6 Little Known Monsters Largely Ignored by Hollywood, page 1

3. Obayifo

Tagline: THIS WITCH ONLY COMES OUT AT NIGHT…

What are they?

Obayifo is part of the Ashanti lore from Africa. They are said to be witches or warlocks who really look no different than any other person. They blend in during the day, going about their work and generally being productive citizens of the local warlord. At night, though, well that’s a different story.

See, the Obayifo can detach their souls from their bodies to scour the land, looking for fruit, vegetables and tree sap to munch. And if that’s not around, then Obayifo also likes to drink blood and devour little children.

Luckily, Obayifos are pretty easy to spot once they’re in their demon form. They have beady, shifty eyes. A passion for cuisine, they love to hang outside fondue restaurants, salivating over meat. Oh, and you can also spot an Obayifo if you see someone with a glowing green light emanating from its armpits or ass.

Whose Ass Would It Kick?

Let’s face it, this is just another variation of the vampire. Except they not only eat kids and gorge on goblets of wine, but they also have a habit of inadvertently creating crop blights and famines when they’re hungry enough. While Dracula has the ability to create a blood-sucking harem by kissing local MILFs dry, Obayifo could melt the bastard just by farting out sunlight.

How Do You Kill It?

Actually, dispatching an Obayifo plague is as simple as hiring your local okomfo – a white witch trained in the arts of dealing with Obayifos. If your town is short of Okomfos – or the crazy drunk guy at ComicCon dressed as Gandalf doesn’t pan out – you could always gather a small band of angry villagers and just kill anybody you think may be a witch, a typical past time in Ghanna.

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2. Flavros

Tagline: STAY IN THE TRIANGLE!

What is it?

Flavros is a Great Duke of Hell, with some thirty-six legions of demons at his disposal. He’s often depicted in humanoid form, but with a leopard face and grimly clawed hands. He can come in the form of a human, but his eyes blaze with hell fire. In short, you don’t mess with Flavros.

But of all the monsters on this list, Flavros can be extremely useful to someone with big enough testes to try and conjure and control him (maybe like a Transhuman). After drawing a triangle on the floor mixed with other symbols found in the Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual, a proper demonologist can call forth Flavros to garner insight into the mysteries of space and time, life and death or pick all the winners in your office NCAA pool. Except you have to be sure to get Flavros to enter the triangle, otherwise, he’ll just lie his ass off and laugh as he lures you into a false sense of security (and debt, if you’re in that pool), slashes your throat with his claws, and then drags you back to hell to be Satan’s pin cushion.

So, by all means, go for it. Just stay in the triangle.

Whose Ass Would It Kick?

Tony Soprano. No, I’m not kidding.

You see, Flavros also offers the budding black magician the chance to exact revenge on his or her enemies by burning them to a smoldering cinder. And even better, like Tony, Flavros can knock some sense into fellow demons who are treating the magician like a bitch. We’re not sure the price for such services – maybe your first born, or you know, your immortal soul. Just whatever you do, stay in the goddamned triangle.

How Do You Kill It?

Frankly, you don’t kill demons. Sorry. The best you can hope for is they decide to leave, maybe to go help that pimply kid from biology class who really wants to get laid.

But assuming you haven’t completely pissed off the Supreme Being of the Universe for raising a demon from the depths of hell and all, the best way to take care of Flavros is to call in an exorcist. The Catholic Church still has a few around.

1. Manananggal

Tagline: SHE’LL GIVE YOU HEAD – TILL YOU’RE DEAD!

What is it?

Imagine encountering the beauty of your dreams. She’s alluring, provocative, smart and causes you to have to sit just a little longer in your desk, thinking thoughts of baseball and Aunt Millie after her flirtatious advances with her bountiful cleavage.

She’s every woman you dreamed to meet. She seems to really like you. So, you take her out on a date and soon enough, you guys are an item. Now at some point in any relationship, a couple’s love is tested as they each get to see the other’s faults. Will the girl still think the guy is the bees’ knees after sixteen consecutive hours of ESPN? Will that growing waistline and penchant to pick lint from his bellybutton be the death knell of a robust sex life?

And how about the girl? Would the fact that she, too, has gas be a major turnoff? If she, in fact, does look a little on the plush side in that black dress mean your eyes are searching for the next beauty?

Could you still love a girl whose head detaches from her body at night and trails her heart, lungs and intestines around in the search for fetuses to suck dry?

The Manananggal is a Filipino monster, a beautiful woman by day who, because she messed around with an Ouija Board once (fair warning to the fairer sex), can now make her head and innards fly around like zombie Batman across the skyline. The Manananggal (or Penanggal in Malaysia) drinks blood, preferring the freshness of either new mothers or newborns, and may go so far as to suck a fetus’ heart out with a long, straw-like appendage that comes out of her mouth.

While her tastes in cuisine may lack a certain amount of moral sentiment (I’d love to see a director get that first baby victim scene passed the MPAA), Manananggal makes up for it in utter disgusting coolness. You’d think a flying head would be a major inconvenience to basic motor coordination. And you’d be wrong. You see, the Manananggal can use her dripping intestinal cords as makeshift hands. So, you can still share intimate hand-holding walks on moonlit nights. Make out under the stars. At least until her little intestines wrap around your neck and strangle you for telling her about her ass in that dress.

Whose Ass Would It Kick?

Really, what Hollywood monster out there even has a chance? Not only can she fly, but being just a head and all, makes for a viciously difficult target.

Nonetheless, there may be one who could counter Manananggal – the bodiless doctor from Re-Animator. Careful, NSFW:

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More than likely though, your Manananggal would likely cuckold you during her night flights with the good doctor, with her claiming that there’s just something missing from your relationship….

How Do You Kill It?

On top of being horrifically disgusting, the Manananggal also is a bugger to kill. It requires real cleverness on the part of the hunter.

The trick is to stakeout where the Manananggal hides her body during her nightly jaunts. Once the body is found without the head, the easiest way to dispatch of her would be to pour glass shards into the neck cavity. When Manananggal returns before sunrise, her internal organs will sever on the glass pieces. Other legends say one can pour salt or garlic in the neck for the same effect, or have a priest bless the body to prevent the Satanically tinged head from reattaching before dawn.

Of course, you may discover that your Manananggal stores her body in a vat of pickle juice, so there’s that. And it explains why your girlfriend always had that curious odor of a Vlassic.