What lead me here

I hope not to attract pity with this post. I've been encouraged to share by some other members, they themselves not being aware of what I'm about to write, and so I take that as a sign that perhaps it is my time to tell. I'm encouraged by the fact that I recently feel my time is limited. What I find ironic is that my fear of telling these events makes me wonder if that is exactly what will limit my time. But at least part of this stems from my 'separation from the herd' a long time ago. Once separated, always apart. If I'm left in peace, I don't even have a problem with that. But the question remains, why? I know what happened; when the rift occurred, it seems, but the wonder of why has haunted me since an early age. These days I'm not sure there is an answer. But I'm going to share what happened for whatever good it might do. Perhaps someone can relate to my story. Maybe they can find an answer of their own.

When I was four or five, there was something on the roof of my house. The details are vague. I'm not sure how I knew it was up there, but I know I saw it from my bedroom window. If I'm to say that I've always had an 'astral alarm' system, would that make sense? I'm not sure if what I saw was physical or ethereal, but I know I was afraid it would fall and I begged it to come down. I don't know how many times this happened, but it seems to be more than once. This also lead to what might have been a dream of climbing out the window and not being able to climb back in. I don't know for sure that it ever came down either, but I suspect it did. I can't describe it except to say that my memory shapes it as humanoid and small. Toddler-sized, with a tail. What I know for sure is that no explanation from anyone I told ever satisfied me, leading them to the conclusion that I was dreaming it. Over time, I became obsessed to the point that I convinced myself it was a dream simply because I couldn't explain it, or even properly describe it. I believe now that it was something more than a dream, but I'm not sure what. What happened to my family and I after that was definitely real.

Without being too explicit, our lives were affected by a violent crime which lead to our moving. At this point I developed a second internal voice that I frequently conversed with, which I found comforting as I was frustrated from a young age (2?) that I couldn't adequately communicate my thoughts to others. And so began my sense of alienation. Somehow I didn't belong anymore. This feeling was obviously manipulated and magnified when I became a victim. We moved again.

From this point on my life degenerated hellishly and the secondary voice became antagonistic to the point of psychological torture. I became obsessed with the occult, magic, aliens, telepathy, etc. I would practice mental control of my body's automatic functions such as heart rate and breathing and practicing what I would later recognize as yoga postures. I also worked at energy manipulations and thought transference. All were successful to some degree, although I was always disappointed with what I considered mediocre results. I also began having bizarre dreams that have impacted my life, but that I couldn't possibly describe in any effective way, dealing with a being that I called the 'king of the monsters'.

At least some of this was due to the constant psychic attacks of my mother. I know this could be considered a disputable fact, but I submit that telling someone they are being watched and their thoughts monitored is just as effective as any real psychic power. I was seven at the time, and this would be my life until the age of about 16.

Up to this point it's easy to characterize everything I believe I've experienced to be the result of abuse and the obvious psychological detriment that goes along with it. But since then I've been occasionally confronted with real events that call into question the idea that I'm suffering from a purely psychological condition. Some of these events have witnesses other than myself, some don't. The one that haunts me the most is my close encounter with a fabled 'black helicopter' around the age of 20. I was in the car with my partner and it flew from beneath the overpass we were crossing to hover and briefly follow our car from less than 50 yards away. I'm hard pressed to find a rational explanation. Or for the 'star' that followed us one night, stopping and starting with the car, coming to rest when we parked and disappearing after we went into the house. There are other events, but these two were witnessed not just by myself and so I can give them more credibility. Others are far more bizarre, but left real world evidence that is difficult to explain.

For a long time I supposed that these events indicated something of importance in my life. Lately I question how to value importance and no longer see that word pertaining to me. I think I missed the boat, so to speak, and another post illustrates that I'm not a very good swimmer
But there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that. Maybe the sum of these experiences is what I've left here. Not an enduring legacy, but who am I to judge. Lately my life has felt incredibly repetitious, as if I'm floating in a vortex, passing by things I'm already familiar with as I draw closer to the center. A sort of life lived as deja vu. For that reason alone, I feel my time is drawing to a close as I have no idea how to overcome the spiral and set my life in a new direction, if that is even possible. But this isn't an elaborate suicide note. I intend to wait and see as I've done for the past 35 years. It just seems that possibilities draw further away from me as time goes on and it feels as if a void is forming ahead of me.

Perhaps I'm simply mad. I can live with that. But it seems to be the course of my life that I can never get a firm grasp on any of this and so ultimately what is cause and what is effect become indefinable. I don't suppose this post will lead me to any such answers either. Truth be told, I'd be much happier with peace than with answers. Something just as distant most of the time as the fear of what 'they' will do to me if they 'find me' is to pervasive to be ignored. As a student of psychology, I know how irrational this fear is, but I submit that this is why reality is subjective. Whether 'they' come for me or not, the effectiveness of the threat is real. Now I wait and watch.

You have endured much, and from such endurance comes strength. Hopefully you can use that to help others, the many others, who have come to the point of questioning their own purpose.

You have a purpose. Stay the course. Endure. Your focus determines your reality. It is the one thing you can control. Approach everything as the trial; leave the judgment until it is all you face. For now, there are many who are with you, don't diminish your value, or that of the lessons you have learned.

Please don't be offended if it sounds trite or patronizing, that is not my intention. I believe I may just understand what haunts you. You are NOT alone.

Originally posted by Maxmars
Please don't be offended if it sounds trite or patronizing, that is not my intention. I believe I may just understand what haunts you. You are NOT alone.

Would you care to go into more detail? I would love to read your own experience as well.

reply to post by TravelerintheDark

Your story gave me chills. I am still stunned that many of the events in your life are a mirror to mine. I must agree with Maxmars that you are not alone.

From an early age I knew I was different from my playmates. My parents were very intelligent people that seemed different also.

In my mid twenties there was a very violent death in my household. It was listed as a suicide but left many questions unanswered. For a year I was of no use to myself or anyone else. My parents took care of me and my young child.

One morning I woke up and it was like I had broken out of the shell I had been in. I was again productive and seemed to put the past into a faraway place that I never went back to.

I submerged myself into martial arts and other things that were on the dark side. This lasted for fifteen years.

At a yearly physical check up my doctor told me I was depressed and very troubled. He suggested I go talk with a psychologist. I didn't believe he was right but went anyway. What happened after that changed my life completely.

The psychologist asked me if I had ever had a traumatic event in my life. I told her no I had not. I had no memory of the violent death in my past.
I spent the next 30 days in a mental institution. Since then I have learned so much about my life that I had blocked out. At age 61 I am still learning about myself and my past.

I, like you, am watching and waiting. But it is not for death I wait. It is for an awakening that I feel is coming soon. Right now I feel my life is in a holding pattern.

My friend you are not mad.........you are special. Please don't be afraid. All will be well.

reply to post by TravelerintheDark


Hey there 'TravelerintheDark', add me to the list ... take your username for example ... we are all 'Travelers in the Dark' my friend. I spent many years feeling lost ... until I realized that I felt lost because my obsession to 'know' was actually causing the distance.

The sense of repetition that you speak of ... I can also relate to that (I've touched on this many times before in other threads so I won't bore everyone with the details again ... that would just be repetitive) But I like the term you used ... 'a life in deja vu' ... an excellent description.

My personal feelings on this subject (relevant to me anyways), I feel that I am revising not just this lifetimes events ... but also my previous lives with such clarity (my pastlife memories are as clear as my present life memories) is by way of a 'summing-up' and I think the reason for this might be because this is my last lifetime here.

None of us know for sure but isn't that what makes it so exciting ?

I used to be like you until I embraced it all as a journey ... now instead of viewing black and white still image I see my life, the world around me and the events within such, in full colour with moving pictures and surround sound ... and it is beautiful !

>>> One thing I have noticed on my journey ... in the event of serious illness and/or life-trauma we are presented with a choice ... either we allow ourselves to feel the water pulling us down, as it laps across our face ... or we can use ever ounce of strength we have to splash and splutter our way to the edge and claw our way out gasping onto dry land.

I came very close to taking the first option on two occasions (not a suicidal reference in the literal sense - more spiritually) ... but I couldn't seem to sink ... something kept me floating on the surface until I decided I should make the effort to get to the side. I'm so glad I did !

Woody

These are the kinds of answers i to have been looking for and what led me to this site. All i can say is hang in there, all things in good time.

After really doing some thinking and some meditation on it, I believe that we are supposed to be doing something or will be needed for something ( not like saving the world superman style) but even the most mundane of things can make the biggest deal at the end of the day.

There is a saying in our Dojo that I try to apply to all things this included.

The Way is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever into the horizon.

Kinda rambling, as I've had a few Harps this evening so I apologize.

Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm glad not to be as alone in this as I've felt. That is reason enough. And thanks to everyone whose path I've crossed, known or unknown. No one has been unkind to me and I never wanted more than that.