Bsbray I just deleted 6000 or so words, as I realised it reminded too much of my own journeys of understanding myself, and the healing I experienced
on that journey, and did have when doing Psychiatric Nursing when younger. Also I took counselling courses at a fairly young age too, in a voluntary
organisation to help youngsters from difficult backrounds, and this is not the place for that
When you read the below you can imagine what I deleted, or maybe not lol... anyhow...
So I will make a long story indeed as short and descriptive as possible in reply to your question, I hope it still is relevant.
I had very little contact with my Parents, not seeing one of them until the age of four/five years old when first born, and was raised by other family
member's therefore. I though was brought up in a deprived area, but another family member paid for me to go to an very exclusive Roman Catholic
private school, and all my formative teaching was done by Monks/Brothers of the order that run the school.
Even though I was lucky enough to be taken in by those other family members, they had lost their own child of under 10 yrs old, exactly 1 year to the
day I was born in a tragic accident.
I nearly immediately was placed with them. I also was in a incubator first for a long time in those days, an unusual amount of time for medical
science then, and was lucky to live, due to my very very early birth.
In those days it was very sterile and don't touch attitude to premature children, so as far as I know I had no Human contact, besides medically for
the first 6 weeks of my life. Then I was placed into a mourning and reactive depressed family as explained...
So I mention this not looking for Ah bless, very much dealt with many many many moons ago to say the least!, But to explain that I obviously developed
ways of experiencing the world not as the "norm" and learnt, to be very happy indeed with my own company at an early age.
Not needing or desiring to recreate the normal contact with caregivers most have, which then translates in life when older as constantly looking for
peer and social validation.
So my internal world became more of a focus at an early age than most, who look out to others for approval and justification. Without those Parents to
ask questions of or gain guidance from, I had to formulate my own ideas about how things were, and should be.
It made me a lifelong rebel of sorts, in that If I really Really think something is right, I don't really care what others think of me, I will do it,
stand up for it and fight for it.
This is actually something in retrospect I am glad of. However I have due to this trait, to make sure that streak is not allowed to go the wrong way
as in "Right for Me/Selfish" and not the really really right, as in a good moral/spiritual basis.
I know I am there at my time of life, but once or twice I strayed and it has got me a couple of times in hot water!
So with that basis I intended for you to understand the following. Due to the pernicious and all emcompasing religious brain washing I suppose, which
If anyone who has been educated by Monks/Brother's will understand, I experienced when young a strong faith indeed.
It was stronger in me than most as explained above, it was a certainty for me to hold onto, something that would not change, a "Father" a such, a
crux to fill the void I had compared to others with external figures to look up to and adore.
Well I was 12/13 and taken to the Vatican in Rome, I had served as an altar boy with the local Cathedral for a long time, mass 5-7 days a week since
about 4 yrs old.
I had then just started to understand Politics and the outside world, and become aware of Famine, Africa etc...Maybe those pictures of crying children
touched me more on an empathetic level because I could really empathise with their lack, not food but other things...
I just couldn't understand It, I will never forget being in the Vatican square , eagerly anticipating going into the basilica, and a large convoy of
police bikes and cars, swept up to the front, and a cardinal got out.
He had such fine robes, big gold ring, an air of arrogance and oppulance about him as he strode up the steps. I started to doubt my faith..., my life
had taught me young to see throw the "Surface" appearances of people, that a smile and all the associated labels and "Front" could mean something
very different indeed.
Then 20 minutes later being inside and all the majesty, gold, wealth from within the Vatican. I couldn't figure it out why were children starving
when this was here, in Gods place....
It was a real breakdown of sorts, my last belief in anything external, in the illusion of Maya was broken, nearly me with it though to!!
I now had nothing external to trust or believe in.
I did "Act Out" following that for a year or two, but also started exploring other faiths and my own mind, looking for that rock, and perspective to
trust and believe in. I devoured mainly books on Tibet/Buddhism and the Mystical Paranormal & Politics of all cultures.
I had just chosen my Confirmation name "Francis" from St Francis of Assisi as I loved nature and animals. So I explored this aspect of the world
views deeply too.
So long story short I had my first night of the dark soul at a very young age, and I am soo glad in retrospect. I took up meditation and Tai Chi.
Now from my short description with many aspects left out of the "interesting" life experiences, that I have been blessed with many more have
followed often quite from an observers point of view tragic, but as you ask about perspective, well it is everything.
I care not what really is happening "out there" but what my response to it is "in here".
That is not to say I don't care about other people etc, so very far from it, just in terms of my own life events, Bring it On I say because I am more
likely to be upset, when I get angry at someone for pulling out in front of me, rather than seeing a tragedy unfold in my life on the same day
If I can deal with that later situation with patience and love, and see it for the illusion it is.
I had an NDE as well some 4 years ago, and the contributers who state they try and see things from the others point of view is so right.
I experienced the classic Life review, and I promise all reading this that when you leave the physical, there is something else, and you WILL
experience every word, deed and hard to explain but they affect others to Thought, you have ever had, said or done to others, from how it feels to
them amplified a hundred times or more.
This is difficult for me as for many years with meditating etc, I have once or twice experienced the reality of Emptiness. But in this NDE review it
seemed so real and there, so I am struggling now spiritually with this dichotomy.
All I know is LOVE is truly the only thing there is really, and devoid of that empty nature, and we must all strive to Love Unconditionally all of
time, no matter how the "screen" or "play" we experience shows us, for if you hate another you are truly hating yourself.
Another aspect to my experience also is from before my NDE and the meditation practise of mindfulness. I have over the years now become very aware of
the NOW, and the relaxing of the illusion of then and later breaks down, making even very simple things like washing and eating extrodinary at times
I love the quote in Buddhism
Can you see the clouds in your tea?
As in a cup of tea, the interconnectedness is true, and this simple truth can be so profound, I have realised and nearly tasted the stars in the tea
Or the moisture laden out breath of Jesus or Buddha, and conversely later when thinking of this.....realising Hitler too, But Now the same water is
now being carried in the air of the Dalai Llama's next outbreath, or maybe his Pee lol, maybe your's reader.
I think I shall leave you with that to ponder and I am sure that last paragraph will challenge many peoples perspective!
Love and Light to you All really, and deeply, It is my sincere wish that what I have added may help some clear the illusion in their minds.
[edit on 1-12-2008 by MischeviousElf]