Oh, what to do?

I am thrown for a loop. I was caught off guard when I heard that you actually wanted to spend time with me. I could not believe that you are lonely and I am the one that you want to alleviate that loneliness. You say you are not used to spending your time alone. I thought that is what you wanted. Don’t you remember how strained our relationship has become through out the years? Have you forgotten all the insults you have hurled at me? don’t you recall telling me to just leave you alone? Certainly, you remember all the hurtful things you have done to me.

Did you know that I used to pray everyday that your death would be half as miserable as you have made my life? I felt that was the only way you would ever understand how you made me feel. You have really messed me up. I have needed years of therapy because of you. Years of your emotional abuse has taken such a toll on me.

You are getting up there in your years and I want to believe that this request is an attempt to help save our almost non existent relationship. But there is this part of me that wonders what your ulterior motives are. Are there ulterior motives?

Are you wanting to work on repairing what relationship we have left before you die, or are you just thinking of yourself again and only have the goal of alleviating your own loneliness? Are you doing this for us or you? I wish I could know for sure. I just don’t know if I can get emotionally involved again.

I am hesitant to give you the time of day. I am afraid that if I get my hopes up that we will finally be able to work things out, you will just dash those hopes as soon as you realize I have them. At the same time, what if you really are wanting to work on our relationship? What if somehow you really have the desire to spend time with me? If that is the case I would be such a hypocrite to choose not to spend time with you and work our issues out.

Oh, what to do? Do I come over and risk having my hopes torn to shreds or do I ignore your request and risk your hopes instead? I cant risk your hopes. If I do and I am wrong I will regret it for life. If I risk my own and I am wrong, I will always regret allowing you the opportunity to kill my hopes and dreams once more, yet at least I will know I tried.

Some how though, I just cant convince myself that the benefits of trying, out weigh the risks. What will happen if you hurt me again? I don’t know if I can stand being hurt by you anymore. I gave up trying to fix our relationship long ago. When I walked away, I left the proverbial ball in your court. I wanted it to be that if the relationship was to ever get fixed you would be the one who has to start it. I wonder if you have started.

Now its up to me to decide what to do. Oh, what to do? I will either risk it all and gain some or risk nothing and lose everything. Either way you have now put the proverbial ball back in my court and I hate your guts for it.

[edit on 18-11-2008 by gimme_some_truth]

As always, you are indecisive. Meeker than a mouse, aren't you ?
And yet you've prayed for a most undesirable ending to my life.

The past was not good to us. Does that mean we should give up ? It is
difficult to say honestly what is in your heart, without sounding like a fool.
I try . . but experience quells the ambition at times.

Have I had enough of you ? No, I'm sure I'd like more.

And I'm just asking to see you again. You can always say no. And I'll go.

You hate me for putting the ball back in your court ? What were you doing
with yourself before our latest meeting ? Are you happy about anything ?
I have always been drawn to you like a moth to a flame. I am here again.
Don't ask me why. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's more than love. I do like
your company. And yes, I am getting up there in years. I'd like to see you.

So make up your mind. Something to remember is better than nothing to
remember. Or not.

I am so scared to contact you. I am not sure if I can. Do I even want to? Should I or would I just be wasting my time?

All I could think about lately is when we had a relationship, one day you would hate my guts and never want to see me again, then the next day you would love me to death and tell me that you never meant a word you said. I never believed you when you apologized. I never believed because you always went right back to the same old you.

Now you want me to spend time with you because you are lonely, but once again I doubt your intentions. You say you love me, you say you want to see me, but how can I be sure? How can I be sure with out the risk of doing more damage to my self? I don’t know if I can.

I have thought about going over and sitting with you, I really have. I would love to sit and talk and work out our past issues. I would love to hear what you have to say, I would love for everything to be ok. Yet at the same time I have also contemplated just ignoring your cries for attention just to get back at you. Just to make you feel bad, as you have done to me when I cried out for your love and attention.

The ball is back in my court and I do hate you for putting it there, yet at the same time I love you for it. Your cry for attention may just mean there is hope for us yet. But is that what it means? Can I really be sure? Can either of us really be sure?

I am happy with my life. I have a beautiful family and a wonderful life. Having a loving relationship with you would be one of the few things that could improve my life. Yet I can not shake my doubts. I just can’t help but wonder if you really do care for me. I can’t help but wonder if you will just go right back to your old ways just as you have done over and over in our past.

I just wish there was a way to know for sure what your intentions are without having to risk my own happiness. Finding out that you are still the same as you always have been would make me so unhappy. I want you in my life. But I don’t want the abuse. If only there was a way to be sure.

I want your love and acceptance so badly. But I doubt my own ability to put up with your cold hearted ways. If only I could tell what your true intentions were.

Some may say that something to remember is better than nothing but I am not so sure about that. I wonder, is nothing to remember better than a memory of abuse, hate and misery?

Oh what to do? If only I knew.

[edit on 25-11-2008 by gimme_some_truth]