Hey people I would just like to share with you an illness i have got and will most probaly have till the day i die and my experiences and the thoughts
that come with it.
you will have to excuse the spellings grammer and the things that might not make sense so here goes,
Grew up in a normal working class house in Nottingham,England most prob went through same thing as everyone else family arguments,drunkeness and just
everday things that could test everyone but we got bye and nothing bad happened that would make people think i am the way i am today, had a normal
life in school until i hit 15, just coming up to my g.c.s.e's was in top class at most things apart from me maths and english which you could most
probs tell the further you read but one day our teacher was pulling us out one by one, think he was giving everyone a pep talk making sure we was all
on our game,anyway what happened to me changed my life as he was giving me this talk to me on my own i got the most uneasy feeling and started to
shake uncontrollaby then another teacher walked in the room and the feeling got worse the more i shaked the more i tried to control it and the worse
it got,i just felt like i had to leave the room but i didnt, they must of seen how bad i was but they didnt say or do anything, it wasnt the stress of
my exams cuz they didnt really bother me or the fact that they were both staring at me but this was like someone had just switched on something in my
body that couldnt be stopped.
all that night i was thinking about this and i still felt in a state of kinda shock, went school next day and when you are at school your always in
situations were your put on the spot and i couldnt handle them anymore, i couldnt do anything that was seen in the eyes of many people just the
thought of everyone looking at me would put me in what i called to myself the Fear,an uncontrollable state that i knew i could not handle which i
later found out was anxiety. i carried on this way until my exams which i wasnt even going to show up for because i couldnt be in a room with that
many people but i knew i had to go otherwise it would f**k up my life forever without any exam results, so i got through them shaking the whole 2
weeks they went on, the more and more i thought of what was happening to me the worse it got, i couldnt do anything even go in a shop, catch a bus
even sit at a table with me mam or dad and have dinner it was horrible, so i left school didnt do much for a couple of months got my exam results and
did pretty well, but life was just starting, the time when youre meant to be most independant felt even more scarier than it would for any other what
i thought was a normal kid.
by this time The Fear had got worse and worse it controlled my life and i didnt tell anybody about it for about two years just dealt with it, well i
didnt deal with it i avoided the things that put me in awkard situations that would make me worse than i already would when on my own,now i was
getting pressured into finding a job which was the worst thing that could of happened to a 17 18 yr old scared out his wits, so i took the easy route
in the end but at the start i was going to interviews after a couple of cans of strong cider which i started to realise was the only thing that gave
me confidence. So i ended up working with my uncle just labouring which i enjoyed and did give me a bit of confidence but not enough, i then started
to go out at night to pubs and clubs but i could never go out without having a beer first to calm me down otherwise i could never go and socialise but
even when i got to the pub i couldnt go to the bar, i had to get one of my friends to go for me and the first pint i had i always went to the toilet
with it and necked it while nobody was there cuz if i had drank it in the pub my hand would be shaking without me wanting it to and i felt at the time
poeple would of looked at me funny.
more and more i worked with my uncle finally got the courage to tell him about what was happening to me, but dont think he quite understood althought
he did tell me it was anxiety, so one night at my mates i went on the internet and googled it up and to my astonishment and it really was, i started
to read im not alone and it made me feel like i wasnt a weirdo anymore cuz for years i thought i was, and i was reading things that i was going
through and how i was with the shakes, and the sweating and the urge to just leave a room without a look back or a goodbye to the people i was talking
to. just made me feel better to go to a doctor for help cuz it could be controlled (well thats what i thought) so i got boozed up and decided to go to
the doctors and gave it my all and told them everything and to this day i still dont think they understood what it was, so they decided to prescribe
me with medication to control the anxiety (cant remeber which 1s they werent beta blockers or anything like that)which i now knew what was affecting
me, i started to take these tablets and for couple of days i felt sick to my stomach i was spewing all the time and my body felt like it had just
stopped functioning, and it carried on for nearly on 6 months i was taking them and they started to make me depressed and the depression turned more
severe and severe i just stopped doing things couldnt even be bothered to get out of bed and when i did i could go days on days without sleep, thats
when i started contemplating suicide so one night, and this is hard to type and i am ashamed by it i just slit my wrists i thought f**k this not
digging it anymore i cant carry on dragging my self through days and days of clinging on hoping some good will come, was in hospital couple of days
and they reffered me to a pshyciatrist who i had to go and see every month and it was a complete waste of time in the end she ended up saying we cant
do anything for you, which completely topped the whole lot off for me and since then i have tried two overdoses which in the end my body was too
strong too give in too, but now i have have gave up hope of help and have become more dependant on myself cuz nobody in the world can tell me how i am
feeling or how i should feel, i just learnt after ten years of this crap i been putting up with how to deal with it, dont think there is any geting
better or feeling it i consider myself quite an intelligent person and am sensitive to issues that upset me and think about them alot that could drive
people insane but i think i have gone above crazyness and just on that bit where i think deep and know i got a sense of well being in what i got, and
i know theres an amazing more percent of people who are happier than me and who have an enourmas sense of well being but i know there are the other
half who are happy with what they got and who are even worse off than me, so it keeps me sane. im not a believer in god or any other religions for
that matter im a strong atheist who believes or learnt to believe in myself cuz i found out the hard way thats all i could do, im not looking for the
a sympathy vote or is this a suicide note im just sharing my thoughts with you lot and hoping that anybody who reads this or has gone through the same
thing just remember your not alone and there is help out there for you just share your feelings man a problem shared is a problem halved dont be
afraid of what you are or to tell people what you are.
I aint got much more to say just thought i'd get it out there and share it if i could make one person feel happy knowing what they have and there not
alone it would make me happy.
if you have read this thankyou for taking yout time out and doing so!