Why do i or others have trouble making eye contact?

I have this issue also. I am 35 and I get around it. The thing to do is to look as close to their eyes as possible. I do that most of the time for interviews and something important.

Altho making eye contact isn't a big thing because you learn other ways about people and how they react to situations around them.. Without looking at someone I can tell just by voice most of the time what kinda mood they are in or without them talking I can tell what mood or kinda person they are.

All and all I think eye contact is over rated and so on because sometimes ones eyes may not lead you to who one is. A Lot of other things involved with them will lead you to a straight answer. usually I can judge someone within the 1st 10 mins of seeing them and know what kinda of person they are. I guess that is why I don't have many friends. and yes I am about 99.98% right on my judgement on someone. To the point that nobody likes it cause I am that right.

reply to post by David9176


Thank you very much for bringing this to my attention. I never really gave much thought to it but like Pax said,

Originally posted by paxnatus
He said the main reason he cannot look someone in the eye, is because it is so distracting. He cannot look and listen at the same time.

This happens to me especially around females I find attractive. I get lost in the beauty perhaps and this results in loss of concentration to what they are saying.

Maybe we all should just look into each others eyes and we can connect on a whole other level.

[edit on 24-1-2009 by Unlimitedpossibilities]

i used to have this problem then i learned that girls find it sexy if you can look them right in the eye without lookin like a weirdo lol! but when i think i'm having trouble making eye contact i think of that. and i think it shows confidence to make and keep eye contact, i find that people will take you more seriously.

I have this "problem" too sometimes. For me (also a night owl if that makes any difference) when I look someone in the eye I am revealing myself to them and they are revealing them self to me. For some revealing themselves to others is the problem, for me it is definitely the opposite. Sometimes when I look into people's eyes it makes me sad especially if they are forcing me to look them in the eye. Most people though look empty and that also makes me sad and the same people are always wearing a fake smile or are acting a certain way to be accepted without any real feeling. I think it has something to do with empathy. And some people want me to look them in the eye, but I feel uncomfortable doing so, it is the worst. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and the eyelids are the curtains. Do you not like people looking in the window or do you not like to look out the window?

[edit on 24-1-2009 by cancerian42]

ASPERGER'S DISORDER HOMEPAGE
www.aspergers.com...

Thought i'd post this for anyone who may be interested. Lots of information there that some may find useful.

This is definitely an eye opener to me.

Thanks again for all the information and experiences many of u have shared.

reply to post by TheSingularity

Originally posted by paxnatus ...I am quite certain that this is something you cannot control and is not related to your self esteem. Good luck, Pax


" I wouldn't be so certain. For me, it just took taking 10 mins out of my day and out of my routine or rut that I was in. It just takes effort to wake-up out of your sleeping, mechanical state."


Oh, I agree you can control it once you are aware. I was refering to and involuntary response vs a voluntary one.

reply to post by David9176


It could be that you are (unconsciously) more sensitive to thoughts and vibrations than the average person and you are uncomfortable being able to read others.

I don't have a problem looking most people in the eye. Unless of course, they are trying to explain something to me ie; directions, instructions, etc. especially if they are longgggg drawn out explanations. I lose eye contact and in my head I'm thinking, oh crap, I have no idea what this person is talking about. I can't look them in the eye anymore because I feel if I do, they'll know I have no idea what they are saying.

I have an aunt who's eyes shiver back and forth constantly while she's talking( she's ALWAYS talking!) and I can't focus on what she's saying with those eyes shifting back and forth. I can't concentrate so everything she is saying is coming across to me as blah, blah, blah, blah.........what the heck is she talking about. I occassionally nod, or shake my head so she thinks I'm into the conversation, when in all reality, I have NO idea what she said. That in turn, makes me feel a little bad cause I let her run on and on and on...well, I think you get the drift.

I blame this on my adhd, but who knows?

reply to post by David9176


Holy crap! You've just described me to a T...I always thought it was because I'd grown up in southern California and out there you just don't do that, in moving to the South, people have always commented that I seemed like I was lying all the time cuz I never looked people in the eye. The symptoms of AS are ALL there. THANK YOU for this post, seriously!

reply to post by MischeviousElf


@Mischievous elf, that upside-down triangle trick sounds like a good one. I've kind of done that in the past with chicks with nice breasts that I wanted to send a subconscious signal to. Or, when I just can't help noticing. I'll look them in the eye, but there will be one of those imaginary dotted lines going from my eyes to her breasts

@David, thanks for the post bro, and to the other poster that brought up aspergers syndrome. Just today I was thinking about posting a thread kind of like this but I couldn't put it into words.

Yeah, I open up a lot more with alcohol and some of my best night's sleep has been after passing out... and I would actually wake up early feeling not tired!

But, I've been attributing my probs with ADD and have been taking melatonin to induce sleep. It's great. It's like what some kid said on an ADD forum, "I never knew what it feel like to be sleepy, and I like it."

So, do you feel like you finally come "alive" or wake up around 10:00 pm and then feel like you have to get some kind of "living" in before you hit the sack? Even if it's just surfing the net, I feel like I'll be missing out on something if I just crash. Then, in the morning, it takes all day to get my mind back. Does that sound familiar?

Can't say exactly what your problem is, but i can share my own experience about having trouble with it.

Basically it boils down to this. If i'm having a hard time connecting with someone or generally do not like the person, i'll have a hard time looking into his/her eyes. And vice versa.

Me and my fathers relationship have been stressed out alot through my childhood and to this day we both have trouble looking into eachothers eyes.

With my GF i can always look her into the eye i could never ever be tense around her and i sometimes just stare into her eyes for fun making funny faces or whatever.

Suggest you make some staring contest with your wife.

I must say it sounds serious because i can never imagine beeing tense around people i love that i can't look them in the eye.

Just from looking at your pic though i can sense i wouldn't have trouble looking into your eyes. It's a funny thing really, how i sense right away if i could get along with people.

Originally posted by invisiblewoman

there is an old method of psycho therapy called Transactional Analysis,

would you like some warm fuzzies , or some cold pricklies?


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to OP. I've had this issue before ... and it wasn't because of low self-esteem. It was more because i was trying too hard not to do it that I couldn't get my mind off of doing it.
It had a lot to do with not relaxing and just following what the person was saying.. letting my mind wander into the phenomena of our eyes meeting.

almost as if it was something going on behind the scene
it also got to the point where it wasn't anything negative i felt about eye contact.. it was just that during long conversations with someone.. i might get this feeling where if i looked at them directly in the eye.... it would be "too intense" for them to handle. and they would avert their eyes permanently... almost like when i make the eye contact.. i'm looking directly into their soul. making some sort of extroardinary penetration which can be uncomfortable to the unsuspecting.. so i kept it at bay to avoid discomfort on both parties behalf..

so it wasn't that much of a lack of will power.. it was in essence .. too much at once.



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[edit on 24-1-2009 by prevenge]

Wow, this is a trip. Just last week I was pondering my problems and a wild idea of me having some sort of very mild autism popped in my head. I never got around to researching it. That Asperger's Syndrome description sounds just like me. I've been tackling the ADD my own non-prescription way... I'm still experimenting on that front. That site says there are no treatments or cure, per sey. You have to treat the individual symptoms.

i always try to look people in the eyes, escpecially when I do not know them.

It is like calling a strange r"Sir or Ma'am," i feel it is just the polite thing to do.

Besides that, I think it indicateshonesty on my part, and that they will be less likely to lie to me if there is eye contact.

reply to post by David9176


You don't have Aspergers, man! I used to work with kids who had a broad range of social and mental disorders. It sounds pretty vague, but I can tell just by the way you interact that you definitely don't have Aspergers. Personally, I think it's a cop out for severe social anxiety/communication issues.

Just "work on it."

Be conscious of it.

I personally burn holes through people. It's good measure as to what kind of person they are.

Originally posted by David9176
reply to post by Walkswithfish

 

Another thing i've always noticed about myself is that when i drink alcohol, I don't do this stuff. I'm the exact opposite. I talk to everyone, make eye contact, fine with personal space, etc. ALso, i have no trouble falling asleep..

It may have to do with self confidence and that you feel you are not worthy for what ever the reason. When you drink alcohol as you know it tends to relax you and if you drink too much it dules the scences of course.

This is what has made me feel much better mentally and physically about myself I have been taking certified organic seaweed capsules. I did not realize that over 90% of the population in the U.S. is difficient in iodine and you know why because the food diet we eat is difficient in minerals as well as iodine.

I am not saying this will help you it has helped me feel better and become more self confident. Further more I had no idea how important the thyroid gland was in the human body and how important a balance of iodine is for the proper function of the thyroid.

reply to post by TheSingularity

So, do you feel like you finally come "alive" or wake up around 10:00 pm and then feel like you have to get some kind of "living" in before you hit the sack? Even if it's just surfing the net, I feel like I'll be missing out on something if I just crash. Then, in the morning, it takes all day to get my mind back. Does that sound familiar?

This is me. I am exactly the same way. I'm up late because i think i may miss something. I kinda like it in a way. For the most part I don't mind being by myself most of the time. That doesn't bother me much. I've always been independent in my thinking and my views. I've never seemed to look at things the same as others i know as well.

I don't know if i qualify under this disorder or not, but it's comforting to know that i'm not alone in how i am and view things.

You seem to be alittle to much like me.

reply to post by DeadFlagBlues

It sounds pretty vague, but I can tell just by the way you interact that you definitely don't have Aspergers.

It is vague. Like i stated, some of the the things under the description i am similar with, but others are not. Personally I don't think I have this but many seem to have the same problem that I have.

Just curious, how am I interacting that gives u this impression?

I can look my close friends in the eyes and thats it.

i had this issue between 16-18, try being a kid and not looking anyone in the eyes, most people, thought i was lying to them or just stole something. i eventually got over it long term, using the mirror method.

In the meantime, i would just look at peoples noses. It makes it look like your looking in the eye, and it's close enough to the eyes that the transition isn't that bad. Of course it can get to the point sometimes where all your thinking is "why am i conversing with a nose?"

Aspergers, i'll have to look into that, but i'm pretty social, so i'd rule it out. i grew up in "gang culture" and if you looked anyone in the eyes for more than a few seconds, it was showdown time. People would get extremely upset at it. In hindsight, its not very hard to see why normal people got upset . Usually i really had stole something or was lying

Good luck man, i know its hard habit to break, just keep at it, persistence is key.

Love and Peace