Here it is, I am a 20 something year old white female, I have a job in a professional field, married, on the appearance, I seem normal. That takes some effort to maintain. Here's my issue:

Ever-since I can remember, I have litterally THRIVED on chaos. I actually need it to feel whole, or just to FEEL in general. To elaborate, I'll use something recent, The recent stock crash, I sat, I watched, litterally laughing as it plumetted. Even as they were giving examples of the wide spread pain it would inflict, I wanted it to crash lower and lower.


I revel in the thought that, one wonderful day, we will wake up, and revolt against this machine we have breathed life into. Even if that brings the 'inevitable end' we always hear so much about. It would litterally bring a smile to my face to sit on top of the devastation and ride the flaming carcas all the way to the ground as it crumbled underneath.

I have even played with the thought, that I could be the anti-christ,though it cannot be so, as I lack the political platform,but, imagine thinking that about yourself for just a moment.

So, my question, does this make me evil? . . . . Maybe I am just a jilted tax payer, thoughts?

Chaos and evil are far from being the same thing. It sounds to me like you just are a normal person. Everyone secretly gets off on the chaotic, morbid bits of life. And you are certainly not the anti-christ. That was like, Caesar, or something.

lol I don't think your evil and I definatly don't think your the Antichrist. Although I wasn't too happy to see the stock market plunge to each his/her own.

I think it's alright to think this way. It's free thought, isn't it (if there is such a term)? Also, I think the word "saddist" comes to mind.

I too often relish the day when something huge will happen. Perhaps in chaotic times, you will find purpose? Something to awaken your mind and body.. to make a stand or to finally attain power? Just my two cents.

That's not evil, that's just human nature....wait, that probably didn't come off right.

It sounds similar to George Carlin, you should see some of his comedy, he has a lot of jokes about enjoying natural disasters and that kind of thing. But in order to answer the question, what is evil? Hard to say, there's more to being a good person than being a "good person".

"I think it's certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess... I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence... it's fun. It's interesting. It's exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That's why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that've been going on, I f'ing love 'em. I can't get enough of them. Ah, when nature's going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I'm a happy f'ing guy. I'm a happy f'ing guy. I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks me in the head and kicks me in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV... don't you hope it spreads? Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don't root for the firemen do you? I mean I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don't want them to put out my fire. That's my fire - that's nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! Aren't they great? Like clockwork, spring floods in the Midwest. Now I'm starting to notice... I'm starting to catch on, that every year... it's the same story. Another flood, in the same place, with the same people, on the same river- SAME f'ing PEOPLE! And these people do not move, they will not #ing move! They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same #ing house on the flood plain, next to the river, and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream with the parakeet on her head! Fourth time, again, fourth #ing time. There's no learning curve with these people. It's very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year - same people, same rowboats! Out there paddling around... rescuing a chicken. What the # kind of a life is that? "Well our kids love it here...? Oh really, what do they got, gills? And while they're showing all that action on the screen, the announcer's saying to me "It's been raining steadily for three months now, the ground can't any more water... The river is cresting higher than it has it two centuries, the levees have washed away...? And I just hope it keeps raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and it rains steadily for five years... and then after that, for ten years it's cloudy. With occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks! It becomes a completely new river, and the borders of three states have to be changed, and all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted... and no one's couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down there's always that little "Squish...? "Dan, Linda, come on in you guys, have a seat" - "Squish!" "Squish!" I like that. I'm an interesting guy. "

Good 'ol George Carlin.

[edit on 6-10-2008 by ghaleon12]

The Greatest "Evil" people actually think they are the "good guys". They pride themselves on this false and self absorbed (false) selfrightousness.

Most Christians are eviler then you.

Such "Anti-Christ"s would NEVER assume to think of themselves as such. They are simply believing in a self induced religion that disregards the "Christ" platform, or assumes to be such.

Though I don't suport your assumption of understanding that society is a "machine we built", as I understand the world to be exactly as it should be at this time because we're within a story where the heros are not those that assume themselves to be white or light or right, however yours is a common and limited visioned misperception.

The crashing societial structure, "the tower", is a wonder to behold. Understanding, having your head out of your rearend, enough to know there is something better and that there is something wrong alows for one to enjoy those that falsely assumed to be "king of the hill" in their actions fools ridding their white horses to their own demise.

[edit on 6-10-2008 by Incarnated]

Please, most people thrive on this kinda stuff on some level, concious or unconcious. Its just like gosip and drama, people seem to like those things. Sort of like how people enjoy action movies, but in real life its even better! It's human nature, all are working on the same software.



[edit on 6-10-2008 by ghaleon12]

You are right, you are evil. You probably want to get rid of government because it's so non-chaotic. The economy-you laugh when it begins to fail because it was too structured and controlling to begin with. Churches definitely need some evil influence on them so that the people will stop being so good all the time. Wait a second...no government, no economy, no churches-what would all the hypocrites, war mongerers, thieves, hoarders, liars, and scum of the earth do then? On a second thought let's issue in the new structured, non-chaotic new world order and be little angels.

i don't believe you to be evil, though i really don't have any other information given to me other than your original post so i'm really running off of speculation and assumption.

the fact that you questioned where you stand on the side of the line between good and evil would suggest that you probably have a foot on either side. you are aware that those thoughts are negative yet you still retain your "normal" life, which suggests you wish to have some sort of order after all.

i think really it may come down to you may have just found yourself in a rut and experiencing a particular lack of excitement at this point in your life and the thrill you get from the thoughts of random turmoil are sort of your fix, but no, i don't think you are evil.

i do think maybe you should take up a moderately aggressive hobby though. like maybe some sort of martial art or vigorous exercise. or you could go extreme and learn the art of full contact mime. (beret and stripey shirt not included)

I think you're fragile. Smart. Unchallenged. Do what is right long enough for you to see your path. You are feeling helpless because you are not working towards your potential. Be the change. Understand the motivations of your thoughts. Being a parent heightens awareness, so be aware of deeper perspectives. They are not here to confuse you, think of them as new letters to an alphabet you're supposed to learn. Find your own version of perfect, and challenge your integrity to uphold the sanctity of such integrity. You will be fine in due time. Be patient. be tolerant. Be altruistic. You will be fine in due time.

My .02

AAC

Hmm, sounds to me that you REALLY haven't thought about a true collapse of the system.

Sounds to me that you hate the monotony in your life and you're just wanting an excuse to get out of your boring life. Yeah, the idea of a GREATER DEPRESSION might sound romantic, but let me ask you how awesome you really think this could be and then you can make a better determination of whether or not you are evil. For instance:

Do you relish the thought of family members of yours slowly dying of starvation?
What do you plan to do for food?
Do you enjoy the thought of thousands of children dying?
Do you enjoy the thought of losing most of your personal luxuries?
What about the sick/elderly who cannot get medical care?
Anarchy, looting, senseless violence, rape, theft, abuse?
Martial Law?
Foreign invasion? What languages are you fluent in?
How good of shape are you in, because you certainly won't be driving anywhere?
If you relish this anarchy, then how are you going to cope with the boredom of "down days"?
Who's going to put fires out if they is an emergency?
What do you have to barter with for things you need? Once that stuff is gone, then what? Got condoms?
What happens if you cut your hand trying to open a can of Spam? Ever seen gangrene?

I think you get my drift. Collapse of the system isn't a cool thing. It creates VERY harsh living conditions like we see in videos of Eastern Europe and Africa. Does that REALLY strike your fancy? Again, I think you just need to re-valuate your life and find something more constructive to break the monotony that you apparently find yourself in. You're looking for escape and this really isn't the answer. No offense.