reply to post by DimensionalDetective
A very sad story indeed !
I was in a physically and psychologically abusive relationship myself for a very long time (21yrs). I am by nature a very gentle person and will avoid
all forms of confrontation whenever possible, so violence was a totally alien concept to me prior to my marriage.
And anyone who has never been in such a situation will be thinking 'why the hell didn't you just walk away' ?
But those who have been or still are in this situation will know that the answer is a simple one ... 'pure fear' !
And please don't mistake 'pure fear' for the same thing as being 'frightened' ... 'pure fear' is something that resonates at the deepest core
of your being and reacts on every cell of your body.
Abuser's all seem to follow a similar and very subtle pattern which begins with isolating you as much as possible from friends and family. They are
always controlling and in the majority of cases they can go from being affectionate to violent in the blink of a black-eye.
Over time they chip away at your self-esteem and confidence ... so that you genuinely start to believe you are responsible for making them angry
because you are so damn stupid.
Once you've reached this stage you are pretty much in their grip ... but it is so subtle that you haven't even noticed it's happened.
And of course still being the intelligent person that you are deep down, you know that you shouldn't be allowing this to happen ... so you are more
often than not, far too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone about the things that are going on behind closed doors ... so you keep it to yourself
... and try to carry-on like everything is normal.
After a while you even begin to believe that it is normal !
The thing is, abuser's - whilst being totally ignorant excuses for human beings - are very clever people with a great talent for manipulation and
that is what makes them dangerous !
Another thing that you will notice in the abuser's behaviour pattern, is how sorry they are after their outburst ... and this is often genuine
remorse in most cases ... unfortunately it rarely stops them from repeating their actions again and again and again.
Quite often the degree/frequency of violence rained upon you will increase over time (as was true in my case).
And as my ex-husbands violent tendencies began to escalate I found myself frequently giving serious thought to ways in which I could kill him (that
would look like natural causes), because I could see no other way out. And I'd already spent a lifetime in the prison that was our relationship, so I
had no intention of going to prison for killing the monster who had not only turned me into a timid, cringing shadow of the person I'd once been but
also a 'would-be' murderess.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE;
THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO ... MAINTAIN YOUR DIGNITY AND NEVER LET DESPERATION DICTATE YOUR ACTIONS ... YOU REALLY ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT
It scares the hell out of me now, to think I had reached such a desperate state (in fact it made me shiver just writing about it). That person that
I'd become bears no semblence to the person I really am now or indeed was before !
I have only told a handful of people about these dark thoughts prior to writing this (for obvious reasons).
But after reading the OP I felt it was time to speak out ... because there are thousands of women ... and men out there, who are being treated in the
most appalling ways by the people that should cherish them ... and that is not how one human being should be treated by another.
After all those years of taking whatever my ex-husband dished out, I was convinced that's how it would always be (and it probably would have been).
But things changed dramatically when he assaulted our teenage son with a double-barrelled shotgun. That was the click of the fingers that broke the
spell ... because whilst I had become complacent to his treatment of me ... I could not stand by and allow him to be violent towards my children. The
strength of a mother in the pursuit of protecting her cubs is indeed a mighty force that makes 'pure fear' evaporate in a heartbeat.
And I have always been puzzled to hear about women / men who have experienced this ... and find the strength to break free ... only to end up in
another abusive relationships ???? Personally if I was in a relationship and there was the slightest hint of aggresion ... I would be running for the
hills and as far away as I could possibly get. Because I would never, ever allow myself to be treated in such a way again ... I already wasted too
much of this lifetime in hell !!!
But to end on a positive note ... I feel I am a much, much stronger person for the experience ... which proves even the most negative experiences can
have positive repercussions somewhere down the line.
You get out anyway you can and enjoy the most amazing sense of liberation you are ever likely to have ... take a deep breath and come back to life
Appologies for the long post, but if my story is of any comfort to others who are experiencing something similar ... or it gives them the initiative
to change there life and get out ... my rambling words will have not be a waste.
And if anyone needs to chat about their own situation feel free to u2u me.
(edit to add); Hi Dock6 long time no type ... an excellent reply to someone without common decency.
[edit on 29-9-2008 by woodwytch]