posted on Jul, 24 2008 @ 11:25 PM
I could really use the advice of a women or any man who has some good insight to my situation.
Have any of you ever been friends with somebody for most of your life but secretly have always been infatuated with them? Crazy about them. almost
idolizing of them? Ever hid these feelings the whole time just to let it eat you up inside. To have it tear you up inside the wound getting torn wider
and bleeding worse every time you see them from the heart ache of not being able to tell her.
Thats me. I've been friends with this one woman most of my life. we became friends back when I was about 14. She was sorta a tomboy who hung out
with the group of guys I used to hang out with back when I was in high school. Time went on I went to college on the other side of the country and
really didn't think about her that much and when I came back from college I had found that the group I used to hang out with had pretty much gone our
separate ways, but I suddenly found that I missed her for some reason.
we weren't even that close of friends, but I guess way back then a seed had been planted in my heart for this girl. We'd still see each other every
month or so when the gang can find time to hang out. I found out that we had a lot in common. the same likes, the same love for exotic cultures and
a general worldyness. of the friends only her and I had the same experiences traveling around the world and we always had something to talk about.
we would talk for hours sometimes about deeper more philosophical things. I found myself really becoming attracted to her. very impressed by her.
I wasn't the alpha male in the group, nor did I have much self esteem so I never ever told nor admitted to having feelings for her. I was afraid she
would be repelled. and so I always hid my feelings behind a veil of friendship, but in reality I held on to every word she said and cherished every
conversation. In someways I felt like I had found a peer, her mind was intensely fascinating to me. Sometimes when we would talk she would do little
things like play with her hair, keep deep eye contact. At the end of the night I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination running away with me,
that maybe she felt the same about me secretly.
I realized that I was really attracted to her mind. She was the first girl I was ever deeply attracted to for who she was and not how she looked.
I've lived my whole life hiding these feelings and I do date plenty of other women. really pretty women, but I find myself thinking about her
sometimes on the dates with other women or in the relationships I get into. I found that if the woman I was dating wasn't as intelligent as her, as
worldly, as deep, and intriguing, as witty, if they didn't have that natural smile that could make me melt I was board with them. they just
weren't good enough for me. and to no fault of they're own. I realized that this girl was the benchmark I measure every other women against, which
obviously isn't fair to the women I've dated but it's the truth.
We still see each other about once a month when the whole gang gets together. she doesn't date much and is smart enough to be picky about who she
dates, either that or she's cautious because shes been hurt before. Her girlfriends are always nice to me and accepting, we always gravitate to each
other at a party or a gathering and end up talking the whole night.
About a month ago we ended up hanging out together by ourselves for a whole evening. we got along great. she gave me her number and told me to not
be a stranger and to call her, that she had a great time and that she would love to hang out with me again. then she gave me a long hug that she
seemed to hold on to a little too long.
So I've called her twice in the last month about a week apart each. once to invite her to a party that I was going to with one of our mutual
friends, the second time about a week later I called her just to say hi. she never called me back either time. She did after the one night we hung
out text all of her friends that we hung out for the night. I asked if that was a bad thing and they all said "not at all." like she had said
something nice in the text
So now I am really confused. I really can't read her inner feelings, she keeps them very elusive.
The worst part is lately I've been having dreams about her. The dreams are simple usually we're just hanging out by ourselves and we are holding
hands. thats it. but in the dream I feel the most wonderful I've ever felt in my life, whole, warm fuzzy and safe. Then I wake up wish she was
next to me and feel really empty and sad.
So what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know if these are healthy feelings I don't know if I'm sick for feeling this way. I'm not sure if
that my heart urging me to do something to say something, anything. I'm truly afraid to tell her my real feelings and am not sure it's a good thing
to tell her. I am afraid, terrified actually that I will push her away. on the other hand women are very smart about these things and she's gotta
know. she's gotta be able to tell hat I'm crazy for her.
I don't know what to say or to do, or if I even should.
Is it possible to be completely, hopelessly infatuated with a friend?
Any advice? what should I do. Do I sound scary in this post? should I keep my feelings secret. is this normal? is this some sort of pathology, or
is this just how it feels when you really like somebody and can't stand not showing it any more.
Please help me figure this out, please give me some insight or advice!
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope that some of what I posted makes sense as you can probably tell it's hard to put my feelings in
words or to even describe them or the situation well. So I thank you all for trying to make any sense out of this for me.