reply to post by capgrup
Hey there capgrup,
I would say (without a seconds hesitation), that it is perfectly alright for you to step back from the situation. And the reason it's ok is because
(a) you have to live your own life to it's fullest and happiest ... without feeling guilty about someone elses problem (b) you cannot waste your own
life trying to help someone who does not want to be helped.
(let me explain);
I was married to an alcoholic for 21yrs ... yes, you did read that correctly I did say 21yrs (literally a lifetime), so I feel pretty well qualified
to speak on this subject of alcoholism from the perspective of those who have to watch the alcoholic in question killing themselves ... and depending
on the actions they exhibit (and these can vary enormously from alcoholic to alcoholic), potentially killing those closest to them either figuratively
speaking (life with an alcoholic is soul-destroying) ... or god-forbid literally.
My ex-husband (a violent alcoholic), was physically ... psychologically and emotionally abusive to me throughout our entire marriage ... and yet I
stayed with him so long mainly out of fear ... but also out of a misguided sense of loyalty.
He once stopped drinking for 6mths and it was great ... I didn't love him (that had been killed long before) ... but we were living a 'normal' life
... doing normal things. Then for no apparent reason he took the slippery slope again until he was even worse than before.
I could write pages on this subject but long story short ...
I finally filed for divorce after he assaulted our oldest son (18yrs old at the time) and his friend (one New Years Eve), with a double-barrelled
shotgun ... the reason for the assault ... our son hadn't asked permission for his friend to stay over !!! They were not drunk or loud and the only
reason the boy had stayed was because (being New Years Eve), he couldn't get a taxi home.
That was all a long time ago now and I live over a hundred miles away ... but he is still the same ... none of the children have anything to do with
him but in spite of that ... he still drinks ... he's still violent. And I think he will always be that way.
So don't ever feel an obligation to be part of any kind of relationship if it is damaging to YOU in any way (it took me a helluva long time to
And yes, alcoholism can run in families (my ex's parents had both been heavy drinkers - although not alcoholic) ... but my son (who was assaulted),
does not have a drink problem ... in fact he manages a pub (ironic hah) ? And don't assume that you may develop a problem because of the family
history. Just think about your dad ... for him to stop and be dry for 21yrs is an amazing thing ... and takes enormous strength of character. I always
have such admiration for those people who overcome drink and/or drug addiction ... it has to be the most difficult thing in the world.
If you do decide to step away don't have any regret or guilt ... but leave the door ajar ... so that if your brother ever manages to get his head
together you can tell him how proud you are ... and with a clear head he would understand your reasons without blame.
Good luck (if you ever want to chat you can u2u me). Woody