Suicide by genotype - or 'am I responsible or accountable

This is difficult to express but I will try. I have severe treatment resistant depression. I have been on so many anti-depressants and have been in and out of so many psych hospitals that I should have frequent patient rewards or something. Currently I'm off all of my meds and not under medical supervision. I'm unemployed and on disability, but my meds are not covered - so it is the only choice I have. I guess my question or thoughts on this is pretty much summed in one word - suicide. I have only attempted it once - I was found unconscious in my room after drinking 470ml of vodka and a months supply of Klonopin. "Lucky me" the got to me just in time so they say - hmm.

I have been astral projecting off and on for three years, I guess I have been using these jaunts to the astral plane to scope out what after-life would be and what it means to me, in particular in relation to those of us who commit suicide. Well, I have found out little or accountableand conflicting information. When I project I seem to project to the plane when it is night there, what I mean is that is dark like nighttime I can still see but I see only a narrow field vision, the surrounding material is blackish sponge like. I feel a lot of dread, impending doom and the drive to escape. It feels that I'm surrounded by negative dark vibrations/energy. At the same time I feel that this is not where I belong, I make a conscious decision to leave that area/plane/level. I tell myself to think of "light", I focus my thoughts to jump/reach up and to lighten my being. I do achieve escape velocity and leave the darkness behind me but it is a strain and takes a tremendous amount of concentration and effort to shed the night. The efforts to achieve the escape of the darkness has escalated to a new level of effort and consequences. The other morning I had a dream where I had to work very, very hard to escape the dark. This effort is now manifesting into the wakeful plane, I woke up from one these escape experiences on the floor of my room holding my leg for because it hurt so bad. I had torn the calf muscle.

I guess I'm looking for suggestions. I have read on this boards and others conflicting information. Basically the info runs the gamut of the " beings that occupy" the higher planes have little thought of what occurs on the lower planes to that of the karma regulation system were it would have one that committed suicide would reincarnate immediately and have to burn through the karma of killing yourself plus all the karma you were dealing with prior to the killing. Also, I have read that I would be "punished" for the killing of the self by reincarnating and living a life where those who I love would be torn from me by death.

My thoughts on all of this is this and BY NO MEANS I'm I trying to belittle the action or seek justification by claiming slippery logic. I play the game by the rules, I understand that there are hardships and strife. But anyone that is cast into this hell we call life with a bio-chemical disadvantage or a front-lobe that no-worky with the usual feedback system for knowledge and attaining wisdom does not apply. I mean life is crazy and I'm crazy and how am I suppose to see my way out that kind of slanted situation. I can't trust life for our collective reality is influenced by dark, evil beings to keep us from our higher selves. I can't trust my own internal process, for it out of balance, it does not relay information without to the within correctly. Now I'm personally responsible for those two extremely strong influences on my procession to enlightenment which I have no control over.

reply to post by mojoFILTER

I think enlightenment is the key. Spiritual learning may be the best way to help you cope with your feelings. I would not recommend suicide because I believe that it hinders ones spiritual journey. Have you considered alternative forms of therapy for your depression. Just because big pharma can't help you doesn't mean that help isn't out there.

I do not trust big pharma when it comes to imbalances and all that... That said, I agree with ShAuNmAn... Really, spiritual learning will be the only way to find peace.

As the 'enlightenment' process progresses, the underlying issues will be worked out. Honestly, it is a very tough process. I hit a roadblock a short time ago, that I am not ready to face. It really hurts and hinders spiritual development.
Someday, eh?

I found an herb that is legal though, and completely natural.. and helps me deal with people, outside, stresses/life, etc... It's a temporary fix, just like the junk big-pharma pushes on people. But I would be willing to share in u2u, if you are curious.

If you need someone to talk to... Me, and several others here, I found, are usually pretty nice and approachable.

Check out this video.

I'm not saying it's for you - the therapy the man chose, more I want you to hear his story and of his plight and courage to regain himself.

Best of luck to you and may you be blessed by all that's good.

Check out this Video

peace

yo, you posted this exact post yesterday? and i replied to it then.

please read my reply.. im not wanting to double post .

www.abovetopsecret.com...

reply to post by boaby_phet

Wow I didn't even realize that. Maybe the OP forgot that he(?) posted it. The person seems to have a lot going through their mind at the moment.

Thank-you for all the replies