Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: A WHAT?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not too expensive.
Arthur; Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(music)

Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem....
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!
Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm".
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: Oh not another shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!

God: What are you doing now?

King Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.

God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing. Now knock it off!



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.

Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.

Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.

Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.

Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.

Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.

Sir Lancelot: Am not.

Galahad: There it is!

Arthur: The Bridge of Death!

Robin: Oh, great.

Arthur: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!

Bedevere: What is he doing here?

Arthur: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions--

Galahad: Three questions.

Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--

Galahad: Three questions.

Arthur: Three questions may cross in safety.

Robin: What if you get a question wrong?

Arthur: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

Robin: Oh, I won't go.

Galahad: Who's going to answer the questions?

Arthur: Sir Robin!

Robin: Yes?

Arthur: Brave Sir Robin, you go.

Robin: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?

Launcelot: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s--

Arthur: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--

Galahad: Three questions.

Arthur: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray.

Launcelot: I understand, my liege.

Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.

Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Launcelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Launcelot: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Launcelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Launcelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go.

Launcelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Robin: That's easy!

Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Robin: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?

[pause]

Robin: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

Bridgekeeper: Stop! What... is your name?

Galahad: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Galahad: I seek the Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Galahad: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh!

Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?

Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?

Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!

[A magnificent castle stands before them.]

King Arthur: Camelot.

Sir Galahad: Camelot!

Sir Lancelot: Camelot.

Patsy: It's only a model.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]

Sir Galahad: What a strange person.

King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--

Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

[edit on 5/9/2008 by Kryties]

Narrator:

"They were forced to eat Sir Robin's minstrels...and there was much rejoicing..."

also Narrator:

"And as the Black Beast lurched forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!"

Bridgekeeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Sir Lancelot: Blue.

Bridgekeeper: [Suddenly friendly] Right. Off you go.

Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]

Sir Robin: That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]

Bridgekeeper: STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?

Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?

Sir Robin: I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]

[Arthur and the other Knights realise that this will not be as easy as they thought. Galahad then approaches the Bridge.]

Bridgekeeper: STOP! What... is your name?

Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?

Sir Galahad: Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]

Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?

King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?

King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper: What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Bridgekeeper: Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]

Sir Bedevere: [to Arthur] How do you know so much about swallows?

King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.





[edit on 5/9/2008 by Kryties]

Haahaa we got moved to BTS!!!

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

Monks: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

Arthur: [holding the Holy Hand Grenade] How does it, um — how does it work?

Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

Brother Maynard: Amen.

Knights: Amen.

Arthur: Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!

Galahad: Three, sir.

Arthur: THREE!

[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]