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My First Attempt at Writing - No Title Yet

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posted on Sep, 7 2008 @ 08:54 PM
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I got an idea today while at work, and that was to write a story. I have never tried to write a story before, but have been a spontaneous reader in the past. I was just hoping for some honest feedback, good and bad, on what I have so far. Its not too long, about 20% done I would say, but so far to me it reads pretty good. Anyway.. lets give this a shot.

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No Title Yet
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Chapter 1:
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It wasn’t until six o'clock, when the earthquake subsided. This was the third earthquake of the day
and many people were starting to question the situation. Inside the suburban house in Pennsylvania, objects lay broken on the floor. Family portraits lay cracked, glass shattered about with broken shards large enough to cause a serious wound now littered the floor. Lance Delwar starts sweeping up the pieces as the aftershock hits.

"What the # is going on?!", exclaimed Lance. "This is the third damn earthquake
today! Any more like this and our house might collapse.

"Its probably just another effect of global warming, its all over the news these days.", replied Rachael.
"Do you think this will mean we have to cancel our spelunking trip this weekend?".

"I really hope not.", Lance said with uncertainty, "Who knows if the cave is even still a cave after all of these earthquakes. With the danger of cave-ins and being trapped, I'm not sure it would be such a good idea until after things settle down."

"Do you think your brother John may know anything about this? He works for the government doesn't he?" asked Rachel.

"I doubt it, and it's not like he would tell us anyway. He is so secretive about his job, he never speaks a word about it.", replied Lance.

Just as Lance was finishing his sentence, John walks into the house and removes his tie.

"Speaking of the devil!", laughed Lance. "Hey John, you don’t know anything about these earthquakes or anything do you? I mean, the government has to know something."

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you.", joked John. "I think its just the whole global warming thing, you know, crazy weather and all that."

"I told you!", yelled Rachel from the other room.

"If anything, the nerds at NASA probably know about it already. If it was anything serious, I am sure they would have told us." continued John with assurance. He was always so calm about even the worst of situations.

John Delwar was quite an accomplished man for his age. At twenty six years old, he has already completed his Ph.D. in particle physics and electromagnetism. He stood six feet tall without an ounce of fat on him, primarily due to the new exercise facility they constructed at the NSA complex. He was a quiet man, and never seemed concerned with what is going on in the world. Probably because he already knows what is going on before it even happens, it seems the NSA
is good at things like that.

After a brief chat, John walked into the kitchen, grabbed his pre-assembled dinner and went off to work. It is going to be a long month analyzing all the data they have recieved lately.

"Do you think he is telling the truth?", asked Rachel.

"Yea.. at least I think so.", replied Lance. "If there was anything for us to worry about, I am sure he would tell us."

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Chapter 2
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As John arrived at the NSA complex, he immediately knew something big was going on. The printers were constantly spitting out sheet after sheet of endless numbers, equations, and symbols. Research assistants sit anxiously, scanning page after page, wide-eyed with look of someone who has been up for two days straight binging on coffee. The marble floor resembled
a race track, with people running from station to station, checking and re-checking their calculations. In the midst of all the commotion someone signals to John to come here.

"Whats going on here?" inquired John. "This place is a mad house; I have never seen it like this before."

Asai Huynh was the lead geologist on the floor that day. She was an Asian beauty with long dark hair, thin lips, and striking blue eyes from her contact lenses. John has always had fantasies about her, but always kept it strictly professional. She pointed to the paper at a series of equations and asked john what he thought.

"Energy.", John said with assurance. "Is that why you called me over here?"

"Yes, and no.", replied Asai with curiosity. "This energy source.. is coming from within the earth. We have been analyzing ground penetrating radar data for the last six months from a series of caves, and after noticing fluctuations in the radars response we came to the conclusion some sort of electromagnetic energy is affecting it."

"You have got to be kidding me?" replied John. "How could this much energy be coming from within a cave system?"

"That’s why I called you over here.", said Asai with a smile. Her facial features so perfect, John almost forgot what they were talking about.

"I will analyze the data and get back to you as soon as possible. There is a lot here so it may take a while, but I am sure there is a reasonable explanation for this." assured John.

"I knew I could count on you." said Asai, and nudged John with a small jab to the shoulder.

John's cubicle was immaculate. Aside from the pictures of his family hanging on the small tack boards, he kept it as simple as possible. He laid the papers down on his desk, and started going through them one by one. Page after page, line after line, John was questioning the possibilities. In all his years at the NSA, he has never encountered anything like this. Literally billions of electron volts, radiating out from a center source within the earths crust.

"Who would build such a thing?", John said in his head. " Why? When? The NSA would have known about it, they know about everything."

John continued going through the pages when he noticed something odd. The energy all of a sudden stopped. Dead. One page it was there, and the next page it was gone. He motioned for Asai to come over, mentally enjoying the thoughts of having her right there on his desk. She arrived in a hurry, hoping he may have found an answer.

"Asai.. Have you noticed anything weird about this energy?" asked John.




posted on Sep, 7 2008 @ 08:55 PM
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"I'm a geologist, not a nerd like you." laughed Asai. "I noticed that something was affecting my GPR, and figured it was some sort of energy from the data, but was unable to come to a complete conclusion. What do you think?"

"Well, it sure is energy, and a lot of it. I have never seen anything like this in my life." explained John. "But, it gets even weirder! All of a sudden, the energy stops. One day its there, the next day.. gone."

"How? What? Something that puts out that much energy must be huge!" exclaimed Asai. "How could it be there one day, and not be there the next?"

"That’s what has me stumped." John said solemnly. "No machine that can put out this much energy could have possibly been built without us knowing about it. We know everything for Christ’s sake! Who could build something that even our best researchers don't know how to do?"

"I am going to keep going over the data, and maybe something will stick out." said John. "Maybe the calculations are wrong, they have to be... Something has to be... this is impossible."

"When did this energy all of a sudden stop?" asked Asai.

"According to this data, yesterday." replied John.

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Chapter 3
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The expedition was well over two miles under ground. The cavern was immense, housing the most complex machine any of them have ever seen. Two researchers hold a box containing a small spherical object as the crew starts to work their way out of the cave system.

"We better get out of here quick, I think I just felt a small earthquake." said one of the researchers.

"The boss is going to be pretty damn happy we finally retrieved it as long as we make it out of here alive." said the other one.

The boss was a unknown figure head of what many would call the shadow government. He sent them there in order to collect what he called a matter of global security. A reactor, powered by a sphere of magnetically contained anti-matter was the reason for all of this. The implications of such a device were unending if it ever fell into the wrong hands.

Another small earthquake shakes the cavern as small rocks fall from the ceiling. The workers, as well as the researchers, pack up and begin their way out of the cave.

Ronald Livingston sits silently at his desk, awaiting the return of his item.

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Chapter 4
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On the eleven o’clock news that night, Lance and Rachel watched in horror as the world seemed to be falling apart before their eyes. Earthquakes in regions where there was never a recorded earthquake before, floods, hurricanes, tornados, and every potential disaster you could think of. The world was in no way ready for such devastation and the results were horrific. In China, estimates of tens of thousands dead are already coming through, while America is already nearing the one thousand mark. Other places in the world are facing the worst humanitarian crisis they have ever witnessed.

“Holy #!” exclaimed Lance. “This is scary Rach! I have never seen anything like this.”

Just as Lance was finishing his sentence, there was a knock on the door. It was their neighbor Bill Portley. He was cut and bruised, with a small amount of blood still dried on his scalp. His shirt was covered in dirt and soot while stained red with the same blood on his head. Bill seemed quite shook up and worried.

“Lance! Thank God you’re here!” yelled Bill. “My house was damaged in the last earthquake, my daughter Julia’s room caved in and I’m worried about the rest of the house collapsing now.”

“Is she ok?” asked Lance, worried about her condition.

“Yea, shes fine right now, just a little shook up. I don’t suppose I can use your telephone to call my family a few towns over do you?” asked Bill.

“Nah, go right ahead.” said Lance.

Bill picked up the phone only to hear static on the other end. The phone lines were down, the earthquake must have knocked them out. Bill starts crying as he puts the phone down, unsure of what to do next. Lance has an idea, and gets his cell phone from the kitchen.

“Here you go, try this.” he said.

Again, no service was available due to the earthquake. They were cut off from communication and had no contact with anyone. Both Lance and Rachel were worried about their families. Lance motions for Rachel to come into the kitchen.

“Rach, we can’t leave him like this. We have to let him stay here until things start to settle down.” said Lance with a bit of apprehension.

“Well… ok.” replied Rachel. “But only until things get better. I don’t think John will like the idea of us making the decision but Bill has a daughter he has to take care of.”

“Agreed.” said Lance in relief.

The two walked out to the living room where Bill was now standing with his daughter Sarah. They told him he was able to stay until things calmed down and he could get a hold of his family.

“Thank you so much!” exclaimed Bill. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

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Chapter 5
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Back at the NSA complex, John continued going over his data which was now strewn about his desk in a manner completely unlike him. He pondered over theories, ideas, anything that may explain what is happening. Asai did the same over at her desk, studying hundreds of pages of data in hopes to explain what could maybe only be an anomaly in an out dated GPR system. They looked for the director of intelligence but he was not in his office which worried them. Douglas Feren was an intimidating figure who spoke with the voice akin to Zeus speaking to the lesser gods on Mt. Olympus. He was a man of mystery although no one ever asked questions about him. When he would go away for days at a time, and not even tell his personal assistant, everyone else would just look the other way and assume he was doing work on something top secret.

“John!” exclaimed Asai. “Get over here quick!”

“What’s going on Asai?” asked John. “You seem a bit shook up.”

“Well, I was going over the data, and happened to cross reference it will the national geological survey system and found out that the earthquakes and disasters all started happening the day this energy source disappeared!” exclaimed Asai, slightly out of breath.

“Impossible.” said John. “Why would all of this happen just because something stopped putting off energy?”

“I have no idea… John.” said Asai with uncertainty



posted on Sep, 7 2008 @ 08:55 PM
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John thought about it for a minute and responded with the same uncertainty that Asai had expressed just a moment earlier.

“It’s possible... by chance… but how? Why? What?”, John asked, perplexed by even the thought of some energy source controlling the biosphere of our planet.

“Maybe when Doug gets back from his little vacation he can shed some light on the matter.” said John.

“I really hope so” replied Asai, “I really hope things don’t get worse in the mean time either.”

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Chapter 6
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Douglas Feran stood facing Ronald Livingston while two researchers placed a box on the table. The room was lighted by a desk lamp illuminating the rest of the area. A plush couch sat in the corner of the room unused, as well as the two chairs facing Ronald’s large mahogany desk. The matter was much too important to be sitting down for. This was the future of energy, the future of the world. Ronald signaled for his two researchers to leave the room as he motioned for Douglas Feran to take a seat. He declined thankfully and began to discuss the situation.

“With this source of energy, we will no longer have to listen to terrorist demands.” said Ronald. “This is the future of the world!”

“I don’t think there is going to be much of a world left if any more natural disasters happen.” replied Douglas. “Something serious has been going on, and that should be our primary concern at the moment.”

Ronald Livingston walked over to his mini-bar and poured a drink for himself. Whiskey on the rocks, it was his favorite.

“Care for a drink Doug?” asked Ronald.

“No thanks, I need to be getting back to the office and see if anyone has figured out what is going on with all of these disasters today.” replied Douglas. “Surely one of my researchers has some information to shed light on the situation.”

“You know, one day, we will be the ones in power. No longer hiding in the shadows out of sight.” said Ronald.

Douglas nodded at the notion and quietly walked out the door. Ronald Livingston was seemingly oblivious to what was going on the world today.

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Chapter 7
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Douglas Feran walks into the NSA complex and immediately is bombarded by researchers with questions. The usually spotless facility is now a jungle of paper and people frantically running about. He overhears people talking about the end of the world, and calmly dissuades them from such thoughts. He always did have a way with words. As Douglas is about to enter his office, Asai and John both run up to him in haste and a stack full of data.

“Doug! You ain’t going to believe this!” exclaimed John and Asai concurrently.

“Oh yea?” replied Doug.

“It seems that Asai and I have located an energy source deep within the earths crust, inside some sort of cave system. This is energy like I have never seen before… huge amounts, almost impossible. Well, somehow, yesterday this energy source just shut off! It disappeared completely and we have not seen it again.” explained John.

Asai interrupts and continues on with John’s explanation.

“As I was cross referencing the data with a global geological survey system, it seems that the current earthquakes started at exactly the same time as the energy disappeared!”

Upon hearing these words, Douglas Feran turned pale and silent. Without a word, he retreated to his office and pondered the situation.

“Could it be the same energy source? Nonsense! Machines do not control the biosphere, that’s impossible!” he thought.

Meanwhile, John and Asai were standing outside his office perplexed by his reaction.

Asai says quietly, “This is not the Douglas Feran we know, he would have known exactly what to do. He could have told us that it was a glitch after going through the data. He would have had an explanation. He didn’t even take one look at the data! “

John stood there for a second, thinking about what had just occured.

"I know.." he said. "That is what has me worried."



posted on Sep, 7 2008 @ 10:04 PM
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Hi there...this is a good start. You have a strange situation that these characters are dealing with, and they are likable characters that the reader will want to follow through this story. I do have to recommend that you work on your dialogue. For someone just starting out, do not be frustrated. Dialogue is not as easy as some might think. Try not to spell out everything for the reader. Trust that they will follow you. You should think about making the dialogue shorter and cut anything that can be cut. Below is an example of how you can cut the opening lines. Keep the story moving. Do not explain (or over explain), and let the details simmer to the surface. Remember...trust the reader. However, I like the characters and their interactions. Good job.

edited version
"What the?" exclaimed Lance. "This is the third damn earthquake
today!

"Global warming," replied Rachael. [added]“At least that’s what the news will say.”

"I’m going to be really pissed if we have to cancel our trip this weekend."

"I really hope not." Lance said with uncertainty, "Who knows if the cave is even still a cave after all of these earthquakes, I'm not sure it would be such a good idea until after things settle down." (the reader knows about the dangers of cave ins and being trapped--save the word spelunking for later, if at all. If they talk about this "idea" of spelunking, the reader will understand )

"Do you think John would know anything about this?" asked Rachel.

"I doubt it, and it's not like [my brother] would tell us anyway with his so-secretive-government job," replied Lance.

Just as Lance was finishing his sentence, John walk[ed] into the house and remove[d] his tie.

"Speaking of the devil!", laughed Lance. "Hey John, what’s with the earthquakes? I mean, [you’ve got] to know something."

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you," joked John. " It’s just global warming, you know, crazy weather and all that."

"I told you!" yelled Rachel from the other room.


[edit on 7-9-2008 by Pamie]



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