posted on Nov, 18 2008 @ 03:33 AM
I am thrown for a loop. I was caught off guard when I heard that you actually wanted to spend time with me. I could not believe that you are lonely
and I am the one that you want to alleviate that loneliness. You say you are not used to spending your time alone. I thought that is what you wanted.
Don’t you remember how strained our relationship has become through out the years? Have you forgotten all the insults you have hurled at me? don’t
you recall telling me to just leave you alone? Certainly, you remember all the hurtful things you have done to me.
Did you know that I used to pray everyday that your death would be half as miserable as you have made my life? I felt that was the only way you would
ever understand how you made me feel. You have really messed me up. I have needed years of therapy because of you. Years of your emotional abuse has
taken such a toll on me.
You are getting up there in your years and I want to believe that this request is an attempt to help save our almost non existent relationship. But
there is this part of me that wonders what your ulterior motives are. Are there ulterior motives?
Are you wanting to work on repairing what relationship we have left before you die, or are you just thinking of yourself again and only have the goal
of alleviating your own loneliness? Are you doing this for us or you? I wish I could know for sure. I just don’t know if I can get emotionally
I am hesitant to give you the time of day. I am afraid that if I get my hopes up that we will finally be able to work things out, you will just dash
those hopes as soon as you realize I have them. At the same time, what if you really are wanting to work on our relationship? What if somehow you
really have the desire to spend time with me? If that is the case I would be such a hypocrite to choose not to spend time with you and work our
Oh, what to do? Do I come over and risk having my hopes torn to shreds or do I ignore your request and risk your hopes instead? I cant risk your
hopes. If I do and I am wrong I will regret it for life. If I risk my own and I am wrong, I will always regret allowing you the opportunity to kill my
hopes and dreams once more, yet at least I will know I tried.
Some how though, I just cant convince myself that the benefits of trying, out weigh the risks. What will happen if you hurt me again? I don’t know
if I can stand being hurt by you anymore. I gave up trying to fix our relationship long ago. When I walked away, I left the proverbial ball in your
court. I wanted it to be that if the relationship was to ever get fixed you would be the one who has to start it. I wonder if you have started.
Now its up to me to decide what to do. Oh, what to do? I will either risk it all and gain some or risk nothing and lose everything. Either way you
have now put the proverbial ball back in my court and I hate your guts for it.
[edit on 18-11-2008 by gimme_some_truth]