Women, Sex and Marriage

I've received and read plenty of those emails that do the rounds comparing men and women in relationships in a 'humorous' way.

My favorite quote is:

'Women marry men expecting they will change but they don't.
Men marry women expecting they will not change but they do.'

Judging from the amount of Men/Women jokes out there, this must be a fairly accurate generalisation.

The one I never really believed though, was the assertion that sex ends with marriage - until I got married!

I know there are some pretty smart and aware ladies on these boards, so could one of you please explain why marriage kills a woman's sexual desire for her husband?

For the men: is this the main reason/excuse a man would consider taking a mistress? If a wife becomes disinterested in sex but the husband still has full desire, should the wife accept that a mistress is a logical and necessary solution?

Feel free to share your opinions and research, however, personal experience would be even more appreciated. If you are willing, let us know your current sex and marital status when you post

Originally posted by RogerT
I've received and read plenty of those emails that do the rounds comparing men and women in relationships in a 'humorous' way.

My favorite quote is:

'Women marry men expecting they will change but they don't.
Men marry women expecting they will not change but they do.'

Judging from the amount of Men/Women jokes out there, this must be a fairly accurate generalisation.

The one I never really believed though, was the assertion that sex ends with marriage - until I got married!

I know there are some pretty smart and aware ladies on these boards, so could one of you please explain why marriage kills a woman's sexual desire for her husband?

Caveat: This is a generalization and does not happen to all married couples.

However, it does happen to a lot of them. I believe there are many reasons. There are the usual romance stoppers: kids, getting higher up in a career means working more, stress from bills, etc. These contribute significantly. But I think the biggest reason married women's (or women in a couple who have been together for a long time) sexual desire begins to dwindle is that men stop being romantic.

Women don't want to sleep with a husband who they think has stopped caring about them. When their husband stops opening the door for them, stops caring about their day, stops flirting, stops showing romantic interest in her, it makes a women feel vulnerable. Sleeping with someone who makes a woman feel vulnerable goes absolutely contrary to every evolutionary instinct passed down through the millennia.

There's also the fact that a few years into a marriage some people will let themselves go. If a man wouldn't find his wife attractive after she's stopped dressing attractively and taking care of herself, why should the reverse be true? Marriage takes work, and keeping yourself attractive is part of that work.

For the men: is this the main reason/excuse a man would consider taking a mistress? If a wife becomes disinterested in sex but the husband still has full desire, should the wife accept that a mistress is a logical and necessary solution?

I'm going to answer this even though it wasn't addressed to me.

I think there are a LOT of reasons a man would become unfaithful to his wife. But having a mistress is different than serial cheating with lots of different women. I'm not saying it's morally more acceptable, just that I think it means the cause is something different.

I think that if a man takes a mistress it's because he is unhappy with his wife's uxorious performance. Duh, you say. He wouldn't cheat if he were happy with her. But to this I say he is unhappy with things other than her lack of sexual desire. He is unhappy with all the other things a wife is supposed to do. A mistress is like a surrogate wife, or a girlfriend. A man spends time with her, does things with her, has fun with her. A lot of times she is a younger, less cynical version of what he wants wishes his wife were like, or maybe how she used to be at the beginning. This man wants a certain kind of relationship, but thinks it is impossible to have or doesn't desire it to be with his current wife.

A man who cheats with a lot of different women doesn't desire a relationship with another woman. He just wants sex. Maybe for adventure. Maybe because his wife doesn't want to anymore. Maybe he doesn't find her attractive anymore, even though she is still very willing. Maybe he's bored with her. But he doesn't want to get to know the women he cheats with. He doesn't want a relationship with them. This is how his cheating is different from 'mistress guy'.

Feel free to share your opinions and research, however, personal experience would be even more appreciated. If you are willing, let us know your current sex and marital status when you post

I've been married 5 months and my husband and I have been together 5 years. These are only my opinions and are substantiated by my own personal experiences and the experiences I have observed of friends, relatives, colleagues, etc.

A lot of sense in your post.

Not sure you nailed it regarding the mistress vs lots of different cheat partners though. Generally, from my observations, a mistress provides easy access to sex on a regular basis, without the 'wifey/family' stuff being present. When the mistress starts looking for a bit more 'commitment' or 'status', that would be the time the guy will start looking for a new mistress

The 'romantic' issue bothers me. Many things a husband did as a lover were romantic, yet as a husband the very same acts become irritating, boring or silly. I wonder if it is possible for a husband to continue being as romantic as he was before marriage, not because he can't do the same stuff, but rather because romance tends to be portrayed and therefore represented as a 'tall dark handsome stranger performing selfless and crazy acts to win a fair maidens attention and favors'

Once the fair maiden has given herself into the bondage of marriage, romance becomes something she witnesses amongst her single friends and in the movies, and craves without the hope of satisfaction from her dull and boring hubbie.

As a male, our biology forever calls for us to 'spread our seed' as far and wide as possible. Is not our overcoming of this genetic tendency and commitment to a single female for life, and our dedication to her protection, security and well being, one of the most romantic acts possible?

Just wanted to give this a quick bump now the US has come online

I notice a lot of people viewing and even a flag or two but only one response. Genuinely would like some feedback.

xx

[edit on 30-8-2008 by RogerT]

Women don't want to sleep with a husband who they think has stopped caring about them. When their husband stops opening the door for them, stops caring about their day, stops flirting, stops showing romantic interest in her, it makes a women feel vulnerable. Sleeping with someone who makes a woman feel vulnerable goes absolutely contrary to every evolutionary instinct passed down through the millennia.

I agree. There is something that changes from the dating phase sex, to everyday run of the mill marital sex, that makes it feel more like an obligation and chore, than an actual expression of love. Just one more thing we "need" to do. Which can cause guilt and resentment of sex. Because most women do not "need" sex, like apparently a man does, it loses its sense of "specialness". When a woman has resentments about things that happen in a relationship, the last thing she wants to do is let her husband "relieve" himself through her. When a woman is emotional in a negative way, even if she has had a bad day, the last thing on our minds is sex. Although you could convince us, with a mood alterer such as a back rub or doing something for us that makes us feel appreciated. "I see you aren't in a good place, why don't you take a bath and relax, I will cook dinner, or help the kids with homework", or "I will give you a back rub" will most likely be the best foreplay you can do. The dishes, or something. Anything. Something that says I care about you. Because with all our grocery shopping, cleaning, organizing, planning, child caring, cooking, folding, feeding pets, our job, the banking, the etc, we are doing it for "you" and "everyone else".
It becomes a way to control what we are "forced" to do. We withhold because we are not so sure we have anything more to give after a long day, or weeks of over stress. I think it is a sign that the woman is not happy in the marriage, lonely, stressed out, and or angry and resentful about something that is not "talked" about. Women need to be told, maybe more than you would expect, that we are loved and appreciated. But not 2 minutes before you are ready to have sex. It works in the reverse. "he is only saying that because he wants to have sex". "He is only touching me or hugging me, because he wants to have sex" Our reaction is "the hell you are, buddy, I have a headache". (and she probably does)

[edit on 30-8-2008 by seagrass]

Kids can be a huge drain, trust me. If my husband and I didn't PLAN sex on a regular basis, well . . . we would never have it.

And I agree that all marriages are not the same and do not go through this same deal. I'm sure it's different with each couple. The best suggestion I can offer is to always be open and ready to communicate about anything--especially sex.

Maybe she just feels like she's gotten into a nice groove here.

Women complain about the same thing. Many men lose interest as well.

The kids thing, yep. That can be a killer. Planning for sex may not seem romantic, but if ya don't under some circumstances, well, have fun masturbating. I'd rather get it than not. Kids do grow up. Things change. Your sex life is ever-changing, ever evolving.

If a guy is going to cheat on his wife, he will always be able to justify it by blaming her... when the truth of the matter is that it's his own hangup.

Then there is the whole Madonna/Whore issue. Once a woman becomes his wife and mother of his children, she is less attractive sexually to him. So he blames her, and finds a different woman who he will label a whore so he can enjoy his dirty little sex games again, all the while blaming the woman for his own inadequacies.

This is an age old issue... we are all just human, and sex can be fun. The point is... if you would be upset if your wife was doing the same thing with another man, then perhaps you should not be doing what you are. Treat others with the same amount of respect and dignity that you yourself demand from a relationship.

Yankeerose, you aren't listening - I thought that was a 'male' issue

If I suddenly switched from twice a day to twice a month when 'pushed' then yes, I would expect my wife would have a good case for seeking sex elsewhere if the physical act were important to her.

Either I give her what she wants and needs, or we find a compromise which may involve infidelity.

Very selfish of me to expect her to give up such an important part of her essence, especially when I regularly and enthusiastically supported and encouraged those needs and wants prior to us making a mutual lifetime commitment to each other.

I may not be happy about her sleeping with another man, but if the shop refuses to sell what's on display then you go to another shop that will, no?

Originally posted by RogerTI know there are some pretty smart and aware ladies on these boards, so could one of you please explain why marriage kills a woman's sexual desire for her husband?

Hmmm.. wasn't aware of this Marriage never killed urges in that area, for me at least, although I know g/friends of mine have complained that they are just toooo busy to take care of their man bc of the overwhelming burden of family in general. I just never saw it that way I felt appreciative for what my (at the time) man had given me and was giving us.

I am divorced now, although that was not the factor in killing the marriage. Not about to air out the dirty laundry here though

I almost feel sad for both the men and women that are experiencing such things bc that part of the relationship, the sex part, is a VERY important action that keeps things fun and interesting. *ALMOST* sad, but not quite.

Yes, the burden of kids and other family duties can certainly be a major factor in deadening the libido

What I find interesting about your post is 'take care of the man' which seems common in a lot of the female posts I read on ATS.

This puzzles me greatly, as my experience of sex has always been either the other way around or at least a mutual thing.

It's only recently that I ever experienced being 'taken care of' sexually and to be honest it makes me feel somewhat neanderthal. The last thing I want is for sex to become a duty.

Hi. I am an American, single straight 33 year old female. Never been married, so I can only give observations about a few marriages I know details about.

I don't think sex always ends with marriage, nor should it, for a healthy marriage to stay healthy. I do think, though, that many couples, and maybe women in general, are just too tired after work, taking care of the house, and kids to 1) be in the mood and 2) feel "sexy." And for most women, a lot of sex is mental. I also think it depends on the couple, and their feelings toward each other, and the marriage itself.

Two examples- One couple is married, has been for 8 years. The husband works full time nights, the wife works part time nights. They have a very healthy sex life. They also, unfortunately, cannot have children- they have been "trying" for years, and she already had one ectopic pregnancy. They are in a healthy, loving marriage.

Another couple is now separated. They got married becuase she was pregnant, and she had not been in love with her husband for years- the only time they had sex was when she really drunk, like once every couple months. She was terrified of getting pregnant again. Add to that that she was concerned about finances, as he was kind of a loser. She was also worked from home, and was the primary caretaker of their son. Obviously, not a healthy, loving marriage.

Did that all make sense? I hope so. Because I forgot the OP's original thought/question.

reply to post by RogerT



sheesh! well, I have heard of this so called "duty" factor where sex is involved.. but come on, if we are being honest that is, how can sex be looked at as a duty? I take it there are some very unimaginative ppl walking the planet these days.

OK, that was misrepresented then, sorry.

Here's the question (and I am of course generalising):

Why is it that women are just as keen to engage in frequent and passionate sex during the 'courtship' but once they have 'won' their man and have him committed and out of the 'game', sex becomes something that the man now often exclusively wants and the woman must either grant as a favor, put up with, or deny?

Men are often accused of losing interest in their wife and seeking titilation elsewhere - perhaps it's not so simple as that. Maybe men become frustrated at the switch from hot to cold which they do not understand, so they go looking for heat elsewhere.

Men often get the blame for failing to ignite the fires as they once did, however, as I posted earlier, men do not change much, they continue to do the same things they did before and are perplexed that those things nolonger produce the same results.

[edit on 31-8-2008 by RogerT]

I'm not married yet, but we have been together for 5 years now. I am still def. interested in sex. But, I also have a nine month old son. There are many times where I start the day with the intentions of being romantic when my b/f comes home. But, by the time he gets home and I get the baby fed, bathed, and put to bed.. I'm exhausted and just want to go to sleep myself. Kids change everything. I wouldn't have it any other way, but it does cause some rough waves in my relationship at times. Good question!

RogerT I'd love to shed some light on this for you, but am afraid I am the last person to be advising on this subject. It did however pique my interest being a somewhat newly married 29 yr old woman whose husband doesn't seem to want to have sex anymore.

Feels like we're that 50 yrs married old couple already and I can't for the life of me understand what is going on. I've tried every possible fix to no avail so now I have just backed off so he doesn't feel pressured. Still nothing.
Working long hours don't cut it no more. Lots of ppl work a lot and still find time/have the desire for sex right ?

I wish ppl who did this to their spouses understood just how disrespectful and neglectful it feels.

So it goes both ways no doubt!

Perhaps it's just that some ppl aren't sexually compatible like that ? It really could be that simple, no ?

Originally posted by RogerT
A lot of sense in your post.

Not sure you nailed it regarding the mistress vs lots of different cheat partners though. Generally, from my observations, a mistress provides easy access to sex on a regular basis, without the 'wifey/family' stuff being present. When the mistress starts looking for a bit more 'commitment' or 'status', that would be the time the guy will start looking for a new mistress

Well like I said, that's just how I sees it .

The 'romantic' issue bothers me. Many things a husband did as a lover were romantic, yet as a husband the very same acts become irritating, boring or silly. I wonder if it is possible for a husband to continue being as romantic as he was before marriage, not because he can't do the same stuff, but rather because romance tends to be portrayed and therefore represented as a 'tall dark handsome stranger performing selfless and crazy acts to win a fair maidens attention and favors'

Once the fair maiden has given herself into the bondage of marriage, romance becomes something she witnesses amongst her single friends and in the movies, and craves without the hope of satisfaction from her dull and boring hubbie.

I have to absolutely, totally disagree. Romance never gets old unless a woman simply no longer feels the same way for a man. If a woman is still in love with a man the romance will hit home every time, not only bringing back memories of that original courtship, but also reinforcing the notion that he still loves her, still cares, and that she is still attractive and important to him. The only thing that would make romantic gestures that once melted a woman's heart become annoying to her is that her feelings have changed. Everyone has their off days, and sometimes we're really just not in the mood, but a little romance can easily change that.

I would say that, to use your example, a man uses romance to get a woman to marry him but once they are married he just stops bothering because that's something single people do to woo each other. And then once the romance goes out the window, so does the sex. Romance is something she craves but doesn't recieve from her 'dull and boring hubby.'

I also have to agree with seagrass that when a man only shows affection when he wants sex, it is the most pathetic thing ever. We see right through it. And it just turns us off even more.

As a male, our biology forever calls for us to 'spread our seed' as far and wide as possible. Is not our overcoming of this genetic tendency and commitment to a single female for life, and our dedication to her protection, security and well being, one of the most romantic acts possible?

I agree with you. It is impressively romantic (provided the man takes this oath seriously). However, as seagrass said, women need to have more affirmation than men. We need to be told and shown that we're still appreciated, still loved, still attractive or else the romance of the wedding day starts to seem like 'that was then, this is now.'

Men often get the blame for failing to ignite the fires as they once did, however, as I posted earlier, men do not change much, they continue to do the same things they did before and are perplexed that those things nolonger produce the same results.

Perhaps you answered your own question there. It is boring. Mix it up a little.. Surprise us.

Two things go wrong when people get married. Men figure they don't need to wine, dine, or be romantic to their wives anymore. And women feel they have to change a man in order to make them "housebroken".

These two things combined ruins a perfectly good sex life. Women want that perfect guy that they themselves have molded and refined into the man she really wishes she married. Men feel that after the marriage they have conquered this territory and there is no longer any mystery to it.

The one line that a woman can say that will ultimately destroy any hope at a good sex life again is the phrase, "is sex all you think about?" guess what lady? You might as well pack up now, cause down the road your going to regret that statement. Cause that get's translated in a guys mind as, "I don't want you anymore" So the guy feels rejected and eventually will stop trying to woo you at all.

Guys in long term relationships screw up by not being romantic, not being spontaneous and settling into a rut. This translates in a woman's mind into "hes not interested in me anymore"

My suggestion to guys. Be spontaneous, be romantic, be exciting to your woman. Don't pressure her for sex, and don't neglect her either.

My advice to women. Don't try and change your guy, if your man isn't the guy you really want don't waste his time by marring him. You both will just end up unhappy in the end.

i like when chicks get with dudes so they will pay their bills

WUK pretty much summed it up methinks.

My situation is a lil different to what we are discussing here but I am just so unnerved at this that I am looking for answers every and anywhere.
I've never tried to change my husband, I just want him to desire me like I do him. He says it isn't me, tells me I am beautiful etc ... but still won't touch me.

I don't even know how to approach him with whatever issues he may have. He isn't much of a talker so talking to him has just failed me in the past.


Frustrating!



[edit on 1-9-2008 by ImJaded]