Mental Promiscuity, page 1
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reply posted on 9-7-2008 @ 12:47 PM by sc2099
reply to post by jamiros


I suppose my own thoughts are conspicuously absent from the OP.

If I really dig deep, I think that mental sex is really inconsequential to real life. It doesn't effect a real life relationship because a) it's totally secret and b) no one real is being engaged on an emotional or physical level. It's like having a crush on a tv character...they don't even exist.

I think where it changes is if, like you said, someone called out the wrong name in bed...that's a real action and isn't just restricted to the mind where it can't hurt that person's partner. I would be more upset about what this means in terms of fidelity if it happened in my own relationship than I would be that my partner was thinking of someone else. Are they calling out that name because they actually have done it in real life or is it just a slip of the tongue, I would wonder.

I guess that if we interact mentally with someone other than our partner it is a good compromise between morals and biological nature. No one gets hurt yet we can indulge our fantasies. I'm not religious but morally, I do admit it's not the perfect action to be taking. But I accept that it's probably not humanly possible for my partner to think of only me in the entire time we'll be together, so I accept the tradeoff that if sometimes I get switched for someone else in his mind at least he will be faithful to me in real life.



reply posted on 9-7-2008 @ 03:12 PM by Skyfloating
Originally posted by sc2099
Most people in marriages or serious relationships don't gratify their urges to engage other potential mates for many reasons, includinig reluctance to hurt their current mate and/or ruin their current relationship.


Yes. I never cease to wonder how much of our monogamy is natural or a matter of loyalty and how much is conditioned by society. Is the emotional pain my spouse would suffer if I cheat due to break of trust or because she has been brainwashed to think its wrong? After all these years I still dont have the answers.


But, how many people revisit the hot barrista from the coffeshop or the cute cashier from the store and take things to a much higher physical level in their minds? Everyone entertains fantasies which they would (most likely) never perpetrate in real life, like throttling a pinheaded coworker. But do most people engage in mental sex with people they would not in real life?


This is the juicy question of the month. Because we ALL have these thoughts sometimes but almost never admit to them towards others. And we all know that the real-life-experience of a fantasy we have is often not nearly as pleasant as the fantasy. We envision something but sometimes getting the real-thing is outright horrible (I wont go into detail here).



Obviously being a mental slut doesn't have the same negative connotations as being promiscuous in real life, but is that only because no one knows about it? Does it have the same effect on the mind as real sex? Is mental cheating just as heinous as real cheating? Is there even a difference?


As long as we, as a society, take dreams and thoughts to be of less substance and importance than physical action, mental cheating is no issue.

But I´d bet good money that too much mental cheating eventually leads to real life cheating. Thoughts eventually become deeds.

Looking forward to reading more by other posters.


reply posted on 10-7-2008 @ 10:37 AM by Breifne
'being a mental slut' - , I never thought about it that way.

Absorbing a lust mentally could be better for the marriage / partnership in the short term but in the long term the person will become more worn by such thoughts, and this could place a strain on the relationship.

I have attached a snippet from my dissertation that may help to explain this phenomena from a different angle:
Subsequently, Duncombe & Marsden, (1995) found that mainly female partners in the early stages of the relationship ‘deep act’ away any doubts about their emotional closeness or suitability as partners’ (in difficult times).

Interestingly however, later in the relationship, with growing suspicions, they ‘shallow act’ to ‘maintain the picture for their partner and the outside World’. In this case, shallow acting involves pretending to their partners and others that the relationship is satisfactory. However, this places considerable emotional strain on the female partner, but it is the price to pay for keeping the family together.


Shallow acting is when you tend to use facial expressions and body language over your mental aspirations. Deep acting is when you brush such thoughts to the back of your mind, absorb them into your system and carry on - I.e. they are a part of your life and you accept them.

As such, ''mental cheating'' can become manifest through your body language to your partner, even though you may not be conscious of this. Some people mentioned saying someone else's name etc. This is that.

The longer you play the 'game' of keeping your 'mental secret', the more your partner will be hurt - given the knowledge, and the more guilty you will become at this. Whilst your mind's detail does not hurt anyone, the more intense your detail becomes, the more it plays on you as a secret and the greater the chance that such thoughts will become emotional disclosure to your partner. The less intense your secret thoughts are (and we all have them), the less strain you are under and so on.

My thoughts.

Breifne


reply posted on 10-7-2008 @ 01:10 PM by sc2099
To aleon, you said:


It would seem that females are more involved in having vivid mental promiscuity than men are. And probably why many men are in reality typically disappointing by comparison?


I've never thought of it that way and I believe I concur. I definitely think females give more of themselves to their fantasies making them more vivid and detailed than men do. I know a lot of women have unrealistic expectations for men, especially in the physical department...usually the reality of anything doesn't compare to the flawless fantasy in one's mind.

Skyfloating said that



But I´d bet good money that too much mental cheating eventually leads to real life cheating. Thoughts eventually become deeds.


and I have to disagree. Rather than the fantasies becoming more intense as someone else mentioned (for me at least), I eventually get tired of my crush and then forget about him. At first I can't get enough of him and he's my new desktop and then eventually I'm just not interested anymore....haha kind of like real life. Then I notice someone else and it starts over again.

To Merigold: I am in complete agreement and my mental life stays seperate from my physical life for the same reasons and in the same ways.

Cybersex is definitely a tough issue because some people think it's definitely cheating and some people think it's definitely not. I'm interested to hear others' opinions on it. I'm torn, because it's not even real. But even so, most partners would definitely be hurt if their mate was doing it. It may be the betrayal of the secrecy of it or it may be jealousy or both that makes it so potentially hurtful.

Briefne: Thank you so much for sharing a part of your dissertation with us. It was very interesting and raised topics I'd never heard of. From first hand and second hand experience I would definitely agree with you and your sources about the occurrences of deep acting giving way to shallow acting in relationships.

I'm curious, you said that mental cheating could manifest via body language to one's partner. Besides calling them the wrong name, how else might this occur?

Thanks for the great replies, All!


reply posted on 10-7-2008 @ 06:56 PM by Breifne
reply to post by sc2099


Hi sc2099,

I’m glad that you found it interesting.


‘’I'm curious, you said that mental cheating could manifest via body language to one's partner. Besides calling them the wrong name, how else might this occur’’?



1. As already mentioned, the name thing – ‘’Oh Sarah’’, … ‘‘who the hell is Sarah’’ – or Brad or Matthew as some of you prefer!! This can be referred to as a ‘leakage of true emotion’, when you can no longer hold those sexual ‘thoughts’ deep within you. This is obviously bad for the relationship, as you have almost breached the barrier between the mental and physical. You are now ‘subconsciously’ wishing for your partner to be your dream lover: that is until you open your eyes or have them opened by your partner – not nice!

2. Another form of ‘release’ would be, well, a more physical form of ‘release’ which we shall not discuss for obvious reasons. This would be done without your partner’s knowledge, of course.

3. Avoidance

An example - if challenged by your partner why you were on ATS talking about mental promiscuity all night (for talk sake), you will either deep act because its just chatting and you have nothing to fear therefore you will show empathy to your partner for taking an interest in you, or shallow act, in that you will try to ‘act’ your way out of the situation – you may become nervous, lie, say you were not on ATS, cross your arms, look angry, say that you have no ‘me time’, walk away etc etc. Just act – basic social display rules.


4. Independence – the greater the need to fantasise, the greater the need to want more independence, without seeking ‘permission’ from the partner. More time to themselves, getting out more, going for a drive or walk alone or with members of the same sex etc. Whist this is not directly related to fantasising, it will inadvertently lay a stronger foundation for your fantasy given the freedom you have to undertake a more daring fantasy later on.

‘Eye contact’ and ‘gaze avoidance’ are interesting avoidance cues. They are more applicable if one actually had an affair or guilt is strong.

The reason? If we are interested in someone or what they are saying, we are more than likely to position ourselves towards them. We will also look more at their face (especially the eyes), thereby signalling interest. It’s like flirting, it makes you feel good, confident, wanted.

How many of you actually flirt with your partner, make as much eye contact or even want to make love with your partner, right after fantasizing about Brad Pit or Angelina Jolie, or even the next door neighbour? You’re probably more than likely (but not always) to practice gaze avoidance. This is the opposite of eye contact obviously, and is associated with guilt, shifty behaviour, suggesting trickery or even dishonesty.

We will all ‘wander’ (mentally), possibly frequently and possibly with intensity. Its how we deal with it that could be most important: an indicator of the relative strength or weakness of the relationship – IMHO.


Does it have the same effect on the mind as real sex? Is mental cheating just as heinous as real cheating? Is there even a difference?


It depends on what it means to you and how you deal with it.

Breifne.
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