Some Experiences in My Consciouness, page 2

Now that you know what I do, you can understand why I had a busy weekend.

Thank you all who support with your kind words, and now we continue, hoping that it can be useful and help us all remember some important things in life.

My Inner Voice(s) Developed:

After my last experience with Dmod and what I saw, life went on as usual.

You have to remember that it all seemed very natural, like "the way things are supposed to be".
I did, as mentioned before, not only remember that moment constantly, but some of the feelings of having "been" my HS (HigherSelf) for a few seconds, remained.

As this went on, I started to notice that there was still that “Central” Knower, the one that I had called HS, only now it was not a “separate” position, like I experienced that time, but it acted kind of like an “Inner Voice” inside.

I share that, seen from a child's perspective, and even though the feelings of Unity and Certainty I sensed in my Dmod experience were very strong, I was hard to focus on them when presented with such a “different” reality as the one we see everyday. People walking, doing things. Places, many and varied. So many things going on. Although I could definitely see the harmony and ease with which the world's “machinery” worked, it all started to look so “fractionated”. So, in a way, I did not feel the expectation of being or feeling any different.

I slowly started to look at life and regular moments with sort of a variable perspective, where I would alter my sate of mind, depending on what I was dealing with.

For example, if I began to deal with books and information, some "memories" and more "mature" ways of handling information were activated. In fact, once my father saw that I reacted extremely "well" in this sense, he would constantly buy books for me, that I would devour not only because I liked learning, but also because it felt like REMEMBERING places, peoples, and situations with which I could relate, in one way or another.

Images, sensations and even feelings would constantly start creeping into my everyday "travels" through lecture, to the point that I would continuously "compare notes" with the written stories that I read, getting to even being mad at authors that didn't really "know what they were talking about", in my childhood's honest opinion.

It was only that “Inner Voice” that gave unity and a sense of “Self” to all my inner works. I define it as a “Voice” because it COMMUNICATED, and I sensed this communication quite clearly and concretely, knowing full well that it did not originate in my child's mind (I was also VERY aware of being a child...).

I ALSO, however, retained very well that it was ALL “myself” so I went on like that quite merrily. I have to admit that I enjoyed the attention at being “smart”, although in a way I felt that I was “cheating”.

As I grew older and more accustomed to my “way” of being, I started to notice that my situation was probably unique, more times than not because other children did not show the capacity to “understand” things that I possessed, and because their “envious and self-centered” actions and behavior, as I put at the time, were almost shocking to me.

The more that I started to get to know people, the more that I convinced myself that there was “something wrong” for I could not believe that “their inner voice” would lead others astray as I noticed SOME people to be. I was extremely sensitive, to the point where I would be genuinely hurt and would cry if provoked by injustice and “unfair and not-nice” games and attitudes the other children (and adults) could sometimes display.

I had to deal with the world and my life in some way, so I decided to more and more to go with my inner CERTAINTIES. It mattered not that I had no outside “confirmations” of any kind, for I thought that, if the outside was to be what I perceived, then I had the better hand.

When I would “listen”, or go along with my Inner Voice's “suggestions”, I would land on the right side of things. I made no mistakes. If I would, however, stubbornly stick to “my” decisions, feeling that I had to do and say by “myself” sometimes too, I would generally be very sorry, just because my “creative rebelliousness” would have most times unexpected and sometimes not “positive” consequences.
(Remember that I felt I was “cheating”, and this meant that sometimes I felt uneasy at knowing myself to be different. Also notice that here, as it can invariably happen, the feelings of Separation begin to take some hold, ALTHOUGH I KNEW BETTER.)

These first years of “clashing” in a sense with my extended and exterior worlds, began to make me have to DEFINE my sensations in some way, so that I could accurately “READ” them. This was because I had noticed a very interesting thing: in a strange way, that scene that I had seen in my Dmod was still there. The feeling of Unity was more than just a feeling, it was THERE. And that “Unison” that my Teacher and my HS would do, was most times there too.

So then, I started to make it a point at “differentiating” between the two. And then, also between the “others”(!), because, since I was making it my “task” to listen more intently to my “inner works”, I also started noticing that those flashes, those feelings and sensations of “other”places and times, were NOT coming from either one of my Teacher or HS. Those were coming from what I SUPPOSED to be those other “parts” of me at the “Round Table”. There was not other explanation as far as I was concerned, for I would not even consider that these inner impressions and sensations could have any other way of expression.

I had not even heard of re-incarnation until I was 9 or so. All this was probably better, because my work on my impressions was almost exclusively private, and so “exterior” concepts and ideas did not make their way to possibly sway or alter them until an age when, by then, most of my ideas and sensations were already clearer for me.

The only REAL intellectual clash was the one with Religion, but that will remain a separate issue.

CONTINUES...

[edit on 24-11-2008 by citizenc]