posted on Aug, 13 2008 @ 12:39 AM
How to become an ATS Moderator, the true version.
Step 1: Be manufactured. That's right, you must be manufactured. Simply being born out of the union of an egg and a sperm cell will not do. You must
be created as a mindless robot first.
Step 2: Get caught in a tornado, and be whisked away to the land of Oz.
Step 3: After landing in Oz, you will see a Yellow Brick Road to your left. Following it will take you to a city made of emeralds, ruled by a guy who
can give you a brain, a heart, and some courage. These might sound like useful things for a mindless robot to get, but it's not what you're here
for. Ignore that road, regardless of what all the weird short people and the MILF in the bubble tell you. The MILF in the bubble is wearing a red lace
thong. Knock her out and steal it.
Step 4: Turn to your right. You'll see a black wooden walkway. You'll follow this walkway. It leads to a castle built of onyx, and inside is a furry
little gnome with a big goiter and a Viagra T-Shirt. He'll turn around suddenly. You'll need to duck.
Step 5: Tell the gnome you'd like to purchase his goiter puss. He'll ask for a trade. Fortunately for you, he has a crush on the MILF in the bubble.
Offer him her stolen red panties (for God's sake, don't tell him you attacked her!) In return, he will poke his goiter with a fork and collect some
of the puss in a bottle for you.
Step 6: Start making your way back to Yellow Brick Road / Black Wooden Walkway Junction. When you get there, you should find that all those weird
short people are nearly comatose. They'll be alright, they're just on a major sugar crash. None of this is important, I just thought I'd tell you
so you wouldn't freak out and call 911. Anyways, take three of their lollypops and dip them in the Goiter Puss.
Step 7: Head down the Yellow Brick Road (Finally.) You're looking for a lion, a scarecrow, and a tin woodsman. There might be some dumb girl and a
dog tagging along with him; these two spares are expendable and can be executed if you feel like it. The other three have recently acquired important
items from the Wizard of Oz, which would never have been willfully given up to anyone seeking to be an ATS Moderator.. (ATS banned the freakin Wizard
for "hoaxing" after the Wizard said he could do magic and it turned out he was just a guy behind a curtain... how smart was that?)
Step 8: Once you locate your targets, take out your Goiter Pops and offer them the candy. They fall for it every time. Once they eat the candy, the
scarecrow will puke his brains out. The tin man will puke his heart out. The lion will puke his courage out. Steal the brains, the heart, and the
Step 9: You're going to need to steal some shoes now. I don't think it matters whose shoes really. Rumor has it they need to be made of rubies, but
I'm pretty sure the value of those would put that theft squarely into Felony territory. Just beat up some schmuck and take his Reeboks.
Step 10: Click your feet together and say, "There's no place like home!" Or say "Bloody Mary." Or "Beetlejuice." I don't really care. They
won't tell you this, but it's the clicking that does it. Oz has a real problem with tap dancers vanishing into thin air.
Step 11: You'll return to Kansas (or Pennsylvania, if you're really unlucky) and be able to log into ATS at the nearest computer. Now that you have
a heart, you have serenity. You have a brain, so you have wisdom. And you have courage, which I would think is necessary anyways to basically rip off
the entire freakin' continent of Oz. But I digress.
Step 12: Open your U2U's. You'll see a message from Admin or one of ATS's owners that says:
"You have been granted the Serenity to accept the things you cannot change, The courage to change the things you can, and the cool Edit, Ban, and
Warn buttons to destroy anyone that figures out which is which. Oh, and we just had you steal that guys brains because our pet zombie was hungry.
Peace out, new Moderator."
...No, I am not on meds...