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a piece of crap im working on and trying to expand but it isnt working

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posted on Mar, 12 2004 @ 06:30 PM
I stood. In the cold. My cheeks the color of carnations. I spoke of that meeting with the greatest reverie Passion was my new purpose, knowledge and even wisdom had escaped me entirely.

Regardless of pain and suffering.

I simply stood. I simply was. In the cold. In my own warmth.

And then she turned towards me and said...

"What is this love you speak of? This fairy tale, this gin of dreamers? How can you speak of love with such watered eyes and trembling fingers when it has never graced your lips or occupied your soul? You speak of something only knowing of it by what is told to you. For us, love is no emotion or feeling. Love is gossip, a story, the rumor we all wish was true."

And then I turned towards her, with her golden cross dangled around her neck and said...

"What makes it any different than your faith then?"

...I stood. In the cold. My cheeks the color of carnations.

And she fell. In the warmth of my arms. Her tears watering the roots of the end of her fear and disbelief, the beginning of her acceptance. Her passion.

And we stood. In the warmth of that which is not explained.

[Edited on 3-13-04 by Scat]

posted on Mar, 12 2004 @ 06:34 PM
Nice feel to it. Not a piece of crap at all. It evokes a sort of sense 40's noir....

posted on Mar, 12 2004 @ 06:36 PM
I did not think It was the steaming loaf of carp you described.. It needs a lead in .. Some background .. Its workable!

posted on Mar, 12 2004 @ 06:47 PM
suggestion: remove "And we stood. In the warmth of that which is not explained" and replace with...

And we stood. Basking in our mutual warmth radiatingly concentrated from within our shared hearts, our love-induced heat separated us from the isolative cold weather. Our bodies were energized by the very presence of each other, and our vibrations matched the response from our emotions for one another. Quite simply and symbolically, we createad energy within the chilled vacuum of winter by doing nothing other than looking at each other.

As we stood together, we grew warmer. Our feelings of love increased as we gazed into each others' eyes. Now she seemed to understand, as had I.

She spoke softly,
"Now, I believe I understand. Love is something that is naturally embedded into us. Love is the best emotional state for us to be in and to deny it would be similar to denying existence."

My fingers, still trembling with a mixture of tension and the coldness from the frozen ambience around us, suddenly became vibrant, as if guided by a higher source. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to feel her resonance and share more of our warmth together. I loved her.

"I love you," She said with utmost sincerity, but not obnoxiously, "Come closer to me and let us enjoy a moment of eternity together."

Awestruck, I stood there, contemplating on how I should react. I decided to go with my instincts and embraced her for a kiss. What became seconds eventually turned into minutes. What became minutes eventually turned into hours. Truly in a blissful state, I understood what she meant by enjoying eternity, if only for a limited time. Being in her presence was heavenly, and sharing her warmth with mine really made me feel that I had lost my lock on time. During that period, there was nothing outside of that love. There was no cold. There were no background noises. There were no external sensations. All that existed was us, it seemed, and inexplicably so, as we shared the most powerful emotion in a mutual fashion.

Finally, the internal tension and the chill dominating most of my body was gone. My fingers trembled no more... (your cue)

posted on Mar, 13 2004 @ 07:14 PM
but its not a guy and a girl falling in love.....

its two girls......

and one is an anarchist of body mind and soul

and one is tied down by her religion which shes so scared she doesnt truly believe and she cant explain why, it just is not real for her but she cant escape its bondage.

and so she attacks free ideas that arent somehow dictated by the church (love in the church = marriage, no just love for human beings)

and when she realizes that the first person sees through her mask and knows jsut what is keeping her back, she finally breaks

and finally understands love for another human being thats not set down by rules or guidelines, hence the " not explained"

its not like a romance.

this is an ending, not a beginning

[Edited on 3-13-04 by Scat]

posted on Mar, 13 2004 @ 07:16 PM
link the ending of a passage, the ending of the story that's written down....but in actuality it's the beginning of a different life. But literally and in forms of a document, this is where you close the book, sigh, and realize you've got to do something to change your life....

i just have to get back to the point where you sit down and open up the book in the first place

but i really like that line of "i wanted to touch her" because i wrote something just like that about a girl i met, i knew she was just smiling on the outside but had so much more inside and i was like GOD i just want to hold you! haha

[Edited on 3-13-04 by Scat]


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