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Suicide by genotype - or 'am I responsible or accountable

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posted on Jan, 19 2009 @ 04:22 AM
This is difficult to express but I will try. I have severe treatment resistant depression. I have been on so many anti-depressants and have been in and out of so many psych hospitals that I should have frequent patient rewards or something. Currently I'm off all of my meds and not under medical supervision. I'm unemployed and on disability, but my meds are not covered - so it is the only choice I have. I guess my question or thoughts on this is pretty much summed in one word - suicide. I have only attempted it once - I was found unconscious in my room after drinking 470ml of vodka and a months supply of Klonopin. "Lucky me" the got to me just in time so they say - hmm.

I have been astral projecting off and on for three years, I guess I have been using these jaunts to the astral plane to scope out what after-life would be and what it means to me, in particular in relation to those of us who commit suicide. Well, I have found out little or accountableand conflicting information. When I project I seem to project to the plane when it is night there, what I mean is that is dark like nighttime I can still see but I see only a narrow field vision, the surrounding material is blackish sponge like. I feel a lot of dread, impending doom and the drive to escape. It feels that I'm surrounded by negative dark vibrations/energy. At the same time I feel that this is not where I belong, I make a conscious decision to leave that area/plane/level. I tell myself to think of "light", I focus my thoughts to jump/reach up and to lighten my being. I do achieve escape velocity and leave the darkness behind me but it is a strain and takes a tremendous amount of concentration and effort to shed the night. The efforts to achieve the escape of the darkness has escalated to a new level of effort and consequences. The other morning I had a dream where I had to work very, very hard to escape the dark. This effort is now manifesting into the wakeful plane, I woke up from one these escape experiences on the floor of my room holding my leg for because it hurt so bad. I had torn the calf muscle.

I guess I'm looking for suggestions. I have read on this boards and others conflicting information. Basically the info runs the gamut of the " beings that occupy" the higher planes have little thought of what occurs on the lower planes to that of the karma regulation system were it would have one that committed suicide would reincarnate immediately and have to burn through the karma of killing yourself plus all the karma you were dealing with prior to the killing. Also, I have read that I would be "punished" for the killing of the self by reincarnating and living a life where those who I love would be torn from me by death.

My thoughts on all of this is this and BY NO MEANS I'm I trying to belittle the action or seek justification by claiming slippery logic. But please give me a [snip] break. I play the game by the rules, I understand that there are hardships and strife. But anyone that is cast into this hell we call life with a bio-chemical disadvantage or a front-lobe that no-worky with the usual feedback system for knowledge and attaining wisdom does not apply. I mean life is crazy and I'm crazy and how am I suppose to see my way out that kind of slanted situation. I can't trust life for our collective reality is influenced by dark, evil beings to keep us from our higher selves. I can't trust my own internal process, for it out of balance, it does not relay information without to the within correctly. Now I'm personally responsible for those two extremely strong influences on my procession to enlightenment which I have no control over.

Mod Edit: Profanity/Circumvention Of Censors – Please Review This Link.

[edit on 19-1-2009 by 12m8keall2c]

posted on Jan, 19 2009 @ 04:56 AM
I hope this link will help you. If it doesn't, or if you need more information as far a karma or planes go, feel free to contact me through the methods I mention in my profile or a U2U

posted on Jan, 19 2009 @ 05:23 AM
yo dude. first, im no dr or fancy speaker, but i know about depression and it does drive people insane.

what i have sussed works is to find a few things in life that when you have them your happy, their will be some, mine is as simple as having some tea bags, tobbacco and (sorry mods) a bit of weed. I woudl never take prescribed anti depression drugs as all the drugs do is numb you to the saddness that comes and goes. As long as i have that 3 minimums in my life i can function, its not perfect but it works and it manages to keep my mind off being depressed.

i was also a lot worse and more manic in the depression front before i had a job (i was unemployed for ages). Idle hands do the devils work the saying says, and i really know what that means. When im not doing anything, just sitting about depression sets in fast, when im doing stuff it trys to pop its head up but because im doing something the bad thoughts just fade away.

Suicide .. really, its not worth it , i thought that would help but i (a) didnt have teh balls and (b) its pointless. I came to teh assumption that being dead wouldnt sort anything, it would maybe make some ppl sad for a change, but it would also devestate family and friends and thats not good.

i dont know how or if your disabled, but you say your signed off work so i guess you are in some form, if your signed off with depression, then try and get into work..something easy where you can speak to people about nothing peticiluar, or even start playing some online community game.

ill close with this.. if things are that bad you think your better off dead, then seriously it can only get better!! try and think possitive, have some day dreams about things you want in life then try achieving them goals, even if you dont achieve them, thinking about something possitive will help.

oh.. and ditch the astral projection ect, stuff like that will mess you up even more.. get something solid in your life, something possitive that to actualy do or touch and spend time on that.

hope my words help a bit, like i said, im no dr or seriously intelligent dude, but i go through depressive outbursts and they such, what i said above is what has helped me through the last part of my life.


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