At wit's end: Parents turning a blind eye to bulimic sister

I do not use the rant forum very often but this one has me absolutely gnashing my teeth.

Currently I live with my parents, my two kids, and my younger teenage sister.

She is, and has been since i lived here, bulimic. This is not a secret. While I know many people become bulimic after a trauma, I know her and I beleive she is doing it purely for the attention. To make it worse I beleive she has a few "puke buddies" who actively encourage her behavior

It has been known for at least a year but my parents have done nothing to attempt to stop her or get her to treatment. I can understand caution before the addiction is out in the open, but doing nothing at least one year after they both know is insane.

I cannot understand parents turning a blind eye to behavior that could cause serious, even life-threatening behavior to their child's life.

I think maybe since she is the youngest, and soon off to college, they are just hoping to get her out of the house.

Or perhaps they get as much emotional milage off having the daughter with the problem as she does from having the problem. I really cannot figure it out.

Either way as I see it there is no excuse for their complacensy. The is life threatening behavior, somehow that does not seem to connect. If she taking drugs or drinking herself stupid, I think they would act, but somehow bulimia=a life threatening illness isn't getting processed. :bash:

I have voiced my concern to them, an said that I think she may have an "I need you to stop me to show me that you love me!" complex. I have spied on my sister and told them when and how she has purged. I have kept records of what and when goes missing from the kitchen.

Still no action.

Did I mention that she is absolutely undisciplined, too? She is not particularly a wild child, and very studious, to her credit, but she has her own car and there are still no restrictions placed on her when she goes to school/work/friend's house/ shopping. She also has unlimited and private access to phone and internet.

If I had a bulimic child that I knew was actively B&Ping, I would not let them go where they want, when they want. I would double-check where that they are going where they say they are. I would call their boss and make sure they are actually following the work schedule they say they are. I would ask for their pay stubs and their receipts for their purchaces to make sure they are not sneaking food into the house or buying laxatives. I would call their friends parent's to make sure they are actually at their house, and explain the situation and ask them to keep an eye out for any suspicious activity.

That is the very minimum, without even bringing councelling or treatment into the picture.

To make matters worse she often steals food that I have bought specifically for me or my own kids. It doesn't matter how blatantly I label or try to set things apart, they still disappear. I once had an entire box of teething biscuits go. (WFT! WTF! TEETHING BISCUITS!!!)

This is really where I draw the line. If she wants to screw around her own body that is her decision but she has no business turning my kids'food into her flush fuel.

But once again I have had no help from my parents here. I've asked them to talk to her and discipline her for this stealing, if nothing else, but nothing ever gets said. Furthermore they become angry if I talk to my sister about it myself, seeing this as intrusion into an imaginary effort to stop the problem.

I'm about at my wits end with this.

Arg!

And to those who say "Just move out," I don't want to do that because I think it is a positive situation for the kids overall, at this point, and my leaving would only remove me from the situation, it would not stop it.

Your rant is one of the better written rants I've read here.

I believe there is not anything you can do to change the situation with your sister.

She and all family members know what's happening. Sometimes it's best to stand back and let go.

Maybe a good lock and a mini refrigerator are things you need for your room.

If a person has no intention to change their destructive ways you can not change them for her.

Eventually she will hit bottom. Then you can help pick up the pieces and help her get back to a healthy lifestyle.

I know how frustrated you must be. May be time to let it go and focus on you and your children.

Thanks for your reply DD.

I have considered a minifridge and may still buy one if I can get it on the cheap.

I would have no problems lettting it go, except my things coming up missing forces my involvement.

The right way...Call a doctor.

She has a problem that could be more serious than she or your parents are willing to accept.

The wrong way...can't think of any right now. What's needed is Action!

Despite her having "free-reign" over her own life, her actions and the lack of action from your parents is incredibly selfish. If something went wrong how would your parents feel and react and how would it affect your children?

Me thinks it's time for a serious "sit-down" with your folks to discuss this sensibly. If they still won't act then I suggest doing what's best for your children and shelter them from any possible distress that may be caused from your sister and parents neglect of the illness. I know you don't want to move out, but your kids come first. The action may also help make it clear just how this is affecting other people!

I hope things turn out for the best soon....good luck

Bulimia isn't a disease. Maybe a mental illness, but not a disease. It could be a sign of a lack of self-esteem and certainly should be addressed. Mostly though it's just a sign of how utterly selfish and wasteful people in this society of ours is. Doods are starving out there and she wants to barf up dinner. whatever.

Your parents don't seem to understand why this is a habit that needs to be stopped. I'd print out some pictures and show them the effects of bulimia. Don't go overboard with it though, don't just show rail thin women, try and show some of the other effects of bulimia to them on a person's body.

Also, try and find out why she is bulimic. Does she just want to enjoy fatty foods without the consequences or is it something more serious like a self-esteem issue? Let her know that there will be consequences for bulimia, that are probably worse than fat thighs. Hope she or her parents are ready to dish out a heft dental bill to repair those teeth from all that barfing. Stomach acid eats away at them over time, I believe.

You don't have to do anything though. This is your sister's problem, not yours. It should be something your parents address, not you.

Thanks for the response Nerbot.

Right now I don't feel that the benefits of moving out on my own outweigh the positives of living here--luckily this has stayed very much under the surface and the kiddos are still young.

I have talked to my parents already and have voiced my concernes. THe problem is , she is still a minor, and even if she were to be declared legally incompetent she would still need their permission to receive treatment.

reply to post by ThePiemaker


I think it is not per se a self-esteem issue, just that she wants more people paying attention to her (in an unhealthy way.) It seems to be a bad combination of my parents thinking that it is normal for teenage girls to have an eating disorder for a while, and my sister thinking that if she keeps it up l ong enough she'll be rewarded with an episode of "intervention" or a spot on Oprah.

reply to post by asmeone2


I know you like living at home for its benefits (grandparents babysitting, rent help, etc) but you should consider moving into your own place. Mom and Dad are more concerned about the grandchildren than their own daughter (they don't mean it, but the others are still babies).
Once you do move out on your own, then it is your parents and your sister. They will be forced to deal with her mental problems, and you can deal with your children not being exposed to it.

This is not meant to be as harsh as it sounds, but I lived at home for a while. It is so nice to have my own place, tiny as it is, but it is mine.

Originally posted by kidflash2008
reply to post by asmeone2

 

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This is not meant to be as harsh as it sounds, but I lived at home for a while. It is so nice to have my own place, tiny as it is, but it is mine.

The catch-22 that I face in regards to moving out is this:

Living here we have to put up with this crap but at least I get to spent lots of time with them.

If I were to move out I would have to work at least full-time so it would either be daycare or babysitting by the grandparents, and still exposure to the same things.

So it is lose-lose either way but because of some things that happened earlier today I have made it my new year's resolution to look for a stable way out.

I just don't want to move out 'to benefit the kids' and have them actually suffer as a result.

reply to post by asmeone2


I will agree with you your children should come first in your decisions. Another idea is find a group of single parents (at the church or a Parents without Partners in the Yellow Pages). I had a friend who went to the PWP and he met a lot of people who were able to help him with some decisions that had to be made. (I would suggest trying to find an eating disorder group for your sister, but you can't make her go.)
If your relationship is really good with your parents, you don't want to upset it. No matter what you do, I hope and pray for the best. It is true as to what they say that it will get better. There are some rough patches to get through first.

Thank you for the tip. I did not know PWP existed and I will check them out.