posted on Oct, 22 2008 @ 01:04 AM
"I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale," Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise
her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.
"You got that right ... I almost bought their elevator 'cause it was marked down."
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
A man drove his secretary home from a late afternoon get-together of coworkers because she was drunk and unable to drive.
Since nothing happened along the way between the two, the man decided not to mention the secretary to his wife.
Later that evening while the man was taking the wife to a movie, he noticed a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.
So, he asked her to watch out her window for a parking spot close to the theater.
While she was busy looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
When they arrived at the theater and were about ready to get out of the car, his wife asked, "Sweetie, have you seen my other shoe?
"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." - Doris Day
John was grocery shopping with Jill, and he tossed a bag of chips into the cart. "You don't need those!" Jill chided.
"What about those twenty chocolate bars you have in there?" John asked.
"IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!" screamed Jill.
"Of course, Honey!", replied John, as he took out the bag of chips and piled a double handful more chocolate bars into
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
I had a minor medical problem so my doctor referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday.
She is absolutely gorgeous and unbelievably sexy.
The first thing she told me is that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why she said, ''Because I'm trying to examine you.......''
My mama always said we were put on this earth to help others.
My question is, what are the others here for?
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "Sometimes I get it wrong too. Just give it a try, couldn't you?"
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio
When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.
Then a voice said, "He's not a very friendly bear. Let's go to the secret frequency!"
None of them knew what the secret frequency was, so they went to sleep.
But the British Government is still trying to find it.
"Computers can now keep a man's every transgression recorded in a permanent memory bank, duplicating with complex programming and intricate wiring a
feat his wife handles quite well without fuss or fanfare." - Lane Olinghouse
The 7 Dwarfs went to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they were immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy lead the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' said the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asked, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.
Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.
Grumpy turned back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turned back and said, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions said, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
[edit on 22-10-2008 by Demandred]