(YYSLSC) And Then There Were Two

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posted on Dec, 18 2008 @ 03:30 PM
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And Then There Were Two

When I reluctantly returned to the bathroom to check the test strip, I felt my heart beating in my throat and my breath caught as I recognized the plus sign from five feet away... The second pregnancy test had confirmed the positive result. Oh, no! This was the absolute worst timing ever!

The corporation Lucas worked for had been downsizing and although his position was fairly stable, we weren’t at all sure how long it would be until the faltering economy made more cuts necessary. Plus, our small apartment was barely large enough for our cat, Bonzie, and us. A baby just wouldn’t fit into our lives right now. I wasn’t ready. And I KNEW Lucas wanted to wait a few more years to have kids. At least this would explain why I hadn’t been eating or sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. I had been having the same dream that kept me awake for what felt like hours in the night. I thought seriously about seeing a doctor just to make sure I wasn’t sick. But then the dreams stopped. And now it looked like I would be seeing a doctor after all.

I decided not to mention it to Lucas until I’d gone to the clinic and confirmed it. Waiting the 4 days for my appointment was one of the toughest times I can remember. I bought a book on pregnancy and hid it in my bedside stand, just in case.

Luke and I didn’t keep secrets in our relationship but he knew something was up. He asked me several times if everything was all right, clearly able to tell that something, to which he was not privy, was niggling in my brain. I’ve never been very good at keeping secrets. How do you act like everything’s just fine when it feels like the life you’ve come to know and love is about to end? The longer I could put this off, the longer I could hold on to the fantasy of our peaceful lives together.

Tuesday morning, I kissed Lucas goodbye, somehow knowing that the next time we were together, I’d be revealing the tidbit of information that would change our lives forever. I had no idea of the changes that were really about to take place.

The doctor’s call that afternoon told me what I already knew and we made an appointment for an ultrasound the following Monday. But it was a fact, now. No longer speculation. There was a tiny miracle burning with life and growing inside my body. I spent the afternoon coming to terms with it by lighting some candles, brewing some chamomile tea and drawing a cinnamon-scented bubble bath. Bonzie joined me, crouching on the edge of the tub in her kitty-pillow position and we both watched and listened to the bubbles. I drank my tea, breathed in the aroma of the apple-scented candles and closed my eyes, feeling very pampered and entitled. “I am Woman” by Helen Reddy flashed through my head…

After several minutes of luxuriating in the comforting warmth, I reached down and touched my abdomen as though it were something foreign. I told myself that there was actually a baby in there, taking in the bizarre reality of my situation. I tried hard to “feel” the life within me. I “sent” it thoughts of love and connection. And it fluttered! What was that? I felt a fluttering! In confusion, I sat up, reached for the towel and went to look in the book I had bought, which said that I may start feeling quickening at about 16 weeks! I checked the calendar and I couldn’t be more than 4 or 5 weeks pregnant. How odd. Either I imagined the flutter (not likely) or the book was wrong. In any case, I got dressed and started dinner. Lucas would be home soon.

Life has a way of adjusting around its circumstances. When you think everything is going to fall apart, a little time and a good hot bath can put a new face on things. So, when Lucas came in the door, I was relaxed, at peace with my new reality and ready to cautiously broach the subject that our lives were about to be transformed. We sat down to dinner.

In our five years together, I had learned that the best way to approach Lucas with “bad” news is just to blurt it out, but I was having a really hard time. Something was telling me to keep it to myself. Something powerful. Fear? Was it my intuition or was I just being scared of his reaction?

“I’m pregnant.” My mouth made the decision for me. Stupid mouth!

“WHAT? You’re kidding”!

Feeling the tears burn in my eyes, I let go the thoughts I’d been containing all day. “Lucas, I’m so sorry! I know this is terrible, horrible timing and we’re not sure about your job and we can’t afford it and I don’t know how it happened… I took my pills every single day! But I saw the doctor and had the test and somehow, I got pregnant.”

His eyes darted around the room as if he was looking for the hidden camera or the right thing to say and as I burst into tears, I saw him comprehend what I had just told him. As I continued to sob into my hands, he got up from his place at the table and came around to me, knelt down and engulfed me in his arms, and with his mouth in my cinnamon-scented hair, whispered, “It’s ok, honey! It’s fine. It’s gonna be all right. Don’t cry, sweetheart… We’ll … deal.”

I don’t know how long I cried while he held and consoled me, but I eventually settled down and looked up at him. To my amazement, he was smiling and actually looked very happy. Not worried at all. I took a deep breath and muttered something about hormones and emotions.

We abandoned our half-eaten dinner to lie together on the couch, his arms reassuringly around me, discussing our new reality. We talked about how we’d get through this challenge, where we could cut corners to save money. Also we realized that our big walk-in closet could serve as a place to keep a crib and a few baby things if we got rid of half the crap in there that we never used anyway. Things were actually starting to look up.

During the rest of the week, I kept busy rearranging and sorting the closet, clipping coupons, daydreaming about names and reading about baby things and taking baths. For some reason I couldn’t get enough baths, sometimes taking 2 or 3 a day. And the fluttering was becoming ever present! It was definitely NOT my imagination. I would ask the doctor about it on Monday when Luke and I went in for the ultrasound, but I felt confident that it was nothing to worry about. I felt sure that everything was as it was meant to be. Our little one was just very excited about life and wanted to remind us of his or her existence. We were a family, now. The three of us.

-continued-

[edit on 18-12-2008 by Benevolent Heretic]




posted on Dec, 18 2008 @ 03:31 PM
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On Monday morning, we were as excited as children as we checked in at the receptionist’s window and were called in to the exam room. I had my list of questions ready, but then realized that I had been sleeping just fine for the past week, so I decided not to bring that up. The gel was warm on my abdomen and reminded me of something I couldn’t remember… but I was about to hear and SEE something real about this being that had basically occupied my entire thought processes for a week now.

Of course, the blobs on the ultrasound screen were indistinguishable to me. Doctor Wentzel had to point out where the tiny little critter actually was. As he bent over and looked closer at the screen, his brow furrowed and he became clearly troubled. “What is it”? I asked urgently.

Too quickly, he stammered, “I-I don’t know. I-I’m not sure. It’s not… Let me see.”

As I lay there, seconds seemed like hours and the sound of my heart became deafening, I became sick to my stomach and I asked again, “Doctor, what is it”?

He turned to me and somberly said, “Karen, I’m sorry. I think there’s a severe problem with your pregnancy. A deformation, I’m afraid. I’m so sorry, I suggest we take it right away.”

And then I knew. I just knew. It all washed into my mind as clearly as a story that had been told to me. The dreams, the sleepless nights, the baths…

In my recurring dream the previous week, I had been lying in my bed surrounded by several people that I couldn’t see. It was dark and something like a light cloth was laid over my eyes. I could hear a slight, intermittent buzzing that came from far away and I heard what sounded like sprinklings of hail on the skylight outside our bedroom. And I couldn’t move; although it seemed that I tried. The dream was the same every time. It felt like warm metal piercing my abdomen, just below my navel, but it didn’t hurt. I could just feel and almost see it happen. Then a warmth flowed outward from that point and then coalesced and traveled up to the area of my heart. It happened maybe ten times as I lay there, this warmth, like a wave, connecting my abdomen to my heart. Connection. The next thing I was aware of, I was being lowered into a comfortably hot, gelatinous liquid. And from there, I moved out of the dream into a fitful sleep.

And now I knew, it hadn’t been a dream at all. Something … foreign was inside me. Something alien. But the love I felt for this little being was stronger than any I had ever imagined. The connection was so strong... The connection to my heart… Whoever placed this inside me made sure that I felt such an overwhelming love for this baby that I would die before I let any harm come to her. Yes, it was a girl. I knew that, too.

Suddenly, I realized that whatever these people in my “dreams” were using me for, I was now a willing subject. Abortion was not an option. I looked at the doctor and calmly told him that I wanted to think about it and have some time. He suggested I not wait, but a day or two shouldn’t matter. I got up from the table, got dressed and we left.

Poor Luke was in shock. Devastated. But once I explained it to him (I had instantly become fully aware of what was happening), and he had several days to become accustomed to it, he became excited to be playing a role in this extraterrestrial adventure that we decided to keep entirely to ourselves for obvious reasons.

During the next 2 months, my tummy grew visibly every night! I blew up to nearly the size of a fully gestated pregnant woman! I stayed indoors and avoided all visual contact with family and friends, calling them often to assure them that I was fine, just “in a mood” to be a homebody. When they suggested a visit, I made excuses and asked for patience, telling them it was just a temporary “down time”.

On the night of the “birth”, Lucas and I went to bed, but couldn’t sleep. I knew they were coming for her and so we lay there, waiting, holding hands. I felt joyful and honored to know that I had been included in something so exceptional and awesome. I was thankful. They must have known how I would respond…

At about 11:30, Lucas and I were wide-awake, talking, when I heard the hail sound that had accompanied my dreams. “That’s them,” I said.

As we watched, eyes wide, 4 “people” appeared around the bed. Suddenly, I couldn’t move, but I could feel their presence clearly and I felt completely calm and safe. I felt the familiar warm metal pierce my abdomen, but this time, it only happened once. I felt a wave of appreciation from them. Then I heard a sound I will never forget. The strange cry of my child that wasn’t mine; would never be mine. She was whisked away and lowered into a bath. I can’t say how I knew this, for I did not see it. It just became clear in my mind’s eye, just as I heard her name. Zonna. It’s the only word I ever heard them say.



posted on Jan, 17 2009 @ 03:47 PM
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I loved your story, very strong emotions for the experience...

Zonna? beautiful.



posted on Jan, 21 2009 @ 10:02 PM
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BH, I find real warmth and emotion in your writing that is expressive even without a great deal of detail in the telling. I'd like to read this story in an expanded form.



posted on Jan, 6 2011 @ 08:26 PM
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reply to post by Benevolent Heretic
 


Just lovely.

...and thanks worldwatcher, ATS for the "Showcase of Winners"





 
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