posted on Jun, 17 2004 @ 02:29 PM
Well heres the conversation we had today and I think anything that ever existed is dead now.
Her:hey i got your letter
Me: so can I have your phone number?
Her: umm no
Her: i think i got what u were trying to say enough in the letter
Her: and i have to say.. i dont go around sleeping with everyone just to share
Her: and i never asked for your forgiveness..
Her: im done
Her: bye ross
Me: I didnt want you to walk away
Me: I never want you to just up and walk away
Me: Weve known each other a while as friends and this is nothing to throw it away for
Me: Ive told you several times that I wrote that out of rage, and I have to say I didnt write it to accuse you of sleeping with everyone
Me: And you never asked me for my forgiveness, which regardless of whether I would have given it. My point was that you just couldnt ever tell me and
that you never once seemed to feel guilty
Me: Ashley Im gonna find that number. Its in my desk somewhere
Her: i don't feel guilty....
Her: god, i can't talk to you anymore
Her: i think it's pretty clear that to you im a whore.. god.. i can't even
Me: : Nooo
Her: bye ross
Me: I never said that
Me: I will never call you a whore
Her: dont call me.. please
Me: Dont you see
Me: That I dont hate you
Me: Im trying to save our friendship
Me: What cant you say to me
Her: oh i must have missed that in the letter of hate
Me: Just say it ashley
Me: Im listening
Me: Yes the letter was angry, because I was angry and hurt and confused
Her: u never listened
Me: Dont you see that Im not like happy bout this, it hurts
Her: i could never tell u anything
Me: Then let me start
Me: What couldnt you tell me
Me: Ashley just tell me
Her: its too late...
Me: Thats a cop out
Her: is it?
Me I want to know what you couldnt tell me
Me: I want to know you
Me: And stop just ignoring what you want
Me: Please ashley
Me: I dont hate you, and I never will
Me:: Ive said that to you before and after this letter
Her:: u know.. we talked about everything.. but nothing....i dont think u ever understood me.. and i doubt u ever will...when i was all depressed n
suicidal n # i never told u any of that because i didnt think u would understand.. i was always afraid of telling u stuff because i never knew ho you
would react..its like i knew you.. but only so well.....despite what u may think... i didnt go around #ing everyone the whole time u weren't
there...and i didn't do any of the # i did to hurt people. but im also not entirely sorry about what i did.
Her: when u came and even before u came i tried to tell u that i didnt feel the same way. i told u that soo many times.. but u never listened
Her:: i said i couldnt give u want u wanted...
Her: i never could
Her: look, i seriously doubt that u really want o talk to me besides yelling at me.. and i dont want to talk to you
Me: well you know if you didnt think you could tell me its your own fault then
Me: if you had told me you were depressed and # and I flipped out
Me: then yeah
Me: I could see how you wouldnt tell me stuff like that
Me: You could have said straight up "dont come down"
Me: LIke you did about a week ago
Me What did that make me do? That made me drop everything and give up
Me: Too bad you couldnt have said this a little whiles earlier
Her: when i first told u about prom i did tell u i didnt want u to come
Her: but u were all
Her: no i wanna come
Her: blah blah blah
Me:: And oh yeah wait didnt we end up being all lovey duby on sunday? I seem to remember that. Thats what burned me
Her: and u yelled at me
Me: I said " what do you want" and you went " I want you here"
Me: I remember
Her: because u were pissed at me the whole first part of the weekend
Me: Wait I yelled at you when?
Her: i dont know? some time on the phone
Me: You know if you seriously thought
Me: That you could never give me what I wanted then why the charade for so long
Her: i gave u soooo many hints it was over
Me: Yes like that afternoon we spent together on sunday was one huge hint
Me: Your soo many contradictions
Me: Your so many people
Me: I just cant find the one who was my friend
Me: I dont hate you
Me: I really dont
Her: maybe because u didnt #ing know me
Me: I dont want to stop talking to you
Me: Yes I didnt ever #ing no you
Me: because you didnt open up
Me: Its not my #ing fault you wanted to wear a mask
Her: i dont want to talk to you anymore ross.
HEr: i really cant
Me: Cause its true
Me: Its not my fault I didnt know you
Me: Like even though you think I didnt know you
Me: Even though you wanted it to end sooner
Her: its been over for a long time..
Me: Do you realize how much love I put into things? like I just want to know if
Me: Like I just want to know if you ever realized how much effort I put into things
Me: Thats all
Me: Regardless of whehter it added up to anything
Her: u said it yourself i wasnt putting any effort into anything
Me: Im not talking about you
Me: Im talking about me loving you
Me: You do realize that I did put a lot of my self into loving you and that I wasnt ever half assing it
Her: did u realize that i never put anything into it???? was that not a clue???
Her: i couldnt love u the way u wanted
Her: i told u that
Me: You said you loved me
Me: You forget all the good stuf
Her: i NEVEr asked u to give anything
Me: And your just focusing on the last couple months
Her: i said that a loong time ago
Me: Dont tell me it was all a Lie
Me: But you said it
Me: At one point we cared about each other on the same level
Her: i did then
Me: but it changed
Me: Its true
Me: I know that or we wouldnt be here
Me: so dont say that you never put anything into it
Me: thats a lie
Me: you did
Me: I did
Her:: i changed
Me: And Im sorry I did
Me: yeah you have changed
Me: I dont know you anymore
Her: u never did...
Me: In my heart I know I did
Me: regardless of what you said
Me: you cant get inside my head
Me: you dont know what I may ormay not know
Me: You shared with me your feelings emotions and secrets and I listened
Me: I was there for you when you needed it
Me: Im sorry it just never worked out
Her: i shared what i could tell u.. which wasnt a lot
Her: we liked more the idea of eachother than eachother
Her: i dont think i really know who u are
Me: You dont anymore
Her: or what makes u happy.. just like u dont know that about me
Me you really think you dont know me?
Me: I never hid stuff from you
Me: I mean I think we dont know each othe cause we never spent more than a couple days together
Me: And thats my fault
Me But its too late to go back and change anything
Me: but I dunno bout you speaking about our relationship for the both of us, I may not have just "liked more th idea of eachother than eachother"
Me: But thats the whole thing
Me: We disagree bout it and thats why its over
Me: I still care about you on a personal level like about your well being and stuff
Me: But even if I kept in contact with you till the I died I understand that I can never have our love back and thats just something I have to deal
Her: we had something for a very shot time..
Me: I understand now that you basically had broken up with me months ago and that weekend was a silly little fling, and that lessens my anger. Do I
still feel betrayed? Yeah but really theres nothing to say about it. Yelling at you doesnt accomplish anything because you only followed each other
Me: Yes and I would have loved it to go on longer, but it didnt
Me: We had something though and you cant blot that out
Me: You cant make that not exist
Me: *your heart
Her: no.. no i cant..
Her: nor do i want to..
Her: but it couldnt last
Me: yes under these conditions it cant
Me: and even if I was your next door neighbor now it wouldnt last
Me: theres simply a rift now and its no bodies fault
Me: its a fact of life that stuff ends
Me: It sounds cliched but I will always remember those early days with fodness
Me: your still a beautiful person n my eyes and I dont want to stop talking to you
Her: ross.. i cant talk to u anymore.....
Her: there is nothing i have to say that you would listen to. and since i dont think u really knew me..what is left?
Her: good bye ross
Me: Do you really want to give up
Me: Why cant we talk casually as friends online
Me: I mean I have no illusions that your gonna become my best friend of the opposite sex
Me: I realize it will probably be sporadic and long time periods between you and I talking for like 5 minutes online
Me But I still wouldnt mind you to be there to talk to if I needed
Me: Hell maybe we will finally learn something about each other
Me: Dont assume I wont listen unless its something about the former you and I
Her: i'd rather forget u ross.. i need to forget u. what is talking now and then online? there really isn't a point..
HEr: its the end.
Me: I dont think you can ever put an end on it
Me: You can try and forget everything
Me: I dont know why you want to
Her: i need to.
Her: bye, and good luck
Me: Talking now and then, well it keeps you alive in my memory
Me: I dont need luck
Me: I make my own
XXXXXX signed off at 2:13:30 PM.
I feel like a weight is off my shoulder but at the same time I feel dissatisfied with the outcome.
I feel like a foreigner song.
And if you have a problem with me posting a chat log then why are you even looking at this thread?
[Edited on 17-6-2004 by Agent47]