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Jokes from my work *warning alittle profanity*
page: 11
share:
some of these really gave me a chuckle so i thought id share em with you all arnt i a nice guy ? :shk:
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event.
But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons.
During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few seconds the parrot squawked kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "David , how should I correct that?"
David replied, "Maybe get a better boyfriend?"
All he asked for was a little goodnight kiss, but she rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
..... "Well," he replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"
"Miss Valentine, I was just going over this letter you wrote. Your typing is definitely improving. I see that there are only six mistakes here."
"Why thank you, sir. I do feel as though I am getting better at this part of my job."
"Now then, let's take a look at the second line."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event.
But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons.
During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general yelled, "Fire at Will!"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few seconds the parrot squawked kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "David , how should I correct that?"
David replied, "Maybe get a better boyfriend?"
All he asked for was a little goodnight kiss, but she rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"
..... "Well," he replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"
"Miss Valentine, I was just going over this letter you wrote. Your typing is definitely improving. I see that there are only six mistakes here."
"Why thank you, sir. I do feel as though I am getting better at this part of my job."
"Now then, let's take a look at the second line."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
gotta live in Mt isa i guess to understand the next joke .. take my word for it .. its bloody hot !!!!
August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa , Queensland !!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah
It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat #.
I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.
Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f*ckin place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f*ckin throttle him.
F*ckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f*ckin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my f*ckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f*ckin arse.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a f*ckin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f*ckin sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f*ckin pool.
Even the palms can't live in this f*ckin heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f*cker.
F*ck Mount Isa ! What kind of a sick demented f*ckin idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*ckin kiddin
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in Bass Strait, East Queensland Shale Fields, Canning Basin, Perth Basin and the North West Continental Shelf.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!
Any Questions ??? NO? I didn't Think So.
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh hells bells no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?' ' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise ' Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?' The doctor replies ' Denephew '
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew DA elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 pounds a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 pounds a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew DA elastic on DA knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter'.
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa , Queensland !!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah
It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat #.
I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell.
The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.
Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f*ckin place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f*ckin throttle him.
F*ckin heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f*ckin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my f*ckin arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f*ckin arse.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a f*ckin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f*ckin sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f*ckin pool.
Even the palms can't live in this f*ckin heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f*cker.
F*ck Mount Isa ! What kind of a sick demented f*ckin idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*ckin kiddin
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in Bass Strait, East Queensland Shale Fields, Canning Basin, Perth Basin and the North West Continental Shelf.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!
Any Questions ??? NO? I didn't Think So.
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh hells bells no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?' ' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise ' Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?' The doctor replies ' Denephew '
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew DA elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 pounds a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 pounds a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew DA elastic on DA knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter'.
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
Originally posted by Demandred
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
so funny, i thank you for this and will hope you find more
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese
sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your
crose.' The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again
the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she
did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?' Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied
'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese
sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your
crose.' The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again
the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she
did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?' Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied
'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock Building Society in the UK, uncertainty has now hit
Japan .
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally
miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And, just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Police are taking a prisoner to jail when the police cruiser is involved in an accident.
The prisoner escapes from the wreckage and runs away across the playground of a kindergarten.
As he's running, he shouts, "I'm free! I'm free!"
One of the children watching him shouts back, "Big deal. I'm four!"
Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch bill.
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
When my four year old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid.
I bought him a tank.
It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days.
It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride.
Instead, after hours of assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came in.
It taught me a valuable lesson.
Next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar.
The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
"Only the dead have seen the end of war." - Plato
Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bowlegged.
She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God," said the bride.
"He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years.... I thought he meant his money!!"
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."
Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."
The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend.
The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said..."Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection box, I will reveal his name.
Later, as he counted the money he found 50 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown.
A minister opening his mail one morning takes a sheet of paper from an envelope and finds written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announces, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their names.
But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And, just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Police are taking a prisoner to jail when the police cruiser is involved in an accident.
The prisoner escapes from the wreckage and runs away across the playground of a kindergarten.
As he's running, he shouts, "I'm free! I'm free!"
One of the children watching him shouts back, "Big deal. I'm four!"
Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch bill.
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
When my four year old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and found a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid.
I bought him a tank.
It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days.
It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride.
Instead, after hours of assembly on my part, he ended up played in the box it came in.
It taught me a valuable lesson.
Next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar.
The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
"Only the dead have seen the end of war." - Plato
Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bowlegged.
She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."
"Oh my God," said the bride.
"He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years.... I thought he meant his money!!"
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."
Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."
The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend.
The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said..."Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection box, I will reveal his name.
Later, as he counted the money he found 50 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown.
A minister opening his mail one morning takes a sheet of paper from an envelope and finds written on it only one word: "FOOL."
The next Sunday he announces, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their names.
But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
A woman had gained a few pounds.
It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look
like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS."
It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher.
He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that he was a hell of a gambler.
He warned her that Little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, she assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, Little Johnny's father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well," she said, "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"Little Johnny absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said, "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" His father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would have your pants down before the day was over!"
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.
He even kept a log of the "conversation"...
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door
neighbour.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's a coincidence," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look
like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS."
It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher.
He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that he was a hell of a gambler.
He warned her that Little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, she assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, Little Johnny's father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well," she said, "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"Little Johnny absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said, "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" His father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would have your pants down before the day was over!"
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.
He even kept a log of the "conversation"...
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door
neighbour.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's a coincidence," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise
her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.
"You got that right ... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it was marked down."
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A man drove his secretary home from a late afternoon get-together of coworkers because she was drunk and unable to drive.
Since nothing happened along the way between the two, the man decided not to mention the secretary to his wife.
Later that evening while the man was taking the wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.
So, he asked her to watch out her window for a parking spot close to the theater.
While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
When they arrived at the theater and were about ready to get out of the car, his wife asked, "Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?
"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." - Doris Day
John was grocery shopping with Jill, and he tossed a bag of chips into the cart. "You don't need those!" Jill chided.
"What about those twenty chocolate bars you have in there?" John asked.
"IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!" screamed Jill.
"Of course, Honey!", replied John, as he took out the bag of chips and piled a double handful more chocolate bars into
the cart.
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday.
She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.
The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''
My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "Sometimes I get it wrong too. Just give it a try, couldn't you?"
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a voice said, "He's not a very friendly bear. Let's go to the secret frequency!"
None of them knew what the secret frequency was, so they went to sleep.
But the British Government is still trying to find it.
"Computers can now keep a man's every transgression recorded in a permanent memory bank, duplicating with complex programming and intricate wiring a feat his wife handles quite well without fuss or fanfare." - Lane Olinghouse
The 7 Dwarfs went to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they were immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy lead the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' said the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asked, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.
Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.
Grumpy turned back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turned back and said, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions said, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.
"You got that right ... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it was marked down."
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A man drove his secretary home from a late afternoon get-together of coworkers because she was drunk and unable to drive.
Since nothing happened along the way between the two, the man decided not to mention the secretary to his wife.
Later that evening while the man was taking the wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.
So, he asked her to watch out her window for a parking spot close to the theater.
While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
When they arrived at the theater and were about ready to get out of the car, his wife asked, "Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?
"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." - Doris Day
John was grocery shopping with Jill, and he tossed a bag of chips into the cart. "You don't need those!" Jill chided.
"What about those twenty chocolate bars you have in there?" John asked.
"IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!" screamed Jill.
"Of course, Honey!", replied John, as he took out the bag of chips and piled a double handful more chocolate bars into
the cart.
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday.
She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.
The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''
My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "Sometimes I get it wrong too. Just give it a try, couldn't you?"
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a voice said, "He's not a very friendly bear. Let's go to the secret frequency!"
None of them knew what the secret frequency was, so they went to sleep.
But the British Government is still trying to find it.
"Computers can now keep a man's every transgression recorded in a permanent memory bank, duplicating with complex programming and intricate wiring a feat his wife handles quite well without fuss or fanfare." - Lane Olinghouse
The 7 Dwarfs went to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they were immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy lead the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' said the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asked, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.
Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.
Grumpy turned back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turned back and said, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions said, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends." the girl told her maiden Aunt.
"Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
One morning the door-bell rang.
The weather was very bad. It was raining cats and dogs.
I opened the door and there stood a young lady, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet.
I felt sorry for her and invited her in the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off a little.
As we were drinking our coffee, I asked what her ' happy message ' was.
I thought we might discuss some minor or major differences of believes or interpretation, but, she stuttered and said:
...."I'm not sure....I never got this far before...!"
Tom had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?"
Five small and sad voices answered in unison.
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied.
"But I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."
Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves.
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams ~
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.
At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethoscope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be.
Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, okay,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
mom wants to talk to you.'
A professor at the University of Tasmania was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'About 15 students raise their hands. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Billy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big bushy redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Billy replied, 'Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats'!
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends." the girl told her maiden Aunt.
"Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
One morning the door-bell rang.
The weather was very bad. It was raining cats and dogs.
I opened the door and there stood a young lady, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet.
I felt sorry for her and invited her in the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off a little.
As we were drinking our coffee, I asked what her ' happy message ' was.
I thought we might discuss some minor or major differences of believes or interpretation, but, she stuttered and said:
...."I'm not sure....I never got this far before...!"
Tom had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?"
Five small and sad voices answered in unison.
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch.
"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied.
"But I broke him of the habit."
"Really, how?" asked the first woman.
"Easy, I hid his teeth."
Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves.
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams ~
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.
At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethoscope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be.
Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, okay,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
mom wants to talk to you.'
A professor at the University of Tasmania was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'About 15 students raise their hands. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Billy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The big bushy redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Billy replied, 'Shiiiiit! , from way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats'!
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart.
To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.
"What is 12x11?"
"120?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"
"25?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"
The blonde ventured "4?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired,"did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the womans face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, boasting.
" Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you, and taking pictures."
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Siamese twins walk into a pub in the Isa and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Victoria Bitters, draft please'. The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to America next month,' says John. 'We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, America!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that Yankee crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & V.B. beer, that's us, he Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so
arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to America?' asks the barkeeper.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player." "So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend."I send him to our room!"
While at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was. He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions.
"What is 12x11?"
"120?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?"
"25?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?"
The blonde ventured "4?"
The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!"
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired,"did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the womans face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, boasting.
" Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you, and taking pictures."
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had!
But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Siamese twins walk into a pub in the Isa and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Victoria Bitters, draft please'. The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to America next month,' says John. 'We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, America!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that Yankee crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & V.B. beer, that's us, he Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so
arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to America?' asks the barkeeper.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player." "So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend."I send him to our room!"
While at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was. He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.
"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
"I bet you think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," chided one man to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second.
"First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."
Interesting Facts
1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is "Das Beste oder Nichts" meaning "the best or nothing".
6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
12. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
13. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to
find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "Your requirements, please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "Hmmmm, I think I understand. You need a television."
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical.
The nurse starts with the basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"Oh, 'bout 85 kg.." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 103.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, 'bout 81 cm.," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 74 cm.
She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
"I'll say." replied the second.
"First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."
Interesting Facts
1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is "Das Beste oder Nichts" meaning "the best or nothing".
6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
8. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
12. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.
13. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to
find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "Your requirements, please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "Hmmmm, I think I understand. You need a television."
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical.
The nurse starts with the basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"Oh, 'bout 85 kg.." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 103.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, 'bout 81 cm.," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 74 cm.
She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "All right, take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
Joe walked into his wife's room one day.
"If I were disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't hug you any more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Joe went on, "If I wasn't making six figures any more, would you still love
me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Joe, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but I would really miss you."
Danny said, "I wonder if it's really bad luck to have a black cat cross your path."
Jillian said, "That would depend on whether you're a man or a mouse."
My Uncle Jesse was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, ladies and gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a 4 litres of whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way did you fire it?"
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money.
At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in North West Queensland and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store.
He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I surely do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a 3?"
"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip." ~ Unknown ~
A Blonde was shopping at K-Mart, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the Blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . .. it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The Blonde replied, "Two icecreams and some coffee."
My friend Valerie, her husband, Carl, and her mother were on a shopping tour of Hong Kong. There was a microwave oven on a shelf over the refrigerator in their hotel room, so they bought some muffins to eat for breakfast the next morning. Valerie opened the microwave, put the muffins inside, closed the door and pushed the button. Nothing happened. So Carl picked up the booklet next to the microwave and began reading the instructions out loud. Again Valerie pushed the correct button, but nothing happened. Carl picked up the booklet again and realized suddenly that no matter how many times they pushed the button, the microwave wasn't going to work. The safe now protectively held their muffins.
I was taking money out at the ATM the other day when an old lady came up to me and asked, "Would you mind checking my balance for me?" So I pushed her and she fell over.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "All right, take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
Joe walked into his wife's room one day.
"If I were disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't hug you any more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Joe went on, "If I wasn't making six figures any more, would you still love
me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Joe, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but I would really miss you."
Danny said, "I wonder if it's really bad luck to have a black cat cross your path."
Jillian said, "That would depend on whether you're a man or a mouse."
My Uncle Jesse was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, ladies and gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a 4 litres of whiskey he would sell it?"
He was acquitted.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way did you fire it?"
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money.
At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in North West Queensland and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store.
He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I surely do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a 3?"
"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip." ~ Unknown ~
A Blonde was shopping at K-Mart, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the Blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . .. it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The Blonde replied, "Two icecreams and some coffee."
My friend Valerie, her husband, Carl, and her mother were on a shopping tour of Hong Kong. There was a microwave oven on a shelf over the refrigerator in their hotel room, so they bought some muffins to eat for breakfast the next morning. Valerie opened the microwave, put the muffins inside, closed the door and pushed the button. Nothing happened. So Carl picked up the booklet next to the microwave and began reading the instructions out loud. Again Valerie pushed the correct button, but nothing happened. Carl picked up the booklet again and realized suddenly that no matter how many times they pushed the button, the microwave wasn't going to work. The safe now protectively held their muffins.
I was taking money out at the ATM the other day when an old lady came up to me and asked, "Would you mind checking my balance for me?" So I pushed her and she fell over.
reply to post by Demandred
Thats pure evil.... BWAHAHAHA
Thanks for the laughs!! s&f for content
Cheers, Fox.
"I was taking money out at the ATM the other day when an old lady came up to me and asked, "Would you mind checking my balance for me?" So I pushed her and she fell over."
Thats pure evil.... BWAHAHAHA
Thanks for the laughs!! s&f for content
Cheers, Fox.
i got some others but ill need to upload pics for em... because i do this at work ill have to wait till this afternoon
reply to post by Demandred
why don't you leave mount isa if is so horrible, I mean life is so short and
the mining industry is booming in other towns.
why don't you leave mount isa if is so horrible, I mean life is so short and
the mining industry is booming in other towns.
why is it, that a womans top speed is 68 miles per hour? well, because if she goes 69 she blows a gasket.
GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
*************************
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
*************************
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'
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