Eruption

page: 1
0

log in

join

posted on Apr, 7 2004 @ 05:43 AM
link   
My eyes open, It seems overcast this morning.

I turn my body and shuffle my feet off the bed and onto the floor
I slowly and sleepily walk to the kitchen for a drink of water, my head is pounding.
"something smells funny" hmm must be my flatmate john's cooking, I then turn the television on the ads are on so I think I'll go and have a shower.

I turn the shower on and wait for the water to warm up, I then get in.

whoops I forgot to undress "last night musthave been big" I think to myself.

(telephone rings) I get out of the shower to answer the phone, but i'm to late and the answering machine picks up "You have reached the residents of john and Bradley, please leave your message after the beep" (BEEP..) "hi Brad this is your boss Mr Richards here, don't come into work today, go and visit your family, say good bye" I then pick up "this is brad here, why??" I say with worry in my voice. "just do it, trust me, you'll find out in a minute", "ok boss have a good day" I say with a happy tone, "it can only get better" says my boss.

I finish my shower and put on some good clothes, after all I am going to see my parents.
I then go out to the kitchen to pour a strong coffee where I can overhear the tvnews "Breaking news this morning, a state of emergency has been declared in every major country on the globe"

Now I am worried "What The F#%K" I yell with both anger and fear, just as the tv picture goes out and all I can see is noise.

"gotta ring mum and dad" I pick up the receiver "what's the damn number" I whisper "why am I whispering" I yell. "why am I like this damnit" I think to myself.

"Bradley" yell's a sexy young voice from my room, "what" I snap.

"Bradley come here babe there's something I wanna show you", "what who are you, and how do you know my name" I say as I get to the door, headache still pounding my head.

"Bradley, don't tell me you don't remember last night, after all three times is my record"
"um ok then, I don't remember, I have a massive headache and for some reason I have to go and see my parents instead of going to work"

"ok I'll be leaving then" says this mystery goddess. "ok then"

so I lock the place up and try finding my parents number on my cell phone speed dial.

"Mum, this is brad" I say "Bradley come over as soon as possible, there are many things I need to tell you." says my mum. "Ok I'll be there soon, love you bye"

still wondering I scratch, then I start my car up, thick black smoke blows from the exhaust "damnit, I gotta get that fixed before I get a ticket", I pull onto the highway and head for the hills, we'll the foot of Mt Warning, a million year old volcano. as I get closer I feel a tremendous feeling of fear for what I might find at my parents house.

about 30 mins into my trip I see my parents flag me down on the side of the road from their broken down car, so I pull over "mum, dad what's the deal" I say, "Son take us far away from here it is imperative that we leave now" says my father in a stern voice.

5mins later

"Is that everything dad", "yes, we gotta leave now".

so I turn the car around and head for the sunshine coast "dad what is happening" I say worrying, My dad then pipes up and says "don't worry, but there's been an eruption, see the smoke behind us??, that's from our house", "what" I say getting more worried. "there's been a volcanic eruption and people were trying to loot our hose, we found then and they wouldn't leave, so the set the house alight and we lost everything", I question dad "where??, when, was it last night??, is that why it's overcast dad, talk to me"

"Don't worry, just get to aunt Jennifer's house as soon as possible", "ok"

I turn the car off the highway onto the back streets near my aunties house, it felt like we got there in a flash, dad says it was just the adrenaline rushing through my body, I think it's the alcohol. I see flashing lights, "OH F#%K, it's the booze bus" I yell. they pull me over "can I see your licence sir" says the stocky officer "yes, I'll just get it"

I then hand it over, "sir do you realise your exhaust is smoking, and do you need any help", "yes I am just about to get it fixed", "don't bother" says the cop "just travel safely there's not long left", "ok officer good day"

thank god they didn't breath test me, "hey dad, what did he mean it's not long" I ask, "don't worry son"

we finally get to our destination, the last five minutes felt longer than the previous 2 hours, but we were there safely.

we are greeted by my auntie and my four cousins
"were so glad we get to spend the rest of our time with you" says my 7 year old cousin

"so what's happening" I ask my aunt, "haven't you heard" she says, "about the volcano" I ask

"yeah the eruption" says my 18 year old cousin. "what's the big deal, it was only Mt Warning"
I say now angry.

"no we never said that son", says my mother, "we only said there was an eruption"

"WHERE!!" I yell, "Yellowstone" said my aunty, "what, how does that effect us, half a world away?" I question "watch the tv silly" says my 7 year old cousin.

I then go inside still with a headache and I help myself to some Panadol. "ok where's the TV", "there's only one that still works" says my cousin who then points to the TV it is tiny, I turn it on.

"once again for those who have just joined our coverage of the yellow stone eruption, every major country in the world has been plunged into marshal law following the eruption of the Yellowstone national park super caldera volcano, which has destroyed almost all of north America, and plunged a majority of the world into darkness and chaos"

"what I don't get it" I say scared, "why was it so big?" I question.

"we don't know, all we know is that most of the life on earth will die within 14 days if not earlier"

I then hear a loud thump, "what was that", where am I. what how did I get home"

"Bradley go back to sleep" says a half asleep, half naked women next to me. I lay down and promise to myself "I will never take acid again"

-----------------------------------
constructive criticism is welcome




posted on Apr, 11 2004 @ 03:55 PM
link   
Is this your first time writing?

Your writing style is a bit confusing to me.


"gotta ring mum and dad" I pick up the receiver "what's the damn number" I whisper "why am I whispering" I yell. "why am I like this damnit" I think to myself.


this could be an example, it took me a couple times reading it to understand what was going on. You might want to try and rephrase it to something like this: I pick up the reciever trying to ring mum and dad and wonder why I whisper.... The structure of the sentence is just too confusing.

When you introduce new characters, try to be a little more descriptive. I got confused here:



"gotta ring mum and dad" I pick up the receiver "what's the damn number" I whisper "why am I whispering" I yell. "why am I like this damnit" I think to myself.


When your running a dialogue between two characters, tell who is saying what. That got a bit confusing.

If your using word try spellcheck. Some of your sentences are incomplete, your not quite getting your idea across. When you read your story after writing it, wait about a week, try and forget about it so that when you read it, its like your reading it for the first time.

your stream of conciousness technique could use a little improvement. If your going to use it make sure your descriptive and people know what your talking about when you describe it.



posted on Apr, 11 2004 @ 07:51 PM
link   
thanks for your constructive critisism.

it is my secong attempt at a decent story.

i will take your suggestions onboard when i write my next one.



posted on May, 21 2004 @ 02:50 PM
link   
A few parts were a tiny bit difficult to follow but overall well written. Classic ending





new topics
 
0

log in

join