I know there's people around here who suffer from depression -- whether it's full-on, clinical, need-to-take-your-meds depression or it's just "man, life really sucks today" style depression. We all have good days and bad days, and sometimes a rant just doesn't cut it; you need to let stuff out without necessarily being angry, you want someone to listen and talk to about your problems.

I'd like to start this thread -- and hopefully this is a good place for it, if not, please move it as necessary -- where people can discuss whatever problems they have, or tell their stories about depression, without worrying about being judged. That's the biggie there, not judging anyone who posts here. It can be done; I've seen it elsewhere on the internet in places where giving someone a hard time would even be justified.

I'm not exactly expecting this to be a hot thread; on a good day, who really wants to talk about their problems? And on a bad day, most of the time you just don't feel like doing anything. I understand that completely. But if you ever need to get some stuff out of your system, feel free to post as much or as little as you like.

As a disclaimer, I'm not a psychologist, or psychiatrist. I'm a software developer without any medical training whatsoever; I do suffer from depression/anxiety issues, and I'm currently under going treatment for said afflictions, but that's the extent of my background on the subject. Any thing I say -- or anyone, for that matter, even if they claim to be a medical professional -- should only be taken with a huge chunk of salt and used at your own risk. That said, I think most people here would be smart enough and caring enough to give sound advice, but still, "buyer-beware".

Here's an ear open for anyone who wants to share. I'll prime the pump with my own story/griping/whining if it seems everyone's a little shy, but we'll give it a while before that at least.

[edit on 9/5/2008 by MCory1]

Okay, as I said, I'll go ahead and prime the pump here with my own story of depression.

First off, I called this thread "In the Fight" because that's what it feels like most of the time -- I'm fighting against myself, basically just to let myself be happy. That's how I refer to it to myself, when I'm in a "bad spot": I'm In the Fight. Anyways...

Honestly, and I don't want to sound like I'm bragging at all, but I have a pretty good life. I've got a good paying job, a beautiful wife, a nice home, family that cares about me, a car that actually works now, etc. But still, and generally with only minimal reason, I get more miserable than anyone ever should.

It's always with some kind of a trigger, trivial or not -- rough day at work, rejection letter from an agent, fight with the wife, whatever. Something happens, and I just want to give up. I mean to the point where, at best, I want to just crawl into bed and sleep until I'm better, or at worst, I seriously consider suicide. I mean to the point where I've actually researched the most efficient, convenient methods given my capabilities, preferences, and available materials.

Its not fun, to say the least, for me or my wife. Unfortunately, as I'm sure anyone who has the joys of depression can confirm, it isn't something you can just "snap out of". Heck, trying to snap out of it just makes it worse, more often than not -- then you not only are depressed, but you also have the pressure of trying to be happy when you're not, just to make those around you happy. Trying to think of how so many people are worse off than you doesn't help either; then you start beating yourself up because you're too weak to handle regular "life".

For me, work is the biggest trigger -- I don't handle stress very well, and it's still a fairly new job (April 2008), so on top of the pressure of getting things done (and that's enough to do a lot of people in; my understanding is that there's a relatively high turn over rate here in my department), I also have the added benefit of not knowing what's going on.

And, as an added bonus, as I alluded to above it's taking it's toll on my wife as well. When I'm miserable, of course I make her miserable, and as strong as she is, it's starting to show. So that's a lovely cycle sometimes: I'm in a bad mood for x reason, which upsets her, which upsets me, which ...

For my part of the "story", basically the feces truly hit the fan a few weeks ago. I overdosed on Xanax trying to escape from work, basically. FWIW, I call it an "unintentional" overdose; it wasn't accidental, but I wasn't trying to punch my ticket either. It just didn't have the effects I'd expected, so I kept taking more trying to get that calm-and-relaxed feeling I'd been told it would give me. Didn't happen, and I spent three days in a chemical-dependency/psych-ward hospital.

It was interesting, and while I wouldn't do it again (at least, not that I'm thinking now), I wouldn't have traded it for the world. It was a wake up call, told me that there was something really wrong with me. I'd already had "issues" before, but they were relatively minor compared with this.

Anyways, I'm trying to take care of it. I'm seeing a therapist on a regular basis -- twice a week for now -- and a psychiatrist for medication. That's the hardest part, is deciding to get help. For me, it was, at least. Admitting that it's more than just being a bit in the dumps, that it was something I needed to talk to a professional about.

That's a big difference too -- talking to a professional instead of just griping to your friends. For one thing, you put a lot of weight on someone's shoulders by depending on them like that. A professional, well, that's their job. A friend can give you a leg to stand on, but they can't necessarily teach you how to walk again.

Well, that's my story, kinda. Not really much of a story, more of an essay almost, I guess, but that's it in a nutshell. The floor's open if anyone else wants to take a swing.

Hello MCory

I would rather not share my story with the whole world but I suffer from "diagnosed" depression & anxiety.

The funny thing is I seem to get better when I stopped taking meds and getting out of therapy. When you focus so much on being "sick" I think you can't get better.

My education is in Psychology and I work with mentally ill persons.

Thank you for starting this thread. If it helps even one person to get through the hell of depression then you've done a good thing.

The last time I was in a discussion about depression it was when Yahoo had private rooms and absolutely no control in the discussions. It was a mistake to go there and was one of the darkest places I've ever been on the Internet. All the private rooms were eventually closed due to lawsuits.
With the moderators we have I am sure this will not get out of hand as that did.

I hope you are doing well at this time. I've had a very good 2 months since my last dip into what I call the well of hell. It is a dark, cold, hopeless place to be.

I do have a story to tell but don't have time tonight to give it my best. Tropical Hanna is passing by our coast tonight and my family and I are going to walk on the beach. The weather channel people are there too.

Will continue this tomorrow.

Best wishes to you and your family.

fishneedh2o:
No worries -- sharing is a big deal, and not necessarily for everyone. I understand what you mean about getting off of everything; for some people I imagine that's the best way to go, for the reason you gave. My main problem is I focus on being "sick" whether I'm undergoing treatment or not, so I might as well contribute to someone's Mercedes while I'm making myself miserable

dizziedame:
The community here -- mods especially, but the regular members as well -- was one of the main reasons I wanted to start this. As you point out, there's comparatively few places on the internet where people can discuss the problems in their lives without getting razzed by some troll. I've been part of some pretty heated discussions here in the past -- and read many more than I was a part of -- and the civility here really can't be easily matched even in the worst of debates. The only other place I've seen online that's reasonably good when it comes to a lack of judging was a suicide-focused newsgroup. They handle themselves quite well, but at the same time, reading a large list of people who have the urge to "catch the bus" (as they call it) does more harm than good when you're in a down time.

I'm doing alright for now; at this moment I'm a little tired, but it's a "normal" tired -- just didn't get enough sleep last night. The past few weeks I've been in my own version of your "well", but I'm out of it for the time being. Hope the storm was a good sight -- and that it's well enough away from you to be enjoyable.

Originally posted by MCory1
I know there's people around here who suffer from depression
… you want someone to listen and talk to about your problems
.…where people can discuss whatever problems they have, or tell their stories about depression

thanks for the thread

i am a bit confused these days.
dunno if i just feel bad or if it is a real depression.
therefore i also need some advices how i could deal with the matter - sure no medical advice but advice by people who are familiar with such storys.

really dunno how to start.
i am seperated from my "hubby" for 2 years now - which is pretty ok.
during my marriage i was under constant pressure.
he got high ethical demands which i wasn.t able to full fill and i really didn.t wanted to full fill.
one of his demand was "being honest about EVERYTHING" which meant i had to tell him everything but it wouldn.t be handled the same way by him. he was a kind of professional councelor and therefore he acted in fights like me being his patient which didn.t solved the situation.

the issue which led to seperation was him reading my emails in which i talked to friends about my situation - like i do it now - and he accused me of being illoyal (he just read my mail on purpose !) and refused to talk to me for a week - i was so despreate at that time that for the first time in my life i thought the easiest solution would be to jump infront of driving cars!
his "reason" for not talking to me was: "that's the way i treat traitors"

then we seperated - i felt better! much better
laughter came back into my life, i was able to find my humor again
i started to work self employed and for about 9 months it worked pretty fine
than my only customer refused for really no reason - be assured i don.t want to present myself as a victim - to work with me anymore
ok than welfare, and i was able to gain some more customers but not enough to be independent from welfare

the situation now is
completely welfare with very little work with customers
i feel paralyzed, dunno what to do
longing for a partner, but still feel abhorent as my hubby called me - - yeah i need some more selfconfident

got some friends but i feel that they are backtracking.
situation changed - they got families i am a single mom with 1 son

my second best friend recently moved to london - she was the one with whom i use to go out when having a little spare time

my best friend is backtracking due to own depression, to much work in life, and to much trouble. i can.t talk to her on the phone coz she doesn.t like it and therefore she doesn.t answer it
this morning she called me, telling me she feels misrable, that she can.t talk, that she wil get back to me and that she loves me
haning up i was lelft with something i can.t describe.
wasn.t able to cry, although there was so much pressure in my that i wanted to cry
than i sat down and didn.t only ask myself, what this "love ya" of my friend is worthwhile, i also started to think what is about my life
is it really a life?

i just feel blue, am hardly able to eat, feeling really paralyzed, tired all the time, waking up to often during the night, and don.t lets talk about my flat.
i am getting up only because my son needs me to get his lunch done and all that stuff

what shall i do? could it be a problem because of the lack of some iron? i am really confued
sorry maybe it is wrong to write it here in this thread - maybe it is just a rant
but i wish i could be able to feel joy, to laugh, to cry just to feel myself again,
i really have no clue who i am?

edit to ad:
i would rather spend my days in bed or at least underneath the table with a blanket covering me - i can.t sleep that much to being awake - although if i sleep 8 or 10 hours



[edit on 9-9-2008 by orange-light]

Hi orange-light, and thanks for sharing. I can understand a good bit of how you feel, and I can well imagine the rest. And I know what you mean -- sometimes jumping in front of a car does seem the best solution. Not exactly my method of choice, but I know how you feel. Same with wanting to sleep all day, or only getting up because someone needs you -- that's a blessing in disguise, believe it or not. Even having that small something to keep you going -- fixing someone's lunch for them (in my case it's taking care of my dog) -- is worth its weight in gold. You may not necessarily think so now -- or ever -- but it is.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do? (You said you're self employed, but there's lots of possibilities there...) Is it something that you enjoy doing, just for the sake of doing it, or something that you enjoy because you can do it and do it on your own?

You say you want to feel joy again; I understand that 100%. That's kinda where I'm at in my therapy. My therapist was talking to me about it the other day -- something along the lines of "Sometimes joy is given to you, sometimes it's something you need to create yourself." It really stood out to me, if nothing else because she, like you, used the word "joy" instead of happiness. I know, that's a stupid distinction, but there is a difference there, though it's one too subtle for me to explain.

Maybe that's what you should try doing for a bit: try to create joy for yourself. Find something -- even something small, like a cookie or a cigarette or a book -- and try to let yourself enjoy it as much as possible. It's hard, and it sounds stupid, but see if you can't figure out a way to get as much out of it as you can.

What I'm thinking, is that joy -- or happiness, if you'd rather -- is kinda like money. You can start off with a little bit of it, like from a cookie for example, and then take that and reinvest it in something a little bigger. Happiness (and the lack thereof, as well) colors your whole view -- just a light shade sometimes -- to where things look a little different. When you're happy, things have a more positive effect, so you get happier. When you're unhappy, everything has a more negative effect, so everything makes you unhappier.

Try doing that, starting off with small pleasures that might bring a little smile, and use them as frequently as you can -- not so much they lose their effect, which is really easy to do, but often enough to keep the happy-stuff flowing for a while.

I know it's a lot easier said than done, but you already took the hardest step and that's talking about it.

hi MCory1
thanks for your reply

i know that somebody needing you in such a situation is a mercy! although i most of the times feel like i don.t want to participate in such a mercy!
at the beginning of my marriage i had had 2 misscarriages and in that situation i was quiet happy being owned by 2 cats who demanded me to care for them!
and today it is my son and other 2 cats
but sometimes it is to much what they are demanding
but i gues you know what i mean

i would have sweard that i don.t have anxietys but than i detected i am afraid of swallowing, i fear to choke on my food by swalloing -so soup works very well for me
most panic occurs with spaghetti!
isn.t that crazy

for joy
yeah you are quiet right
and i guess it is better to take one little step after the other
small goals to reach
but as i told another friend yesterday i most times lack the strength for these steps

but ok i am in
i will try and find at least one thing a day that brings me joy!

today it happend already in the morning
my older cat is somewhat shy and never sits on a lap
but he came to my bed and sat on top of my body and making nice snorring sounds
that was wonderful i really enjoyed that

selfemployment
i am a graphic designer and my job gives me a great pleasure
i really love doing that
for hobby i am also a writer
but these days i am not able to write but i am still able to design
so even with few jobs to do i am designing - you can have a look at my avatar-thread which show you something i did
it is kinda funny even feeling so blue i haven.t lost my "eye" which means to me i am running around watching certain scenes or structures and getting ideas what to do with it!

is it easier to cope with it while having a therapy or seeing a doctor?

Whenever I hear someone talk about this I always think of this line from I heart Huckabees.

"When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are"

@mcory1
thanks for your input
i guess i will give the thereapists a try
we will see what the doc might think is necessary

what are you writing?
sounds really intersting
and it is great that you are now able to do the stuff you want to do
that you have got the energy!


@Perfectenemy05
what do you exactly mean?
sorry i am not really able to understand

Thank you MCory and orangelight for being open to sharing your stories.

orangelight -- I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist. My own experience has been that I cannot find my way out of the darkness alone. I have found that seeing a Clinical Social Worker for "talk therapy" and a separate psychopharmacologist for chemical stabilizing works best for me. A C.S.W. would also be a good person to discuss any concerns you might have about how your emotional state might affect your child.

One thing I have particularly appreciated about my experience with C.S.W.s is that they seem more focused on the "getting better" part and less on the "labeling the problem" part of depression. But that may just be my experience, I'm not really sure.

Some other things I've found helpful:
Make myself go for a walk every day. Even if it's just around the block.
Make sure I eat. If I'm having a hard time doing so, buy some Ensure.
Forgive myself if I can't do anything at all.

I also wonder if it might help to get involved with a support group for women who have left abusive relationships. Something like that can help show you how you can use the terrible things you've been through to help others along the way.

Above all, best wishes to everyone else who deals with depression. I know that for me, it is a comfort to know that others have been in the same bleak places I've been and gotten through it.

@americandingbat
i insist to visit a doctor and therapist
have to figure out who would be the best coz living in germany we have a different system

btw. how do you deal with friends, colleagues etc.
i got different ways people react
some are: "keep smiling" or "just pull yourself together" (added with: when i was young people haven.t had such problems!)
today i got a new one: there are so many people who lead a much worser life
yeah

logically speaken, they might be right
but to me it doesn.t work that way!