Can you ever be sure?

I never opened a thread before and I do not write much on ATS (more the reading-type) but since I could not find an answer here yet I decided to open an own thread about my own specific question:

How do you know if you found the right person to spend your life with?
Is it enough that all the "standard-things" are good like wanting to have kids, having the same hobbies etc etc or does there need to be some kind of a "soul-connection"? A lot of you will say the most important is that you love a person (what of course is true), but I think there are probably a lot of love-levels. How can you ever be sure that there is no bigger love out there for you? or is the answer really "you just know"?

Thank you for your point of views!

reply to post by milabb.


Like you said, there are many love levels.

Personally, I think that there is a "soul mate" type love out there for everyone. The problem is, it is a big world and you may not find them. When you find that particular person, you will know.

If you are like the rest of us though .. you just have to make sure you really know the person that you are with. You can love someone forever without having that soul mate connection... in my opinion. I think that if you hold out your entire life waiting for that storybook type of relationship that you have a good chance that you will end up alone. That being said, don't rush out and get married to the first person that you have feelings for either. Take your time and get to know the person. Be honest about whether or not you could be with them forever without trying to find something better.

reply to post by Karlhungis


good post, thank you! you really get what I mean...
like you said, the most important thing probably is that when you decide to spend your life with someone that you stop hoping/searching for something better/deeper etc.
probably it is just difficult to decide when to stop searching for a soulmate-kind-of-thing or for a more intensive connection or however you want to call it. it is difficult to decide that you maybe reached the highest love-level you personally can get in your life.

I think we meet lots of people in our path, and have relationships with them, -- for me - its more about learning about myself, -- theres nothing like a close relationship for that, -- and then the paradox, being alone can bring about much learning also....

I dont think its a good idea to see it as 'searching' for 'the one' -- as there are many 'ones' -- its more about where 'you' are at in this current moment,....everybody comes into our lives to teach us something -- and then they may move 0n, or not, -- stay a while or not, -- its just the way it goes, -- you have to just let it flow, and not try to grasp onto something you think you should have, or are missing out on...

when you speak of being worried that you may find a 'better' one, while you are with somebody who may not 'be' the one, -- it kind of reminds me of a child who is playing with a toy, but is wondering when they are going to get the next best biggest toy.....

I don't think I'd want to be with someone who is looking out for a better love to come along. Grass is always greener I guess.

reply to post by Jacqua


very interesting!
i agree with a lot of things you said.
i just do not feel that somebody who is worried about a certain relationship he or she has is comparable to a child wanting to have some bigger or better toy - it probably is more of a worry to make someone or yourself unhappy because you might not have this fairytale-soulmatish-love that conects you - even if you love each other.
i just always asked myself what to expect from "love" (relationship-love) - how it should feel that it is right to make a lifelong decision.




[edit on 19-11-2008 by milabb.]

reply to post by milabb.


Hey hun - you are really getting involved here...hehe

In my opinion there are just two options:
First is :you really find a soulmate. If you do, you `just know` that you need to be together forever.
Second is: you do not find a soulmate. you getting older and at one point you just agree to spend your life with the person that is most appropriate for you.

I guess that 90 % of all married people live with option no. 2.
There are very little fairytales out there. Life is a bitch.

It's a fair question. I'll respond with another. When you drill down deep enough, what is there that you're ever really really sure about? Anything? For me tihe answer is, nothing. I approach 100% certainty on some issues, but never really quite reach total 100% certainty about anything.

I'm not sure I'll live the next 10 minutes, but I'm sure enough to live like I will.

And point 2 (which a couple of others have already mentioned)- if there's enough of a question for you to spend any time contemplating whether or not there might be someone better, then they're not the one.

Not that there's 'certainty" involved with that. But when asking the question, "Might there be someone better?" I think if they're "The One", the answer ought to be, "It's irrelevant."

I agree with a LOT of what you've said.

Originally posted by Jacqua
I think we meet lots of people in our path, and have relationships with them, -- for me - its more about learning about myself, -- theres nothing like a close relationship for that, -- and then the paradox, being alone can bring about much learning also....

I believe, that for every person we meet - there is a reason - to learn. We are all here to learn from each other and take this knowledge from each relationship to the next.

I dont think its a good idea to see it as 'searching' for 'the one' -- as there are many 'ones' -- its more about where 'you' are at in this current moment,....everybody comes into our lives to teach us something -- and then they may move 0n, or not, -- stay a while or not, -- its just the way it goes, -- you have to just let it flow, and not try to grasp onto something you think you should have, or are missing out on...

I think of it this way - we're all a puzzle piece in a puzzle box. There is always a couple of pieces that fit with each one. There is always a puzzle piece in another box, that also fits. There are pieces we TRY to fit together, but it just doesn't work.

I've had my share of breakups, and I've been the one to do the "breaking up". I have a friend right now, who is dating this guy (of about 2 weeks now) and the first thing she said to me was "He's not the guy I'm going to marry." My response to her? Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You're dating right now. You're not engaged. There's no reason to rush it, or your judgement about him - you've just met him.

My boss said something to me once, after I broke off the engagment to my fiancee 2 years ago. He said "All relationships are temporary, nothing is every permanent, and nothing is ever certain." These words have changed the way I look at relationships - my boss has no idea that that statement is the most profound thing I have ever learned about people. Put the Psychology classes aside. Put the heart aside. And Put your brain aside. My Boss, the Yoga Guru, the Single guy with a Cat, the Guy with no expectations, changed it for me.

He's right. Relationships are temporary. Whether they end tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or when Death comes knocking. Life is a lesson we're learning as we go along. The people we meet come into our lives to teach us a lesson. Some stay longer than others, and some never leave.

Relationships are Lessons. We learn from each other, and if it doesn't work, its okay. Because I'm still going to take those lessons I've learned, with me into the next relationship. And So on. There comes a time when you know its time to move on. When its time to leave. And there also comes a time, when you don't leave. When you stay with someone and you know that your lesson isn't finished yet.

Timing is also something I believe is important. It's all about timing. Jason (the finacee) was good for me, at the time that I met him. At the time we started dating, we were good together....but a couple of years later, our hearts were in different places, our lives were in different places. I was just starting mine, and he was ready to settle down.

I don't look at that as a heartbreak - or the end of something. I look at that as a lesson.

- Carrot

Your thread reminded me of this poem.



People come into your life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say
or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON....
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons
: things you must build upon in order to have
a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Unknown Author

I will say that for sure, change is constant, even in a lifetime relationship.
The best you can hope for, is that you change and grow together.
As for Love,when all doubt is gone, and that person is first on your mind when you wake up, and last on your mind when you fall asleep. When the best sound in the world is their laugh,and you find inspiration in their words, and actions, everyday....then you are sure.
It's love.

Wow..Great thread and good question..Im very afraid that Im destined to be alone, I dont know love and I have no clue what my type of woman is, Im not superficial by any means and I do not judge a woman just by her physical image, Ive met many attractive women but have the personality of a wolverine and dumb as a box of hammers and I could not stand to be around somebody like that, I need substance, I need to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation. Ive also met women are a bit heavy and are attractive and are just as nasty and ignorant. Its tough out there meeting new people and Im very envious of the people who are married and are in love because its such a great sight to see. Ive also come to realize that money seems to determine relationships these days and that is also something I do not understand, Money is good but it can get you feeling of companionship and laughter coupled with that special feeling of love..I hope someday I find what Im looking for and Im able to love somebody liie I love them...

reply to post by cmd18B



I'm not trying to go all Zen on you here, so thake this for what it's worth: you'll find her when you stop looking.

wow...so many great and profound replys here...thank you!
yeah mabe you can never be sure and maybe someone should just accept that every person you love is the right one at that moment - even though it is just for a season (i loved reading that poem!). and maybe when your willing to commit to someone forever then this is the right decision too even when it is not forever at the end. maybe we should live more for the moment and enjoy everything we learn from it. And also maybe it is important not to look at LOVE from a too serious and deconstructing point...



[edit on 19-11-2008 by milabb.]

I think people grow old and grey together when they stick by each other's side through thick and thin.... like those old couples I see at Denny's and Village Inn where the old man pulls out the old woman's chair and takes her coat and they hold hands (eyes getting watery)

Originally posted by milabb.
I never opened a thread before and I do not write much on ATS (more the reading-type) but since I could not find an answer here yet I decided to open an own thread about my own specific question:

How do you know if you found the right person to spend your life with?
Is it enough that all the "standard-things" are good like wanting to have kids, having the same hobbies etc etc or does there need to be some kind of a "soul-connection"? A lot of you will say the most important is that you love a person (what of course is true), but I think there are probably a lot of love-levels. How can you ever be sure that there is no bigger love out there for you? or is the answer really "you just know"?

Thank you for your point of views!

YOU DONT IS THE POINT,


its not like how it was before when you like 13 in the 1990s and you can talk about cool bands and stuff and score with chicks. now its like totally diffrent. even all the rich people have to show their hineys just to find chicks. plus i dont know about yall but chicks dont seem as cool as they do when you like 12.


i would be more concerned about sacrificing the computer and attention given to the computer to focus on humanoids.


plus when your out of a job and homeless then it all makes sense, like i got paid today and my grandma is like give me your check. so hopefully she mailed it off but i dont know if she did or not


[edit on 20-11-2008 by raver2005]

reply to post by raver2005


Do not get it - sorry.

reply to post by cmd18B


It`s not always the best thing to be married believe me. You have the best time while searching dude....

I agree, I think that every person has a soul mate. The way to tell? Well, that's more difficult. I think at first it feels a little different, and the trust builds in a different way. You need to accept the other person's attributes, thoughts, opinions, beliefs for what they are and believe that they are always sincere. You need to be sincere with them. There's a spark, of course. For me, I think I have found my soul mate and I realized it when he made me cry after a certain kind of encounter, and I fell asleep in his arms crying but I remember hearing his breathing and feeling his heartbeat and his chest rise and I just knew. For him, he has told me that he has almost of a prophetic feeling that we WILL be together until.. well... the end. You need to trust yourself. That's the hard part for me, the trust.

reply to post by ravenshadow13


that sounds beautiful...it sounds exactly like the things people always say about love when they want to describe it - just perfect. And as much as i love hearing lovestorys like yours yet it puts a lot of pressure on me how it should feel when you love someone. i dont know...
sometimes i also think peole love other people just because they love them so much. dont know if thats enough either.
oh it doesn`t get easier here....;-)