The Haunting

It's been three years since the break up. But it happened yesterday.

Some say it takes half the time you were together to go through the five stages of grief, and to fully recover. Well I just reached the half way mark.

And I am finally done denying it happened!! But I am not going to accept it either! I have been angry for a while now; bitter in the heart. I don't want to fall into a depression over this, what good will that bring? Maybe there is something I can do instead? Something I can bargain to fix this!? Maybe it's not too late to change this?

It's been three years now, and every time I hit five I start back at one.

The last part of the process is Acceptance they say. Why is it every time I reach this last and final stage, I still have to go to sleep to dream? Why does every dream have to be about her? Doesn't my dreaming self know that I reached stage five already!? Why do I have to revisit the stages all over again at night, as if I didn't put in the work during the day.. I am tired of this, but I can't go to sleep to dream. It's like I have to heal two sides of myself. I am being haunted by the memory. Who do I call?

I don't know if you really want a reply to this, but I've been noticing you more today than usual...like I can hear you talking...so here goes...tell me to shut up if this isn't appropriate....although I suspect you're too sweet to do that.

Having been there and done that...my suggestion would be to let the anger become creative and not bitter...anger will do that so easily if you let it. Anger doesn't have to be miserable, and can be a phenomenal fuel. You also sound like you could do with some *serious* cord cutting...maybe you already know the person who could help you with that. All you have to do is ask and they will be more than willing to do the work you need. Someone you know who can have integrity about this. Maybe you are dreaming and re-dreaming simply because the cords are still there so strongly.

Here's to your rapid healing...

Cait x

Originally posted by caitlinfae
I don't know if you really want a reply to this

I do. Your thoughts are more then welcomed I know my post came off more like a rant, I just kinda let the words flow.. But I was wanting suggestions and advice and such

I guess all I was trying to say was that I don't feel like my progression is very progressive I feel like it's a back and forth struggle. I make progress, only to lose it.

Having been there and done that...my suggestion would be to let the anger become creative and not bitter...anger will do that so easily if you let it. Anger doesn't have to be miserable, and can be a phenomenal fuel.

Use the emotion to create? I think I have halfassed been trying to put anger to a better use. Ive done this to an extent over the past couple years. It's been hard to feel that motivation though. Concerning this part of me anyways. I shouldn't let the anger dwell inside me, and make me jaded, you're right. Any suggestions on how to express the 'anger' part more creatively?

You also sound like you could do with some *serious* cord cutting...

I need something serious. I'm not denying that much *sigh*. But what do you mean by cord cutting? I have some ideas as to what you mean, but I figure I'll just ask instead

Maybe you are dreaming and re-dreaming simply because the cords are still there so strongly.

So do you mean on a more spiritual level, or something more literal?

Here's to your rapid healing...

Thanks That would be a refreshing change...

Ok...glad you are ok with this...will post a bit more and U2U me if you want to keep it off the boards.

The anger thing is really important...try to see it as pure energy, that you can use for anything you wish. It gets a little esoteric sometimes....but try shifting it into the rest of you life, visualise it as a physical fuel that will transmute when you find the right vehicle for it....make it your career, your art, your writing...and keep in your mind that as you use it up, it shifts from negative to positive. Give it a job to do and make it work for you...this means you can be as angry as you feel you need to be, and still have a postive result.

The cord cutting thing...that's about the energetic links or cords that connect us with others...created by emotion and attachment, sometimes they really need to be severed properly and the gap they leave allowed to heal, or they will always regrow, and drain us further. They also let others control us to a certain extent, even unknowingly. Again, it's a good idea to get a little help with this from someone who understands the process, if you can find them. I'm sure that you know someone, although you maybe haven't had this conversation with them. Sometimes too, we regrow the cords ourselves because we don't want to let go, and these can be the hardest to get rid of. It could be completely energetic, and spiritual, or it could be that you still have some physical things of hers around you that you don't want ot let go of. Either way, it has to go.

*cuddle*

Cait x

reply to post by Lucid Lunacy


I know this is going to sound odd but you need to change your neuro pathways. Your heart has taken over your thinking.

I was with someone for many years and we built an incredible life together, then suddenly it was over. I suffered with my own heart for a couple of years until one morning I woke and had an urge to do something that in my right mind I would not. I went for an adrenaline rush.

Being afraid of speed and heights I got into my car drove to Six Flags and got onto a roller coaster. My knees were shaking the whole time in line, my heart was in my throat as I postioned myself in what seemed like a flimsy tin can that could leave the rails at any time, felt the ride start and wanted off immediatley...too late. I screamed for the whole ride. When the ride stopped I was crying and laughing at the same time. I never longed for him after that.

I know it sounds strange but conquering a fear or two helped me get over the longing and rejection I felt. I continually move forward now, conquering one fear after another. Relationships are all about feeling safe and secure..I never play it safe anymore.

Human beings were designed to have exactly one intimate partner, of the other gender, within the bonds of Sacramental Matrimony, during life. They were designed to be together physically, with the one intimate partner they were designed to have.

The decision Nature Herself gave to man and woman, was WHO one might choose to marry. In the beginning, long before law wrought of the corrupt hearts, perverse minds, and mischievous hands of man; The Physical Law of Marriage was written biologically within the Caucasian female.

Every part of Nature adores The Chaste Virgin, as she walks in her Father's Garden of Innocence, naked and unashamed.

When she is mature, and ready to bear children, her lover beholds from a distance the beauty so breathtaking, and innocence so pure, surely she must have The Blood Sacrifice of Innocence, to atone for accursedness in his seed.

He places her need for security and commitment, above his own base instinct, elevating person-hood above passion, making true equality between her and himself, loving her more than he loves his own body.

When a man loves a woman more than he loves himself, he sees her with purity of heart. Erotic experience always holds the promise of A Gift From God, in the image of God, man, and virgin.

To possess beauty slays one's self; For beauty longs to be free, to create more beauty. He who clenches his fist, of lust to control and dominate, to possess the beauty, so that he can partake of her pleasures, according to his own will; turns beauty into the poison of bitterness.

When the virgin is pierced, blood and water are released. The water from the virgin consecrates her marriage bed, for Creation of new blessed life, in her holy and chaste womb.

The blood from the virgin seals the blood covenant of marriage, between God, Who gave the virgin her atonement sacrifice, and sealed it safely within her; The virgin's bridegroom, who pierces her, ready to release his invading army, an army by which she willingly consents to conceive; as she lays supine, the position of surrender, And the virgin, whose blood sacrifice of innocence atones for accursedness in man's seed.

The virgin's blood sacrifice indicates she belongs to the man; not as ownership, but as one's heart belongs to another. He gives his bride his most prized possession, as a wedding gift: his name. She gives her bridegroom her most precious gift: Her blood sacrifice of innocence.

If the two are physically separated, one human death must occur to atone for violating Natures words to young lovers, 'Until death you shall not part'. Nature cannot forgive. Natural Law is fixed. So Nature is not made a liar, for having said, 'Until death you shall not part', someone needs to die, if the couple is physically separated, against the will of the husband.

This person doesn't need to be either of the lovers. It can be one of the children born of either one, even in the future. In modern times, chemical agents have been devised, to keep the physical body from terminating itself, killing the soul instead.

This creates the undead; physical bodies roaming the earth, to fulfill the prophecy: When Hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth. If you could see, you would notice about half of all humans have black rings around their eyes. Those are the undead.

But you won't be able to see, until you confess sin, seek absolution, and receive Holy Eucharist: The Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity, of Jesus Christ: The Immutable Source of ALL Power.

Forgiveness, from He Who has Authority to Forgive sin, will set you free from your spiritual bondage. For this reason I have come: So you might have everlasting life.

Copyright 2008 by SwanSword.
All Rights Reserved.
Permission is granted for publication on the ATS/BTS forums.

[edit on 9-11-2008 by SwanSword]

All I can say is WOW, she must have been an amazing woman to leave such mark. Regardless of what happened to end the relationship she MUST be a very wonderful gal or no mark would have been left at all.

It's not a weakness to love so hard and so completely...not at all. I went round and round for 8 years with my former gent. An eye opening and revealing time for me personally. I could never regret it even though it ended and a bit badly. Positives came of it. how could nothing be positive from love? Oh yeah there's bad times, but the good times are so easily forgotten about until it's too late to really appreciate them. After thought and after the fact...it sucks but what can you do?

And yes, it did often feel that for every bounding step forward I had to take five back. Just to recollect and move ahead again.

Doesn't sound as though you're in danger of wallowing in the despair of self pity - you actually sound like you are progressing at a pace that is perfectly acceptable for you. Any other way and it would be forced and you wouldn't be dealing with it the way you need too.

She was very lucky to have had the opportunity to meet someone who could give as much of themselves as you do, I doubt it went unrecognized. perhaps under appreciated (on both parts) but not unrecognized.


I firmly believe we meet people for a reason, we embrace people for a reason and we reject people for a reason.

We are always learning and growing, and sometimes it seems as though we shrink a bit...

It'll get better when it's meant to and when you are ready to handle it. As usually happens it's when we personally feel the LEAST able to handle it...test of metal me thinks

Was a nice post, and less depressing than you might think. You have great insight into yourself and that is and should always be a bright spot for you and for people who know you.

Here's to year three and further growth!!

Relationships my friend are tricky. In relationships in which you really care it does take time to surpass what has been thrown at you. Breakups really have one main stage and that is the "It Sucks" stage. It is hard to get back out there and try to be brave and continue onward when we think we've got it figured out already.

Take your time getting over it. Invest your time in other things that hold meaning as relationships aren't everything even though at times it feels they are. Make someone smile today, laugh with a friend it is all therapy.

I wrote about my entire experience in journals. From those journals I wrote poems about the whole thing in order that they occurred. I went out to a nursing home that a friend manages and played acoustic guitar with songs from the poems themselves for the residences. I suppose that is how I stepped forward from grief.

Dreams themselves are tricky, write them down and as others have said make works of art from them. Don't let a failed relationship turn you bitter and I suspect that is against your nature.

Peace and Blessings,
Too chaos

reply to post by Lucid Lunacy

And I am finally done denying it happened!! But I am not going to accept it either!

I'm sorry, but I'm not clear on this. Are you saying you won't accept it or that you can't accept it?

If you can't accept it then you are dealing with a whole other kettle of fish.

If you won't accept it then you are going to repeat the cycle over and over and over.

[edit on 2/12/2008 by Good Wolf]

reply to post by Lucid Lunacy

Hello Lucid.

Sorry about that. People's words don't always help, but they try. As I'd like to:
I met my first love in 1982. I was 19, she was 16. (you could see the problem there...)
But her parents LOVED me! (They just wouldn't leave her unsupervised with me at all)...
No problem, we were both virgins, families attended church together, I was very patient, she was worth any wait...
A year-and-a-half later, she turned 18.
Shortly later, we went on a long-planned vacation together, just her & I...

She was definitely worth the wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were inseperable. Talked about marriage & kids...

THEN, she was in a head-on car crash with a garbage truck...

Dead on scene, but revived...

Mangled & crippled in a wheelchair for life, barely functioning...

I spent time hanging out with her, hoping for a miracle, but nothing would return my sweetest...

Went on a drunken motorcycle bender for two years, crying to death...

Our families wanted me back, too... I was at the brink, the edge, you-know.

They said it killed them, too, but it's also killing them to see ME not able to return to normal, either!

Guess I was lucky, with so many family, friends, and loving people around me to make me see...

When I sobered up, guess I was lucky too, in that so many of her 'hot' friends seemed to wanna make me "FEEEEEEL" better...Oh they were good...

But my brothers and my closest buddies wanted me back camping, snow-mobiling, sport shooting, going out, and told me they were sick of my whining & crying, to forgive, move on, take-up with one of her friends, whatever, life goes on! And it did!

You're right, it takes time... but don't take TOO much...ya know? Because if I had, I wouldn't be here to even write this, I would'a been gone long ago!

Your friend,

FRIGHTENER.

I am being haunted by the memory. Who do I call?

Your local stripclub...(to remind you that she isn't the only woman on Earth)

Then get back in the game....

Seriously though, find something else to focus on, whether friends, career, family, etc. and do that for a bit... Time is a remarkable tool for mending wounds...as is getting your mind off it...