(2003-01-27) -- U.S. President George Bush, in tomorrow night's state of the union speech, will announce he is scrapping plans for an invasion of
Iraq because of the "new bond of trust" established between the two countries.
"Thanks to the United Nations inspections process," the speech begins, "A new bond of trust has developed between the United States and the
Republic of Iraq. We can be assured that Iraq is clean. I really thought they had weapons of mass destruction, because they used to, but we know
they're all gone, because the inspectors can't find them. What can I say? I was wrong. It's time to mend fences, and welcome Iraq back into the
fellowship of peace-loving nations."
A leaked copy of the speech shows that Bush will publicly apologize to Saddam Hussein for "ever having doubted this respected world leader."
An unnamed White House source said Mr. Bush has called Mr. Hussein on the phone to concede his error and beg forgiveness. The Iraqi leader apparently
welcomed the call, and said "No hard feelings."
The often-playful Mr. Bush even has a nickname now for the Iraqi president, according to the source, "He calls him 'Hussy'."
Daschle Proposes Ban on Uncertainty, Stocks Rally
(2003-01-27) -- The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained 27,432 points in heavy trading today on news that Sen. Tom Daschle, D-SD, will propose a bill
making uncertainty illegal.
Investors, previously plagued with worry, instantly flooded the market with cash, buying up stocks now guaranteed to bring double-digit annual
"I've studied the history of the stock market," said Sen. Daschle, "and it always drops during times of uncertainty. As a Democrat, I believe
there's nothing you can't change by passing a law. So, let's whip uncertainty now."
[Edited on 01/29/03 by nyeff]