I am not going to fully explain what I mean by the term "Wanderer". It will resonate if it applies to you.
And from the first time I read this thread it’s gotten to me.
I get a lump in my throat, it stings behind my eyes and my heart hurts.
But I’ve not wanted to talk about it - not because I question being a wanderer, I don’t, I just have such a need to explain it correctly, and I
No matter how many times I write and rewrite it (and I've been trying since you first posted this thread) I can’t explain it.
But I can't sit back any longer and not respond.
I’m not a part of all this *wrong* I see going on around me.
It’s so alien to me, people spending their lives chasing money, the clothes and parties, wanting more and more and more, feeling less, treating
others with hate and disdain, prejudice.
I’m like the Little Match Girl hungry and frozen near unto death out in the night peering through a window onto a family scene of *plenty*.
Yet the food, the golden dishes, the bright fire and merriment I don’t covet.
And I feel no pity for me.
I feel it for them.
When I lived in the USA I wasn’t (nor did I want to be ) a part of anything there.
I left thinking maybe it was just the *place* I could never be a part of.
Yet even here where I moved, eager for *it* to be different, it’s no different at all.
So now I’m just tucked in to wait.
Am I *searching* for something?
No. I’m waiting.
For what I don’t know, but its a wait for something, well, *more*.
Not grandiose, nor do I hold illusions of grandeur, quite the opposite.
I’m just waiting for something more - something, that when it happens, I’ll *know*.
And there wont be that empty place inside anymore.
I’m not sad, or lonely, or in fear at all, just living day to day knowing something crucial is missing.
Something that’s been a long time coming is here, or almost here.
Good or bad I don’t know, but, it wont be indifferent.
And whatever and whenever?
I’ll be right where I’m supposed to be, to do whatever it is needed, or I’m called to do, significant or otherwise.
As for my childhood, (I scored a 95 on the Wanderer test by the way), but as for my childhood I saw *something* in the sky when I was very young.
In another incident when I was older I saw a *man* who shouldn’t have been there, clad in white, tall, with blue eyes and something on his head.
I don’t remember large blocks of my childhood.
I don’t know if those things are important or pertinent, but you included your own experiences, so, I include these.
Now, I can *feel*.
I’ll walk by an area, a turn in the road, an empty house, a part of a room, and I can *feel* what’s there.
Leftover feelings of being lost, and abandoned, no hope.
The residual of something *off*, something that shouldn’t have happened in that spot, a feeling of *wrong* left behind.
Feelings that flash through my head and I can feel in my heart, but I can’t put a finger on or recreate.
Feelings so completely different from any other I’ve had, but that are just as real as feeling hot or cold, happiness or fear, and move through me
But I know these *feelings(?)* I sense will find peace someday, I know that like a promise.
What I’m waiting for, I don’t know.
These feelings? I don’t understand them either.
And when I try to open myself up to both?
What I get back is "Wait, just wait".
So, I wait.
[edit on 6-3-2009 by silo13]