I know these threads tend to be a dime a dozen here, but I had quite the epiphany recently. Since I see this as a life-changing experience for myself, I've decided to share it with you all for if not an affirming story, then just entertainment.

Now I'm about to share some fairly personal stuff, but I'm a pretty "heart on sleeve" kind of guy so whatever. Over a month ago, my girlfriend of almost 4 years left me. I mean, totally removed all alleys of communication. Radio silence. From what I thought was a good thing to total blackout without any notice or explanation.

Obviously, I was devastated. It was the first time in my life I felt like dying. This was the bottom of the barrel and I was experiencing pure hatred/confusion/loss of identity. I went from violent anger to complete apathy 20 times a day. I've lost 25 pounds in 30 days. It was bad.

I stayed like this until a few days ago. I was visited by something that has stayed with me since. Let me tell you, I have more problems with religion than most skeptics, but I have no other explanation than to tell you that I have an open connection to God right now.

It happened on a walk back from work one night. I was on a huge bender and getting hammered every night, then walking back to my apartment to simmer in self-loathing. It happened somewhere between the walk home and waking the next day, but I felt like I had lost a weeks worth of time. There was a huge story in my head and I didn't know where it came from. It was all the answers to all my questions and showed me that I was about to have a breakthrough. It was the most horrible/wonderful thing I had ever felt in my life. I sobbed tears of joy and despair all at once. It was an emotion that I've never felt. I don't even think it was an emotion, it was like being touched by pure energy and light.

I pieced together the message over the next couple days. It told me that my apathy was the reason that this had happened to me. I was gliding through life and not fulfilling my purpose. This was my punishment, and I was getting a big dose of sadness to make up for all the people I had wronged in the last few years. I had no reasons to be angry as that emotion is a fickle, simple one. I saw the last years roll past my eyes for days and I felt an unbelievable appreciation for them, as they were what brought me to this day.

These are answers that I am in no way able to give myself. They were a gift from God. It was like I was being lifted into a realm of consciousness that I wasn't able to see before. My eyes were opened and my world is now more real and detailed.

This is where I get into the "something big" part. Not so much for the collective consciousness, but I get touched like this at least once a day by something or someone telling me, "you are about to do something huge.. you're about to change your life and lives around you. you must keep your eyes open and strike the chance when it is given to you." I see signs everywhere now. Everything in my life has meaning, and I am piecing together the message slowly. People are calling me from earlier times in my life randomly and its almost as if they are dropping hints. Maybe coincidence? But I don't see coincidence anymore.

This was a gift that I could have rejected. I know this because it takes consistent effort to maintain it. I believe we are given avenues in our lives and we need to jump on the right track to be given the chance at better understanding.

I tell you all this because I want those who are going through bad times to see that sometimes not everything can be dealt with all alone. Maybe I asked for help somewhere along the way, but when I was offered it, I took it, and I'm not looking back. I used to think people like me were diluted and not strong, falling back on religion to help them through their days. I could not have been more wrong.

I'm not saying read the bible, the koran, the bhagavad gita, etc.. I am telling you to reach out. If not with words, then with your soul. If it doesn't happen right away, well nothing great ever does. Just calm your soul and give yourself to something higher. You don't need to go to church, just know that you have the power within yourself to find God. I don't care which God, but he is wonderful.

I was told by a very special person that we are all like bears in a trap. I was a bear in a trap. As a bear, I have no understanding of how to get out of the trap, so I can't help myself. People who find me are certainly not going to help a dangerous animal, because I will be violent with them and probably maul them if they get to close. What I need is to calm myself and if I allow myself to understand the situation, and ascend, then I can eventually evolve spiritually and become aware. At that point, I am no longer a stupid bear, but an intelligent creature of God. At this point, I am given help to relieve myself of the trap.

Haha, I didn't do that metaphor justice, but I hope you get the idea.

I'd love to see what you all think of my experience. Thanks for your time.

I am sorry to hear that you lost your girlfriend. If it is any consolation, I think she made a mistake. You seem like a nice guy.

I am glad that you are finding some comfort and on the way to recovery. Break-ups can be so hard.

I am very interested in what happened to you. Would you mind explaining in more detail?

Zippy:

The thing is, I don't blame her for getting rid of me anymore. I deserved it. She wanted the person that I am now, I believe. Someone more in touch with their spirituality and someone who appreciated their life. I was not that person. I often gave all of my baggage to her and did not often give her credit for helping me through such hard times.

She was/is a wonderful girl. I don't believe I am over it, but I feel very happy for the both of us. She helped me get here so I owe her quite a lot of respect and thanks for that. I have no question that this will do good things for both of us, and if we get another chance down the road, I hope it works out. I cannot force these things to happen for me.

I will go further into the story with greater detail, but I have a pretty tight schedule at the moment, so I will need to do that in a few hours.

Thanks for the response!

im not quite to the point you were, actually no-where near it, but at this point in my life i feel i need guidance, an answer if you will, but i don't know the question.

i am going to re-read your post and then i will do as you say and give myself over to a higher power, "the universe" more so than a "god"and i will find my answer, thank you for sharing your experience it has and will help me alot.

As far as the universe or God.. As far as I see it, they are one in the same to me. I have no specifics on who is helping me, but it/he/she is doing a great job.

Hiyah Santa

I am sorry to hear you're going through hard times but....

I know exactly what you're talking about, I had the same thing almost, happen to me when I was your age...I was slapping my forehead like in the old V-8 commercials....when you were describing it....I bet others can relate...

I translated mine to mean....like a huge paradigm shift in my thinking...hard to explain, it's almost like, the point where you grow up...and calm and chaos ensue...at the same time, but you have a whole new path in front of you and a whole new instant mindset, everything becomes instantaneously accessible yet more mysterious

Maybe it's not what you are talking about but it sure sounded like that to me, and knowing you and your sensitivity and intelligence and how you described it, sure seems like it, but how you interpret it is up to you

It's like the physical growth spurts of our childhood, where your shins or legs ache in the middle of the night...then mysteriously you are an inch or more taller, just, in this case, with your mind.

HEY LA! Long time no see.

You know, I do feel like perhaps I am not giving myself enough credit for this, but to be honest, the person I was a few days ago was not strong enough as an individual to come to these answers all at once. Its like I am being lifted up by my chest cavity... Literally. I feel euphoria.

The other thing is that I feel as if someone is actually tapping me on the shoulder throughout the day saying, "Hey! Look over there.... What do you think?"

You are right, my perception has shifted, but I cannot fully comprehend all the messages, so I don't think that this is necessarily only myself growing up.. Instead, I am becoming an adult through some spiritual awakening. I have a hard time not thinking I am a crazy person, as people who talk like this are often criticized by people like myself.

I was forced to be alone for the last month, and maybe I did snap in the dark, dirty walls of my crappy apartment all by myself, to stew in my own head.. But I feel like there's something else there, I almost hear it, but there's no sound. I almost see it, but it doesn't show itself. I almost feel it, but its not tangible.

I literally walk around this big city all day thinking to myself, "This is mine to do what I will with." I know it sounds conceited, but I get these messages that say, "You are about to do something amazing." Maybe my brain is just channeling all my thoughts into something bigger than myself.

Ahh, I'm rambling.

[edit on 9/16/08 by SantaClaus]

Santa, sorry about your lose dude, but it sounds to me you just got a massive dose of reality thrown your wey, which as you have acknowledged is a really good thing.

Maybe you missed these messages earlier as your head was up your, well not in the right space. It happens to the best of us.

Call it god call it what you will, but such awakenings tend to happen after some emotional experiences/episodes.

Happy to hear you have found more meaning to life - as it is a truly amazing place.

Btw, your knew attitude will get you other girls . Try slightly older ones, typically more stimulating.

Good luck & Peace.

Haha, I've never dated a girl younger than me. Problem is, at 24, I am at a weird area where I find most women in the city are still trying the whole single thing. I've not done the single thing for the most part, and I'm not into that scene at all, especially the dating around....

For now, I kind of like just being alone. I do find girls are kind of responding more to me now than ever. Maybe its the new me or maybe its the lost weight? haha. But whatever, they can wait. I like this whole "working on me" thing.

And guys again, thanks so much for your kind words, but I think I really am about as happy about the situation as I could be at this point. It will make me a better guy for the next girl down the road, or if its her again, we will have passed those issues.

Whatever happens, I am just relying on this newfound confidence.

Ok, to get this more in the "religion/spiritual" realm I will post this. I did not intend this to be at all about my former relationship. It was about the resulting message I received. I realize I sound like a bit of a youngster by going through this "transformation" but I am still convinced I have made a new discovery in my life that I shunned before.

I have always criticized those with blind faith in religion. I would like to hear from someone who maybe feels the same energy I do. I really feel like I have someone guiding me, protecting me, with me all the time.

Maybe I'm schizophrenic now? haha.

Wow, LTRU

I'm trying to find out if this is something you despise or love?

Your story made my heart skip a beat. I just got off tour. Honestly, I have been "living the life" for quite some time now. I don't really do drugs, but my drinking boarders on the EPIC. I have been controlling it very well (1-2x a week) until this breakup.

What are you hearing? I think sometimes these are audible, but they typically just come out as things I want to say, instead of actual sounds.

Please, I'd love to hear your history with these sounds.

At first it was just the voices. Now these voices were insane to me. Not only was I dealing with the loss of my sis and a few grandparents and an uncle (all with in 2004), but I was hearing voices and guess who some of them were?

Realize, anyone I tried to talk to, thought I had demons or thought I was going crazy, forcing me to be more and more alone in it. On top of this, these voices were not happy with my lifestyle choices.

In the mean time I am searching my old bibles, praying and doing anything to not deal with the harshness of what I heard these voices saying to me. They would work me down to nothing and then do it more. Tearing me apart and showing me every "wrong" I had inflicted on others.

I thought I was a great person...I was so wrong I was blind. People can say this was me, but on top of the breaking me down, it would show me things. Where lost articles were, directions to places, stuff I had no prior knowledge of...i'm being dead serious.

It has been 4 years now and it litterally sits on my left shoulder. I call it what Paul called it...a messenger of satan to buffit me in the flesh...In other words, not let me puff up. I do from time to time, but let me tell you. The beat down I receive, is worthy of the labor.

I began searching my christian roots, only to have christ reveal to me he is in none of those things. I carry the witness of Jesus. I also learned from the spirit what Jesus means..."Self existent is salvation". This meant, all of my preconceived man made Ideas of what is, is not. No more waiting around for "God" to make it all better, because I started realizing, unless I get my will strait, no one will make it better...then understanding "your faith has healed you"

Sorry the reply isn't working, it never does...

Dude, I think maybe I got the question/answer at the same time. I felt so horrible and so lost at all the things I had done, but I felt wonderful knowing that I would have never found this calm and serenity without those things occurring. It was inevitable.

I mean, keep in mind. This has been a week. Maybe less. I felt complete wretchedness and absolute euphoria at the same time. It was like dying almost. Perhaps a feel born anew?

Your posts ring so true to me, but there's something I'm not reading.

I have been a catholic through my younger years. I think I have christian ideals but I will NEVER go back to it. For some reason I feel ok with that and honestly, most of my recent endeavors in religion have involved meditation, and thats not even necessarily religious.

Originally posted by SantaClaus
Wow, LTRU

I'm trying to find out if this is something you despise or love?

Your story made my heart skip a beat. I just got off tour. Honestly, I have been "living the life" for quite some time now. I don't really do drugs, but my drinking boarders on the EPIC. I have been controlling it very well (1-2x a week) until this breakup.

What are you hearing? I think sometimes these are audible, but they typically just come out as things I want to say, instead of actual sounds.

Please, I'd love to hear your history with these sounds.

I was scared to death, but it is the best thing that has ever happened to me...it's the real me and I have to deal with that...thank you spirit.

Man where do I start...I have learned more in the last 4 years then in my entire life.

I will use some terms here that might not be clear to some, but I will do my best to explain it. I know that the voices I want to listen too, are inside of me, but some of the ones I hear are not. When ever it is an attack on me, it is always from outside.

You know revelations? The trumpet that is blown...is not a trumpet, but "an incising in the ear" a sharp pitched tone. Forgive my biblical links, but to be honest it is all biblical. Not religious. I really don't like religion AT ALL...any religion. None of it is the real deal and you only know this when it happens to you, so I won't go into telling people what to believe. I know the truth, because it is truth to me alone and I don't have to prove it to anyone...we were never supposed to. Anyway, it literally sounds like "Rushing water" or a really fuzzy radio which I can pull things from if I tune in. The cleaner my body is, the more clear the message is. All I have to do is stop what I am doing and listen. I can faintly see them, thousands and thousands around us. It never and I mean never goes away.

There are concepts in the bible that I had "christian" ideas about. These things would laugh as I called on Jesus and mock me, hit me, spit on me....I would feel spit fly onto me in the middle of my living room... they have even struck me down with swords that when they hit me physically hurt. I know crazy, it gets better.

I not only hear them, I feel them. As I said, one is attached to my left shoulder. You know the pictures of the indian gods with the many arms...now I know why and what the arms are about. One of them is on my shoulder....I sound nuts I know, but bear with me. It speaks of this in the bible as well, only english is a horrible translation, and if I would not looked into the original languages, I would have never understood...more coming

LTRU...

I honestly must speak to you via u2u. It is late night so I am not of sound enough mind to fully tell you how much your story affirms mine. I will get at you asap.

If it helps, the new song on our album states this (so similar to what you said)...

"Wish I could wake up
I know this is not the case
I sought religion
As it spat blood in my face"

This is honestly not as metaphorical as it sounds.

The Spirit, I guess is the best thing to call it, can play ANYTHING back to me...Like my personal Akashic record. When I say play it back, I mean that literally, only I'm the only one that can hear it and/or see it. I've written songs that are not mine, because it plays them to me telling me "I wrote them in a different life"...I'll think up a hook, then the spirit will play me the rest of the song, I thought I had thought of...nope...was hear before, will be hear again...I am the instrument that thinks it plays itself.


Any of this ringing with you?