never fall for a girl who is just your friend

Ever had a friend of the opposite sex (a girl in my case) whom you've always been hot for as long as you've known them, but that you never had the confidence to ever tell them, and by the time you finally do get the confidence to let them know how you feel it's waaaaaaaay too late and they have you firmly in the friend category.

Yep that's me. The hopeless romantic for a woman who has me so far in the friend/indifferent category that it's totally useless to even tell her now that I've been totally smitten with her for a very long time.

We aren't even really friends we are more like friends with a common friend and e see each other a few times a month. The hardest part is that even though shes generally bowing me off or too indifferent to text me back, when we do hang out alone about once a month there is all this weird tension and chemistry. she tells me that I'm attractive and that I look great. Even managed to drop into conversation a few weeks ago questions about what I look like down stairs. she always wants to talk about some vague sexual topic and constantly plays with her hair while talking to me. she's interested in everything that interests me or pretends to be. will sit like 8 inches from me but will dart her hand or leg or whatever away from me instantly if we by accident brush up against each other for a millisecond.

But she doesn't ever take the bait ad want to hang out with me, she will return texts or messages like, "just wanted to say hi." but never ones that are along the lines of "hey what are you up to later on." or anything about hanging out.

So there are lots of mixed messages, or maybe I'm just so into her it seems like mixed messages to me and my imagination is just running away with me and looking for any shred of hope in her actions.

everyone else says we'd make a great couple when they see us together, but like I said we are just friends and apparently she has no interest in anything else. which sucks for me.

so here I am. totally hot for a girl whom I've been into like a fool for a long long time. A girl who I had always used as a benchmark to measure other women against especially their intelligence, sophistication, and their personalities because I was so impressed with her. but never ever had the courage to tell what I think about her.
and now I'm screwed. and it's really frustrating, painful and on some days disheartening.

Whats worse is that I can generally take my pick of which girls I want to date, and I date women that are much more physically attractive than her. But when I'm on the date with them I tend to think more about this one girl who's my friend and that I'm like a freak writing a whole thread about cause I'm so frustrated. And I feel like a looser being this obsessed with her and writing this whole thread.

Anybody male or female out there at ATS ever been in the same position as me and do you think I am being a little too dramatic, being just a sucker with a crush, a weirdo, or am I normal and just feeling like crap right now.





[edit on 11-12-2008 by BASSPLYR]

I don't understand why they cant just be straight with you. I'm in a situation a little similar to you and its dam frustrating. What's more frustrating is when you both want to be together but for some reason that cant be explained in any way that makes sense she basically says 'I cant right now' < wtf!

I don't get it.

Just a thought, maybe shes giving mixed signals because though you two probably would make a great couple shes doesnt know that and doesnt want to risk your friendship so backs off when she realises shes getting to close.

I'll never understand women

I'll say this though your not a weirdo, or being to dramatic.

reply to post by BASSPLYR


LOL, the first 3 paragraphs totally describes me. I stopped reading after, this same EXACT thing happened to me. I fell in love with my friend in which I new since the 6th grade, currently in the 11th grade, I flirt with her, she flirts back. Same old same old, when were texting another, she takes a while to respond to me text's as if shes playing a game. I drawn attention to her, I never told her how I felt, but then one day...I had a conversation with my other friend from way back middle school...she asked me if I liked her, and I made her swear not to feed the girl back that I do, now the girl who I told, her cousin is her ex...so now we cursed each other on aim..and I never knew it was her ex...so now she found out the hard way...now it's never the same between me and her..she doesn't ever hit me up anymore..just once a blue moon..what ever I guess, she isn't worth it...

Good god man , just say you wanna go on a date cos i think your fantastic and want to check that your not a psycho. Regret is the biggest thing you can ever have in life ..... So ASK !!!!! Sheash i've had had members of staff who talk about how they like each other and i've had to drag tham both to a hallway and state to them both that they like each other and get on with it.

Yeah the weird thing is that we aren't really good enough friends to warrant any real risk to our friendship by going out on at least one dinner date. We are friends through a round about way. Not best friends, not even buddies really. just simple friends in the barest sense.

She'll text me to see what I'm doing later and then not respond back to my text when I say "lets hang out." It's annoying and it sure is confusing to me. It's like one moment she'll put out all these signs that she likes me and the next she will act indifferent even shun me.

I'm not sure if she shuns me because she knows I like her and it makes her feel uncomfortable, because she doesn't know if I like her and she likes me, or because she thinks I'm a weirdo. and I'm not exactly a weird guy.

:bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd::bnghd:

friggin women man.
they certainly hold the power over us men.
i don't have any good advice for you other than to just ask her out. you might end up in a good way if you know what i mean

The dreaded hellish friend trap...

There's no way out except to be honest. Take her out on a date and let her know that your feelings for her have gone beyond the platonic to the romantic.

The worst she can do is use a taser and pepper spray on you, while dropping her 6" stilettos into your groin as you writhe in agony on the ground. No sweat!



[edit on 12/12/2008 by whatukno]

you're right. I just have to ask. I literally have nothing left to loose. Even though she doesn't know it she's already taken everything else out of me. so telling her, and then being respectfully distant when she shuns me even more is probably the best thing.

Wanna know the real bassplyr is a moron part. last night she was out banging some guy, who according to her friends looks just like me, that she's only known for 3 weeks.
and now suddenly they are going to vegas for new years.

I think this is all unhealthy for me. some things I just gotta give up on. her being one of them. just seeing her now would probably hurt, so staying far away is the best option to protect myself emotionally.

I think I should just give her a simple note telling her how I feel and my old notebook filled with 12 years of poetry I wrote about her (but like an idiot never showed her) smile softly at her say goodbye and then disappear. I'll be around, just not around I guess.

:bnghd::bnghd::bnghd:

The title of this thread is pretty much common sense.

i wouldn't give her the poetry though.
thats yours dude..you never know what she would do with em either

I would keep the originals and give her a copy in nicer writing. Although, you're right it will probably just end up being laughed at and passed around her girlfriends. although she wouldn't do that I don't think (laugh at the poetry) her friends will no doubt all get to read them. Could make me into a saint or a complete joke. but the ball would be in her court.

Like I said, I have nothing to loose by doing this, at least I can walk through life saying I did one romantic thing once even if it was the most foolish thing I'd ever done at least I had the courage to lay it all down.

But I plan on being not around after I do. mainly to not distress her too much with my presence. IF she wants to talk to me after wards she knows how to contact me. If not well at least she knows I'm a good guy, that somebody deeply appreciated her at one time in her life, and that I'm probably crazy just as she always suspected i guess.

Yes happened with me when I was about 18 knew girl since I was 7,were always good friends,then one night things escalated,and we both felt weird after,sad too I'm wondering how shes doing 30 some odd years later,I think it ends up being uncomfortable for both partys

yeah my problem is that it doesn't feel uncomfortable when there is all this weird sexual tension between us. It almost seems like kissing would be the next steep, or where things all seem to lead but we never do. Like we both are heading for each other emotionally and instead of crashing together we like a game of chicken swerve away.

well what ever. she's going to vegas to bang some guy she's known for less than a month. She's invited me to come along as long as I find my own ride. the guy she's going with doesn't like me (I wonder why) but I ain't going cause it would destroy me to see her hook up with some other guy.

Yep I'll be walking the streets that night alone on new years, wandering like some lost soul. And when the countdown comes I'll just bury my head shut my ears and pretend like it's not happening.

hell maybe I'll meet somebody really exciting in the next few days and my new years won't be so lonely. doubtful but you never know.

Cant remember who said it but:

"The saddest words ever spoken are: what might have been..."

Seriously man go for it. Or just blow her off altogether.Maybe knowing you aint there no more might make her realize she wanted you after all?

Yeah I have this deranged fantasy of giving her a book hand made filled with the 12 years of poetry. then booking out. Not be around. It's a patheic emotional respons I know in a pathetic attempt to have her fall for me. but hopefully she reads them every now and then and starts to long for me. it's really unlikely since women are very fickle about whom they let in to their hearts sometimes. I could be assed out just cause. but the point is I never know. maybe every other guy is a substitute for me or a way to distract herself from me. but we are really more alike than opposed in personality.

I always knew she was very smart and worldy but the other day she started talking about sumerian cuniform. how many hot chicks you know who know all about sumerian cuniform. the weird thing (maybe) is that she knows that sumerian history is an interest of mine. so did she learn more about things that interest me to feel closer to me or attract my attention. or is she simply into sumerian cuniform (seems unlikely)

but I about almost fell out of my chair when she started talking about the sumerian stuff. I was thinking to myself how are we not perfect for each other.

Oh well. I let her know some way or another. I just think the poetry from out of nowhere might come off a little psycho to her. but then love makes you do crazy things.

Originally posted by BASSPLYR
I always knew she was very smart and worldy but the other day she started talking about sumerian cuniform. how many hot chicks you know who know all about sumerian cuniform. the weird thing (maybe) is that she knows that sumerian history is an interest of mine. so did she learn more about things that interest me to feel closer to me or attract my attention. or is she simply into sumerian cuniform (seems unlikely)

but I about almost fell out of my chair when she started talking about the sumerian stuff. I was thinking to myself how are we not perfect for each other.

Ahh, now THAT is creepy!

If I were you, I'd suspect that she's been stalking you to find out what all your interests are

yeah she's weird. She dates guys just like me but vastly inferior (cause they ain't me and I'm sorta unique, I mean she ain't gunna get me by dating other guys that are wannabe's of me or have some trait surprisingly similar too me in some way) She seems to pay extra attention to all of my interests. from cuniform to chinese history and mythology. she's suddenly real interested in my kung fu. compliments me every time I see her. wear jewlery to reflect what my interests are. like I'll be talking to her one day about buddhism or something , and the next time I see her she is wearing some bracelet or something with chinese stuff on it or something that reflects the conversation we had the day before. but somehow she doesn't want to date me, and runs off and gets all illusive when I turn up the heat subtly. creepy indeed. maybe this girl is the one that's crazy not me. oh well she's still really attractive in an intellectual way.

reply to post by BASSPLYR


Yeah that is definitely strange, borderline schizo behaviour.

Have you considered that maybe she is only pretending to be your friend, but secretly using everything she knows about you against you? Going around spreading gossip about you etc etc?

Sounds crazy, but that exact thing has happened to me before....

no I don't think she's doing anything like that. her best male friend is my best friend. he's protective of me in ways like that. he'd tell her to knock it off. what she says to her girlfriends is another matter all together. There I really have no clue.

She'll invite me to one of her dinner parties then forget to mail me the invitation. or talks about me going but somehow I never get invited.

Another weird thing is that. I play bass. have the entire time I've known her. 12 years. Then one day she decides she's going to play bass. all of the guys she dates play bass. none nearly as good as me on the instrument but thats cause I went to college to learn music.

It's like she's looking for a watered down version of me. That I'm too intense or too real for her. it's weird. she'll sit right next to me every time I see her. IE... if were at a buddies house watching tv. although there are chairs she could sit on. she sits right next to me on the bed. about 16 inches away. will edge closer for a bit then if we barely touch wham she retracts her hand or arm real quickly. why even sit close to me to begin with. she's touchy with her male friends but I get the weirdo treatment. she'll mirror everything I do too when we go out. laugh at half of my jokes that aren't even funny. but at the same time she wants to keep this distance.

Weird. weird. weird.

THe other day she wanted to know if on my next china trip, I go once a year to the songshan buddhist temple (shaolin temple in henan, near deng feng)for three weeks, if there were going to be any women on the trip. I told her yes there are a few women that are going. she made a little quick breath sound almost a sigh and then broke eye contact with me. These are not so good looking kung fu chicks so she wouldn't need to worry, but she doesn't know that. so what was her hurt reaction all about. does she think I'm going to hook up with some chinese girl in the farmlands of china? Not likely when I'll be inside a buddhist temple.

Now she's getting extra distant since then.

she'll invite me over to go bar hopping, and then when I show up she's talking to her girlfriend about some guy who dumped her just recently. this guy who lives in another state (about 500 miles away) that she only sees about once every 10 months. and the last time I checked about her "secret long distance boyfriend" with her guy best friend they had broken up months ago. like sometime last year. but there she is acting all teary eyed, but only after i basically don't console her on her loss, then she tells me she's messed up with guys and chases them away.

she's giving me mixed signals for sure. I know she sounds totally psycho from this last post but in reality when she's not acting like this (which is not often and only with me), she is a very good person and funny to be around, intelligent, caring about her friends (except for me) and great with kids (she a professional nanny for celebrities)

Yeah so your guess is as good as mine.

[edit on 15-12-2008 by BASSPLYR]

reply to post by BASSPLYR


Well maybe the best way to describe what's going on.... is with a song!



She loves you, but since the two of you have been "just friends" for so long - she is also terrified of her feelings, and of changing things and messing up the friendship