Adoption is not a good alternative to abortion.

I was an adopted child & born at a time when abortion in the UK was illegal yet still widely practised behind the net curtains of suburbia. My natural Mother was unmarried, estranged from her own parents & seemingly had no means of financial support. My natural Father was aware of the pregnancy & failed to respond to letters and telephone calls, leaving my natural Mother with the difficult decision of what to do.

I was placed for adoption two months after my birth, placed with a loving couple who were unable to have children of their own. My adoption finally passed the final legal hurdle some seven months after my birth ... the court process costing a grand total of ten shillings (or £0.50 in "new money", maybe $0.75) ... my adoptive parents kept the court receipt too, which I still keep in my "memory box". An expensive receipt that was for them over the years, but one they never grudged. I was fortunate that way.

I've always known I was adopted, it was never kept secret. Even as a child I remember being told that my natural Mum loved me very much & was heartbroken by giving me up. That despair must surely have been all the more greater by her holding onto me for 2 months before making the final decision, at least that's what I've always assumed. But that wasn't the case.

I've always had a sense that something is missing in my life and to an extent too that I'm an outsider, with a degree of unwantedness as well. I remember being turned away as a four year old from a childrens party on the grounds I was adopted, my adoptive Mother was livid with the other parents. The prejudice against adopted children seems rather unbelievable viewed from the present day, but it's true nevertheless. Children born out of wedlock were bastards and bastards is what they remained despite being adopted. Dreadful, isn't it, that an innocent child could be viewed in such a way ? But for me such attitudes echo down through the years.

That sense of unwantedness continues to this day, it's difficult to explain without making it sound melodramatic, but the unwantedness has led me over the years to engage in relationships and activities with some really dubious characters in an attempt to belong, to belong to a person or group and to help me feel valued. It resulted in me joining a gang & gaining a juvenile criminal record, something I'm not proud of.

You could of course argue that I have a fierce independence & a single-minded determination. Looks much better on paper, I guess. But that isn't how it feels at all. Because after the death of my adoptive parents I made attempts through official channels to get in touch with my natural Mother. She was contacted on my behalf by the local Social Services Dept. We learned she had later married, had two more children & that her family were not aware of her earlier pregnancy. After much soul searching she chose not to accept any contact from me, on the grounds it would prove too difficult for her family.

All of which I understand & accept. But I find myself now twice rejected & it cuts deep. It wasn't the outcome I anticipated or hoped for.

To those who think adoption is an easy option, it hasn't been for me. At 42 y/o I've still got issues & will take them to the grave, I expect. Carrying a child to term & placing it for adoption is not an easy option for the Mother or the child, arguably it's a more difficult course to follow than a relatively straightforward medical procedure.

But is adoption a good alternative to abortion ? Of course it is. Bringing joy to a childless couple through the adoption process is one of the most altruistic things an expectant Mother can do, albeit one borne of necessity. But the issues carried through the years by all concerned can be damaging too.

Everyone needs to take that on board when adoption is being considered.

Originally posted by chickenshoes
reply to post by asmeone2

 

So often I have seen adoption touted as the cure all. For one thing, it is no woman's responsibility to provide a child for someone who can't have one. For another, obviously adoption has serious emotional consequences which cannot be ignored.

As I have said before, in any situation, when the person feels forced, pushed , coerced, or duped into doing anything against what they really want, or if they have not thoroughly searched what is truly in their heart, and they go against the grain of what is true for them, is where the problems lie. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in this situation. It is up to each individual.

Yes that is very true, you have worded youself well.

I beleive that many woman who do have either adoption or abortion regret would have rather have had the child and kept it but were pressured not to, and the guilt of that really just adds insult to injury.

reply to post by Heike


I do not claim the authority to tell others what to do. *I* cannot even make up my mind on abortion. As GOod Wolf said, it's a moral dilimma, because life and freedom are the two things that I hold most dear but here they are in abject conflict.

reply to post by AccessDenied


A lot of the teen, and young mothers that I know have chosen to raise the baby in their own parent's house hold. Me and a few of my friends are in this situation. I think it is great to do that, because although it does take some hits to the pride since it is considered dishonorable to live with your parents, I think it is much better for the children in question.

reply to post by Niall197


THank you for sharing.

A personal friend of mine had a very similar story.

You and several other posters have illustrated that adopted kids never really do 'get over it.'

Originally posted by FlyersFan

Animals kill animals - but animal mothers do NOT rip their children from their womb just to make life easier for themselves. Abortion is not committed in nature except by humans and usually just for selfish reasons.

And neither do grown women. I nor any other woman that I know who has been in that position has taken it lightly or made the decision they did because it was "convenient" or because they "wanted to make life easier for themselves". You are not me, or anyone else, therefore you are not in a position to ever make that assumption about people's motivations.

Again - adoption IS a very good alternative to murdering the child.
I know perhaps a dozen adopted people and not one of them wishes
they were murdered before birth.

And the OP provided examples very much to the contrary, which you, as far as I can tell, have ignored and dismissed.

Having had 2 children, I know for a fact that pregnancy is nothing to take lightly, and I can certainly understand how even a woman who fully intends to give up her baby initially can become conflicted or worse towards the end and afterward, after you have had a chance to bond with your baby while still in utero.

Surely you also know that pregnancy and delivery is not without pretty sizable health risks?

None of the options are easy choices, and you must be absolutely certain you are doing the right thing according to your beliefs.

So, if you don't believe in abortion, well, don't have one. It's very simple

Originally posted by chickenshoes
Originally posted by FlyersFan

And neither do grown women. I nor any other woman that I know who has been in that position has taken it lightly or made the decision they did because it was "convenient" or because they "wanted to make life easier for themselves". You are not me, or anyone else, therefore you are not in a position to ever make that assumption about people's motivations.

Nobody WANTS to have an abortion, the women ALWAYS feel that it is their last or only choice. Both sides would do well to stop villiffying the women and recognize that they do not see it as murder, at least at the time. We need to stop throwing rhetoric like "anti-choice" or "pro-murder" and attack the reasons that make women feel that they need an abortion rather than the procedure itself.

reply to post by BlackMumba


Lack of responsibility? You are aware I hope that not all methods of contraception are 100% affective. My wife got pregnant three and a half years ago, she was on the pill at the time, and we also used condoms. Yet somehow from the .00001% she ended up pregnant. Neither of us could have supported a child emotionally or financially.

We discussed adoption as well as abortion, adoption was right out due to the horror stories she had heard about the emotional attachment, not to mention the cost of having the child (she was uninsured at the time).

Living paycheck to paycheck as we were doing (and still doing now come to think of it), we had to borrow the money for the abortion. We discussed it constantly, no matter what, I wanted this to be her choice.

The day comes for it to happen, we weave through the crowd of protesters and we sit in the lobby of the place for 3 hours, the time comes, and amazingly they let me into the room with her. I can't imagine how she was feeling, all I know is that I was going insane, but not with guilt over the fetus, that was the last thing on my mind. My insanity was having to see her like that.

I can't imagine how she felt, all I can say is how I felt. It hurt me quite a bit to see what she went through. I layed awake a few nights and cried, even though I told her I would support her no matter her choice, I blamed myself thinking that I had talked her into it somehow. That's one thing you never hear of in all this, how the other party feels.

I do wish there was another option for those of us who don't want children. I know some of you will say "oh well don't have sex if you're not willing to deal with it", yeah, you try not having sex for a while and see how good your relationship is, or how stable you are as a person. Both of us have spoken with our doctor about my getting a vasectomy or her getting her tubes tied. Since we're both younger (25 and 26 respectively), and have no children, they wouldn't even hear of it, it's not even an option, unless of course we had the money to throw at them (which we don't obviously).

Neither of us want children, it's just when accidents happen, the options are limited for dealing with the situation.

reply to post by Hypntick


This is quite true, no contraceptive is 100%. In fact, I have experienced birth control failure twice in my life, both at times when we were using it correctly and religiously, in fact.

And, not every woman wants a tubal, and not every man wants a vasectomy. There are risks with both procedures, moreso with tubal ligation, not to mention that they are both pretty much permanent. Also, if you have no health insurance, who would pay for the procedure in the first place?

We have no county health department any more, so there is no free birth control any more either. No free depo provera (which has serious risks and side effects associated with it) no free foam, no free condoms, no free nothin' anymore.



[edit on 12/11/2008 by chickenshoes]

Adoption is not a good alternative, especially because of overpopulation. With the economy the way it is, there is no way every child put up for adoption will be adopted, and we all know there are many problems with foster care.

Also, many children put up for adoption in lieu if abortion (not all, but a good amount) are the children of either very young couples, unmarried couples, parents who either drink, smoke, use drugs, have diseases, etc... these kids can have many problems upon birth. It's not fair to put them up for adoption on top of everything.

/I have had many pregnancy scares due to late periods (even though I take the pill correctly and use condoms.) I really would be upset having an abortion. My mother has had one. Really, though, I think pro-life people think us pro-choicers WANT abortions. Nobody WANTS one. It's not like... teeth whitening or something. It's a super hard decision but sometimes it needs to happen, to make the world better.

reply to post by Hypntick

My wife got pregnant three and a half years ago, she was on the pill at the time, and we also used condoms.

Exactly, was reading this thread and came across this statement. Most of the people I know who experienced unwanted pregnancies weren’t as careful as they should have been but I’ve known more than a few women who were on the pill, and men who used condoms with their partners. There is always the risk of an unwanted pregnancy or STD no matter how safe you are. Demonizing people who are less lucky than others is pretty vindictive if you ask me, hell even demonizing people who weren’t careful is really low in my book. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes women don’t have a choice either, sometimes they conceive a child while being raped. That’s why I’m so glad that women in my country have options, and when it comes to unwanted pregnancies none of those options are easy to choose and live through, not abortion or adoption or deciding to keep the baby. Making any of them sound less difficult than the others is silly, that all depends on the individual and their personal situation.

I am an expert on this subject. I am a search angel and reunite biological families lost to each other through adoption. Abortion leaves permanent scars. Adoption is not always perfect. For any person involved in adoption, mother, father or child, do everything you can to find your bio relatives. I say this through years of experience. There is a hole in your heart that nothing but finding your bio family will fill. That child is STILL looking for you, I guarantee it. That mom is STILL looking for you. Do you know that 30 years ago parents paid up to 25,000 for a baby? It was the selling of babies, and I don't care what they called it. I could write a book on the horror stories of moms who changed their minds and had their babies ripped away from them. The stories are horrendous. Every person deserves to know, face to face, their biological heritage. The only adoptions should be OPEN where all interactions are HONEST. International adoptions should be ILLEGAL. If you really care that much about an international child - -sponsor them -- and bring them here when they are 18 or 21 - but never take them away from their heritage.

I speak from love and from over 20 years experience. If you are seeking your bio relatives - register with your state's adoption registry and with the international registry in Nevada. God will help you find your family. It is one method of healing hearts. Search angels will help. For free. Godspeed.

reply to post by ravenshadow13


..saying that there are no people waiting for adopted babies is simply not true. I was adopted at birth, and my parents had to wait on a 14 year waiting list!!! There were that many desperate couples wanting a baby!

Also, my biological parents were very young at the time.. and I'm probably an accident for one reason or another... but I'm in perfect health, won plenty of athletic events, etc... but I can't give all the credit to my biology lol.. my parents (my adopted ones) raised me on the best foods, and made sure I had plenty of physical activity.

Am I pro-life? Well speaking as an adopted child, I'm sure as heck glad I'm alive! Hell, if my birth mother had decided to end my life.. I would have fought those neck snapping scissors to the death! ...but of course I wouldn't have been able to because babies are helpless.

Back on a more serious note. I absolutely agree that a mother should be able to abort if her health is in jeopardy.. and I don't mean because she's worried that she is going to loose her hour glass shape.. tough. If she is having serious health complications.
I also agree with others that have mentioned that gays should be able to adopt... though I worn them that there is a lot of competion for the few babies out there!
I also agree with others that pregnancy causes difficulties and challenges for the mother, even depression afterwords, but for me, it was worth it! I like to live! What a crime if I hadn't I like life and if I had to take on these challenges myself I gladly would!
I also agree that rape is a terrible thing... but why should the baby have to suffer to? Why add to the crime by killing the kid to? Again plenty of great couples out there want kids but aren't able to have them! (like my own parents) Imagine turning something horrible (like rape) around to something very VERY special (the gift of a child).

Anyway... feel free to make comments on my points, refute them, etc. I love this debate!
-Chris

reply to post by asmeone2

asmeone2:

Very good thread. I do feel for the mother who gives her baby away. It must truly be a lost like that of losing your child. I do however, believe that a women must have the choice of the outcome of her pregancy. Of course, the best result for an unwanted baby would be no baby to worry about. I agree that is where more attention is needed in education and in families.

I have lost a child. He died 2 weeks before his 8th birthday. There is no greater loss or pain that a parent forever goes through.


Peace,
Grandma

reply to post by chickenshoes


To my knowledge, I don't think insurace would even cover sterilization, except for the older people who have children, as hypnotik said. I think most plans consider it an optional or cosmetic procedure and so they won't foot the bill.

Which makes no sense to me, considering how much more they would have to pay if the policiy holder got pregnant.

reply to post by ravenshadow13


That's expecially a problem in completely closed adoptions, where pertinant medical information may be held back.

reply to post by rapinbatsisaltherage


I agree with you, but even with its occasional failures birth control does work for many woman when applied. The failure rates do not negate the need for an individual (especially a young one) to take responsibility in his sexual life.

reply to post by Grandma


My deepest sypmathies on the loss of your child.

Thank you for being tactful in your response. I know you are a devout Christian and I applaude you for having the bravery to go against the common Christian view and leave it up to the women.

Although many think it is justified in this case, I think it is a very slippery slope to make laws about what medical procedures an individual can or cannot approve for his own body.

Originally posted by asmeone2
To my knowledge, I don't think insurace would even cover sterilization, except for the older people who have children, as hypnotik said. I think most plans consider it an optional or cosmetic procedure and so they won't foot the bill.

Well it maybe different now (but then again sterilization is a lot cheaper than covering the birth and aftercare for babies). But I had my tubes tied at 23 with insurance, I did not have any children. It was three months after I had an abortion, with the same doctor so it was surely an obvious response to that experience. That was 20 years ago, it was quite easy. It is still possible to have the procedure reversed, or go with IVF, but both options are expensive, that put my mind at ease because I realized I could never go temporarily insane and decide to have a kid without some serious thought and investment.

I recall another woman I worked with who was about the same age, but did have one child, also got snipped at that same time.

There is no legal reason for doctors to avoid it, contracts are signed. I think the doctors often just say something discouraging and then the person runs away.

To the anon person that said "abortion always leaves permanent scars". That is absolutely NOT true. Maybe for some people, but it is surely not a life changing horrid experience that haunts every woman for a lifetime. The anti-abortionists just like to pretend that it is.


[edit on 11-12-2008 by Sonya610]