reply to post by Thurisaz
Oh, my dear Thurisaz you sound totally distraught and understandably so. But please understand one thing and know it to be true (I have only read your
OP so if other posters have said the same I'm sorry to be repetitive);
#1 IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT
#2 YOU DID NOT ... NOR EVER WILL DESERVE IT
I have not experienced what you have but I was in a physically and psychologically abusive marriage for the biggest part of my life (21yrs).
So I do have some idea how helpless you are feeling and how easy it is;
to feel responsible ...
to feel it's something you have to accept ...
to feel alone ...
to feel like 'what's the point' ...
to feel totally useless ...
to feel ashamed for 'allowing' someone treat you in an unacceptible way ...
to feel weak ...
to feel like a victim ...
I have felt all these things and more - but Thurisaz you have to remind yourself right now that you are holding the trump card ... you have
'freewill' and it will take all your strength in this weakened condition to make such an effort but you are in a position now to turn your life
around ... reclaim your dignity and self-esteem !
The way I see it most people who suffer emmence life-trauma fit into one of two catagories ... 'sinkers' and 'swimmers' ! And whatever choice the
individual chooses you need to know that every single person who has been in a position like yours (or mine), including those who have suffered more
than us (and believe me there are many), all have the ability to become a 'swimmer'.
I could have chosen to be a 'sinker' it would have been so easy because I lived in fear of my ex-husband every day of our married life. But I
decided to swim and I splashed and spluttered and clawed my way out of the crap I'd been slowly sinking in. And I would be lying if I said this
happened overnight ... it didn't (but it's never too late). I perservered (I'm not sure how) and you can too, really you can.
And do you know something Thursiaz ... one day something just clicks inside and you know all that struggling to to keep your head above the water is
over because you are no longer the person you used to be. You are so much stronger than you ever imagined possible (and don't ever let anyone tell
No-one who reads my posts here or knows me in the real world could ever imagine what a scared little rabbit I once was ... because I am such a strong
(and in spite of it all), well-rounded woman now who can hardly believe it myself.
But let me tell you a little secret ... without my awful experiences and all the effort involved, I would not be this person I am now. I turned the
negativity of all that had gone before into strength ... and you can too.
And Thurisaz, once you have healed yourself and feel your strength pushing the bad stuff out ... you will find yourself in an enviable position where
you might be able to help others who have experienced the kind of things you have (learn them how to swim for themselves), because there is no better
teacher than the one who has been where you are now and climbed their way out.
If you want to chat or ask me anything send me a u2u. Woody