Al-Qaida No. 2 insults Obama in new audio message, page 3

reply to post by Leo Strauss

I believe they did use the formal. The Onion is bursting with self-written stories...here are a few just for levity sake.

Eighty Percent Of Al-Qaeda No. 2s Now Dead
February 1, 2006 | Issue 42•05

March 14, 2001
WASHINGTON, DC—The Pentagon announced Monday that 80 percent of Osama bin Laden's seconds-in-command have been eliminated. "Nearly 1,600 al-Qaeda leaders ranked number two have been wiped out," Lt. Col. Mark Allison said. "That leaves only 400 of Osama bin Laden's right-hand men in the organization." Following the apparent failure to kill bin Laden's No. 2 man Ayman al-Zawahri in a missile strike on a Pakistani border town on Jan. 13, American forces intensified the search for al-Qaeda second-in-command Ahmed Al-Zahnami, or, failing that, No. 2 man Amman al-Zaharani, or No. 2 man Ahmed al-Zafarani.

Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda Or Teens
August 18, 2004 | Issue 40•33
BARABOO, WI—Sauk County Sheriff Virgil "Butch" Steinhorst announced Tuesday that he believes a recent rash of Baraboo-area crimes was perpetrated by the al-Qaeda terrorist network or teenagers.

"In this day and age, it's important for law-enforcement officials to consider global threats as well as local ones," Steinhorst said. "We could be dealing with an al-Qaeda sleeper cell attempting to collect information that they could use to plan a terrorist strike or some of those goth kids who knocked over that mailbox. Neither group has any respect for the law."

Al-Qaeda's No. 114 Killed On Office Depot Run
August 31, 2006 | Issue 42•35
February 19, 2003

BALTIMORE—The FBI has announced that Jalal Dawoud, a suspected al-Qaeda lieutenant, was killed in a single-car accident while en route to procure miscellaneous office supplies Tuesday. "The DHS is proud to announce that this man, ranked No. 114 in al-Qaeda's terrorist organization, was fetching some toner and a box of gel pens, but was struck and killed before he could carry out his orders," said FBI Agent Lloyd Hopkinsen, who led a team of 36 investigators to the accident scene. "This is an important victory in the war against terror." The driver who struck Dawoud, livery cab driver and al-Qaeda's suspected No. 54 man Stefan Abu Ali, was treated for minor injuries and released from a Baltimore hospital.

Bush To London Bombers: 'Bring It On'
July 27, 2005 | Issue 41•30
August 10, 2005

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London transit bombings Monday, challenging terrorists to "do their worst." Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office: "The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them. They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on." Prime Minister Tony Blair thanked Bush for his comments, inviting him to visit London and ride the Underground in a show of solidarity

Police Search Of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller
August 10, 2005 | Issue 41•32
November 16, 2007
NEW YORK—Officers from the New York City Police Department evacuated the Union Square subway station and suspended all train service Monday after a random search of a passenger's backpack revealed an explosive bestseller.