posted on Jul, 20 2008 @ 03:21 PM
For much of my life, I have suffered for my appearance. In childhood I was too tall, a tomboy and had buck teeth. Well, actually, none of that's
changed and now I'm fat and old as well, plus I have unfashionably short hair and simply refuse to dress according to fashion (unless it just happens
to be something I like, and then I continue to wear it long after it's gone out of fashion). I guess what I'm saying is, in 'real life' I think
that I am judged by my appearance. Here, you can't see me so you can't judge me by my appearance. Aside from being able to tell how old I am and
that I'm female, you have no clue what I look like or how I dress.
Secondly, my physical home is isolated from others (by choice) and I don't have much of a social life because I just can't get excited about home
decor, other peoples' kids (I don't have any), cooking recipes (my husband cooks), TV reality shows, sports teams, and all the other stuff that is
all that anyone around here seems to want to talk about, or care about.
Thirdly, nearly everyone around me is a Christian, and the non-profit agency I work for is skewed heavily to Christians and their beliefs. I don't
lie about it if asked, but I bow my head for the 'invocations' at staff meeting and mostly keep my mouth shut about the whole subject. Nonprofits
are also very image-conscious, and if I become enough of a 'weirdo' to where someone thinks I might be affecting the agency's image negatively, I
could lose my job.
At some level I'm the same me - 50 years old, politically incorrect, too smart for my own good, curious about everything and always questioning
"accepted" truth and reality, blunt and excessively honest, etc. But on other levels I think it's the 'real me' that gets to come out and play
here on ATS and a couple of other sites I hang out on. Here I don't have to hide my bizarre theories, lack of religious affiliation, political
incorrectness, etc., and I don't have to constantly compensate for my less-than-attractive personal appearance.
Am I 'fake' in person? I suppose so, to some extent. I keep what's unacceptable or risky under wraps with very few exceptions, and I toss out a lot
of social white lies (I'm fine, how are you today, that's great I'm happy for you, oh that's interesting, thanks for the recipe I'll have to try
it, blah blah blah). I feel that it's what I have to do to survive in the place I find myself, and I guess I don't really believe it's my fault
that society is such that trotting out the REAL ME could threaten my survival.
So, like it or not, you get the full impact of the REAL ME here, less my physical appearance, and the 'real world' gets the watered-down version
that is acceptable to the society I have to live in.