. This is the best joke I know.

A rabbit and a bear found a magic lamp, and rubbed it at the same time. The genie came out and said "Since you rubbed the lamp at the same time, both of you will recieve three wishes." The bear said, "OK, I'll go first. I want all the bears in the forest, except me, to be female." And it was so. Then the rabbit went. "I want I bike helmet." Which he got. The bear went again. "I want all the bears on the continent, except me, to be female." This happened. So the rabbit went again. "I want a motorcycle." The motorcycle came, and he hopped on. The bear then took his final wish. "I want all the bears on the planet, except me, to be female." Once again, it was so. The rabbit snickered and revved up his bike. "I wish that the bear was gay." And he drove away. The bear just screamed as the wish came true.



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:15 PM
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."


She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."


That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shoot, it started"



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:16 PM
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A woman pregnant w/ triplets was walking through town one day when a robber came out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Fortunately, the babies were ok, and the surgeon decided to leave the bullets in, since surgery would be too risky.

She later gave birth to two healthy girls and one healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, until one day one daughter walked in her mother's room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mom. "I was taking a tinkle, and out came a bullet." The mother told her what happened 16 years ago, and assured her it was ok.

About a week later, the other daughter walked in the room crying, saying "I was taking a tinkle, and this bullet came out." Once again, the mother assured her daughter that everything was fine, and explained why that happened.

About a week after that, her son walked into the room in tears, and the mother said "Its ok son, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out, right?" The boy replied "No, I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog."



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:17 PM
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one". She went completely
ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:19 PM
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make
mental note--must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth; arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa
Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure
that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet
and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit,
tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up
any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend
an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife
along the way, shake wiener at her making the
"woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size
of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water
just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the
shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates
and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on
the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in
the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to
notice water on the floor because you left the curtain
hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your
waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel,
shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed.



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:20 PM
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A cat burglar came to my house last night...
...there were no animals so he left


Went to the crowded house concert last weekend...
...couldn't get in



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:22 PM
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sorry, those were really bad



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:24 PM
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're as*holes!"



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:28 PM
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It's pink.... and when you put it in a bag it turns into blue.......?

a baby



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:43 PM
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A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making a cake.
She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?"
Her mother replied, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?"



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 05:49 PM
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why do gorillas have big nostrils???

because they have big fingers.


AF1

posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 07:29 PM
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Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you
from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

*******************************************

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."

A Force Recon Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t. "

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"

**********************************

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier,
can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The
voice on the other end asked. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half
dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of
motorcycles, and fat-a*s Johnson's command jeep." "Soldier? Do you know
who you are speaking to?" "No sir." "This is Major Johnson, your
commander!" "Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?" "Not
yet!" "That's good! Bye, Fat-A*s!"

***************************************

3 Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of
tracks. The first marine said "Those are deer tracks." The second
marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third marine said "You're
both wrong, those are moose tracks." The marines were still arguing
when the train hit them.



[Edited on 1-30-2003 by AF1]



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 08:19 PM
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 08:34 PM
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Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a Pickfords truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and choons, "Hey,you moving?" Nooit bru, we just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign!!."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big bass and this idiot on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nooit cuzzi, talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a petrol station. The 'pump jockey' walks out, looks at my car,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he choons, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nooit Bubba. I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me - Here's your sign."

I was trying to sell my van about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to then house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Jislaaik, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him!!

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days in the 'mag'. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning.. ok.. no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him took my sign off and chooned, "No ... I'm delivering a bridge here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and chooned, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I
left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your chinas!!. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is..!!!!



posted on Jan, 29 2003 @ 09:23 PM
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.



posted on Jan, 30 2003 @ 12:05 AM
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Originally posted by CiderGood_HeadacheBad
Went to the crowded house concert last weekend...
...couldn't get in



...bonus points for mentioning Crowded House!



posted on Jan, 30 2003 @ 07:28 AM
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A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.

"Where have you been?" asks the police officer.
"To the Pub", slurs the drunk.
"Well", says the cop, "do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh thank heavens!" sighs the man. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



posted on Jan, 30 2003 @ 07:42 AM
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A man walks into a French restaurant sits down and asks the'waiter have you frog's legs? the waiter, reply's yes in that case then hop in to the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.

[Edited on 30-1-2003 by SE7EN]



posted on Jan, 30 2003 @ 09:22 AM
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First one,
A lifeguard is sitting on his perched chair tower, when he looks down the beach, and sees a woman crying. He goes over to her, and realizes that she has no arms, and no legs. He says, "Excuse me miss, why are you crying?" She replies, "I'm 20 years old, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged," and she starts sobbing. He figures, what the heck, and gives her a hug, and she smiles. A week later, he's on his perch, and sees the same woman crying again. He goes over, and asks, "Hi, what's wrong?" She says, "I'm 20 years old, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed," and again, starts sobbing. He figures, what the heck, and gives her a kiss, and she smiles. Another week later, he sees the same woman. By now, he's a little miffed, but he figures she probably just needs some cheering up. "What's the matter this time?" He asks. She replies, "I'm 20 years old, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been f***ed," and again starts crying. He looks down at her, smiles, picks her up gently, cradling her in his arms, and starts to walk towards the ocean...he then throws her in as far as he can and yells, "There! Now you're f***ed!!!"

Second one,
A man walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar, and takes out a crumpled paper bag. The bartender notices that there is movement in the bag. He asks the man, "Hey, what's in the bag?" The man replies, "Do you really want to see?" "Sure" says the bartender. So, the man pulls a tiny little piano out of the bag. He then follows with a little stool, then a tiny little man, about 1 foot tall, complete with tux and tails...who then sits, and begins playing the piano. "Where the heck did you get that?" the bartender asks. "From this," the man says, as he brandishes a brass genie-style lamp. "Just rub it," he explains. The bartender picks up the lamp, rubs it, and a stream of vapor issues forth, and forms into a genie. "I will grant you one wish," explains the genie. "Great!" the bartender replies, and whispers his wish to the genie. "Your wish is granted!" bellows the genie. A few ducks begin popping up all around the room, then more, then more, until the place is swarming with ducks! "What the heck? This wasn't my wish! I wished for a million bucks!" the bartender exclaims. The man replies, "You think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?...Damned hard of hearing genie..."


[Edited on 30-1-2003 by Gazrok]



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