My friend and his wife.

reply to post by DDay


Yeah, after all of my rambling above you summed it up in one paragraph. It took me to the end of my last sentence of my last post to see what's happening here. She needs to try too otherwise it won't work.

She say's all the time that she hates working, she wishes she was a stay at home mom. I really wish these things too. Our mortgage is $3,000/month, add to that utility bills, food, etc., etc.

We're not broke and she still has plenty of money to go shopping almost everyday she has off from work. We've been in our house for 5 years now and managed to also save some money.

But her biggest complaint is that she wishes she was a housewife, stay at home mom. If I could make that happen I would do it tomorrow.

I think that's why she is angry and resents me. When we got married I wanted to move to a less expensive area, but she had to live in the same town as her parents, she chose the neighborhood where we bought our house. So we had to pay a big price for living in the same town as her parents, I like to be close to family too, but is it worth the financial burden?

Anyway, as I was saying, everyone has their problems. I think it's much, much easier for couples to get angry, bored and resentful of each other. It's amazing how cliche` it is, and such a common occurrence.

Well I wish you luck! Perhaps reminding her that a sacrafice was made to be close to her parents resulted in a heavier mortgage to do so. This is why she has to work. Giving her an alternative would be to sell the house and move to a less expensive area and then perhaps she can reduce her hours or be a stay at home. But either way something has to give for her to get her wish.
I would really sit and talk with her and offer her this boards suggestions. I think with everyone's input here you have much more to work with. Only she can change herself but at least you will know you have given it your all. But don't sacrafice yourself in the process as she needs to "fix" whatever is broken with her.

Here is what happened with me. My husband started to withdraw himself after repeated attempts to make me happy and trying to "fix" whatever was wrong with me. I didn't know what it was at the time but it took his withdrawal to make me realize something was wrong - with him. At least that was how I felt. When he withdrew I thought something was wrong with him and with me and that made me worry so I started poking around at him to find out what was wrong. See I too would sigh or kind of huff whenever he would stop me in the hallwall for a quick kiss or a hug. I too would get annoyed because I simply didn't want to be bothered because at that time in my life EVERYTHING was such an effort and a bother. But when after repeated attempts of trying to talk to me and feeling rejected he started to withdraw and that got my attention. At first because I thought he was going to leave me and that wasn't what I wanted but I really thought that the relationship could survive on it's own without my input so I simply abandoned it at the time because again it was too much effort.

I then really started to take a good look at me and why I truely wasn't happy. I had to change things in my life but not the people - me. You chart your own destiny and you have to take charge. That is what she needs to do because nobody including you is responsible for her happiness. You may just have to lay it down for her in detail how this is making you feel, give her specific examples and then walk away and stay that way. It will get her attention.

Originally posted by DDay
Well I wish you luck! Perhaps reminding her that a sacrafice was made to be close to her parents resulted in a heavier mortgage to do so. This is why she has to work. Giving her an alternative would be to sell the house and move to a less expensive area and then perhaps she can reduce her hours or be a stay at home. But either way something has to give for her to get her wish.

Yeah that is exactly what I was thinking. Nurses are in demand everywhere, perhaps a smaller house would do the trick if she could relocate. Also perhaps with less expenses she could find a nursing position with easier hours.

Or more realistically, planning for such a move (even if it does not ultimately maker her happier) will keep her busy, give her something to focus on and she may believe it will provide the change she so desperately needs.

reply to post by DDay


I understand how withdrawing can bring attention to the problem. So you started to take notice. Did you start to understand why you were so unhappy?

Is there still tension between you and your husband?

You mentioned in your first post here that you thought I was your husband, writing about your relationship. It does seem like you were reacting exactly like my wife is now, exactly.

Do you also have a very high stress job?

Moving for me wouldn't be an option now, unless our whole extended family moved with us. It's just one of those sacrifices.

reply to post by Electro38


Things are much much better between us. The biggest ephiphany for me was finally realizing that I was expecting everyone else to make it right and make me happy. I wasn't necessarily unhappy with my life but rather just feeling stuck like the grass was greener elsewhere and it wasn't in my back yard. The doldrums of life I guess. See like you, I heard everything my husband was saying to me when we would "talk", I would see him taking our son out of the house for the day just to give me a break but it was never enough anything he did he did for naught because I just didn't give a damn. I was done and I didn't care. It wasn't until he too was done with me and trying to make everything right did I realize I really missed him. See he was making it easier for me to be the way I was being. He was enabling me and the situation which in turn didn't make me try to help myself out of my rut.

I don't have an easy answer for you concerning your wife because we are different people. It comes down to what is most important to her. She has to realize and come to terms with her life as it is. If you want something different out of your doldrums then make it happen. For me - I started to take charge of myself. I began working out, eating better for one to keep myself feeling good. I then started working on not being as selfish as my expectations I discovered were I had expectations of people that even I couldn't live up to.

In short - I began to ask myself questions like would I want to do that or put myself in the shoes of others. I realized I didn't like what I had become and I changed it. I meditate and really now put in perspective if something that bugs me matters. If it doesn't matter I don't give it a second thought. This is why my work is no longer stressful. Your wifes job however is a different story as I am not a nurse.

See I told you the answer wasn't easy because it ultimately comes down to her amount of effort. But at least you can use this information as a basis of what she may be going through. But I really do think you will have to force her hand to wake her up. That is what happened to me.

Originally posted by Sonya610

Originally posted by Oldtimer2
btw she was 39 at the time, and I was married 27 years

Ummmm....I am assuming that was a typo? She would have been 12.

[edit on 28-12-2008 by Sonya610]

No I was saying she was 39 when the incidents happened,divorced her at 48,kicked her out of house at 39

Electro, hopefully you aren't done with this thread. I went home last night and really thought about this discussion. I also went home and really hugged and cuddled up to my husband last night just remembering what I put him through.

Don't give up on her but neither allow yourself to become so submerged in this that you lose yourself in the process and wind up resenting her. Once that happens will be the dissolution of the marriage. She is depressed and often that clarity isn't in the person that is depressed so she may not even realize it's depression. I was lucky in the sense I was able to pull myself up out of it and resolve the issues I wasn't dealing with at the time but that doesn't mean she will recognize or have the energy to do that. So both of you go to a therapist, she may not like it at first but give her no choice and tell her that you cannot carry this relationship alone anymore. She doesn't want to lose you so she should go. There she just might be able to get clarity on what the problems are and the therapist will help her get through it.

It's worth a shot. Hope this helps. Good luck to you.

Originally posted by DDay
See I too would sigh or kind of huff whenever he would stop me in the hallwall for a quick kiss or a hug.

Most people have one preferred way of recieving love. Often times when things aren't going well they'll tend to pour on more and more of their own personal expression of love despite what the other person needs. I'm guilty of just that very thing. It's a reflex that isn't always helpful and it takes effort to express love the way your spouse wants it.

The Five Love Languages

Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

My fault is trying to give more physical touch when my wife wants me to just do something for her. (Is it my fault she's so adorable?) Of course last night she was super affectionate and very touchy cause she knows I like that. She probably felt extra loved because I helped her clean up all the Christmas decorations this weekend. Why am I too dumb to remember this every time? O yeah, I'm a guy.

:bash:

No, no, not done with the thread. Had to take a break from all of that writing/rambling I did.

It's great to know that the thread has helped at least 2 people here. Just writing all of this stuff down helped me get a clearer perspective.

I have scaled things down a notch, not trying to be so affectionate, etc. I thought it was helping but I can see how that can be interpreted as annoying if you're depressed or stressed out. You have to give people space.

dBates, I think you're right. My wife was never a "hugger", I think it comes from her upbringing. They were not very supportive or affectionate people even though they all loved each other.

I made a very conscious decision to be more affectionate and supportive with my wife, but she never got the memo.

I'm realizing that that's ok, it doesn't mean I'm being rejected. After all of this writing I did here, reading other's input, etc. I'm starting to see that I might have been reacting in a "hypersensitive" way.

My wife has been extremely tired, I thought since she wasn't responding the way I wanted to my affection that she was rejecting me, or she was seeing someone. (The poor girl wouldn't have more than a half hour a week to have an affair, I guess you would call that a "power-affair"). Although anyting is possible I really doubt it. She does ask me to go around with her whenever she has free time, and gets disappointed when I don't.

I got hypersensitive and paranoid. I'm glad I had that talk with her though, since I did discover some things and she discovered some things too.

Wow, what a complete 180 degree turn around I did on this. From anger/resentment to understanding and acceptance!

(Until I have another hypersensitive episode).

But seriously, the very insightful replies here have helped a great deal. I just thought I was going to write about all of this as a way of releasing it, I was very surprised by the thoughtful comments.

Originally posted by DDay
Electro, hopefully you aren't done with this thread. I went home last night and really thought about this discussion. I also went home and really hugged and cuddled up to my husband last night just remembering what I put him through.

Don't give up on her but neither allow yourself to become so submerged in this that you lose yourself in the process and wind up resenting her. Once that happens will be the dissolution of the marriage. She is depressed and often that clarity isn't in the person that is depressed so she may not even realize it's depression. I was lucky in the sense I was able to pull myself up out of it and resolve the issues I wasn't dealing with at the time but that doesn't mean she will recognize or have the energy to do that. So both of you go to a therapist, she may not like it at first but give her no choice and tell her that you cannot carry this relationship alone anymore. She doesn't want to lose you so she should go. There she just might be able to get clarity on what the problems are and the therapist will help her get through it.

It's worth a shot. Hope this helps. Good luck to you.

Words of wisdom. I think you hit it right on. Not giving up. I have taken things down a notch to give her space. I think that's all she needed.

I think my hypersensitive reaction might come from that fact that my parents were divorced when I was 11 and I was (and am) very paranoid that something like that might happen to my 5 years old son.

I know a lot of couples get divorced/separated and go on to live happy lives, sometimes happier lives. But I really believe it changes kids, you're never the same again. It's like carrying a burden for the rest of life which sometimes feels light and other times feels very heavy.

I think things are starting to turn around here at home, so I'm feeling relieved today.

[edit on 30-12-2008 by Electro38]

Well good, I for one as I am sure of others here on this board are glad you are able to find peace. Sometimes just putting something out there for people without faces can lend incredible insight. I think there may be a few of us on here that got something out of this like myself and dbates.

Good luck to you.

reply to post by dbates


The key to finding out how your spouse wants to be loved it to take note of how they typically show love. The 'Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You' Philosophy ingrained in us.

My top love language is Acts of Service, followed closely by Quality Time .... I often catch myself thinking that by making dinner every night, doing all the laundry, keeping the house clean is my way of speaking love to my husband. And though I think he does appreciate my Acts of Service, I have to realize that if I REALLY am wanting to speak love to him than I better Touch him or Affirm him (I didn't take long to figure out what his love language is, the guy can't walk past me without touching me)