A letter to you my friend - even though you are no longer with us!

Well Paul, my friend, it has been fourteen plus years since we last spoke. I sometimes sit and wonder what you would be doing now if you were still with us. My mind still goes back to the day when I got the call. We were best friends. We went to the same school and to the same army camp.

I remember being at work that morning and I picked up my phone as it rang, with out a clue of what was to come, and heard “Sean, Paul was in an accident at work!” I remember asking what happened. I remember thinking the dumb ass probably broke a leg or an arm or something.

Then I heard, “Sean, Paul is dead…”

I almost dropped the phone. It was like I was dreaming and was about to wake up but didn’t.
My mind warped in and out of reality. It just didn’t seem real. I didn’t know what to do. I had to go and ask my boss if I could leave because my friend had just been killed. She said it was fine.

Anyways, I went home and got changed because I was all togged up for work – tie etc. I had to go to the mortuary to identify your body. I will never forget the sight that I saw when they pulled the curtain back. It was not you! It was not the person I knew. It was all too cold and impersonal. I guess they cannot deal with these things with the same emotions as friends and family but I guess I still wanted some sort of compassion or empathy – at least.

You were seeing my cousin. She was also heartbroken and spent the night in my room on the spare bed. I remember… actually I don’t know what I remember or what I saw. But I remember it like this; I was laying in bed and I really felt awake. I was awake; I really think I was because there was just so much going through my mind that I could not sleep. I lifted my head to see if my cousin was ok and there you were, sitting on my guitar case which was lying on its side at the foot of my bed, looking at her while she slept. I remember jumping up and tackling you from the bed pushing you to the floor and then getting up and I asked you “WHERE have you been?”

My mom and dad were busy renovating and the builders were busy with the bathroom. I walked you through the house; I don’t recall what all we talked about but if I had those few minutes again I would make sure I remembered. It was all just so unreal. Anyway; I showed you the bathroom and the new toilet area and I remember us walking to the lounge. I don’t know, or rather, remember much about that knight or your visit. I do know that you visited I just wish I could remember every detail and what we talked about.

If I had those few minutes over I would have so much to ask you now that I have an idea of what I would like to know. Did you see my gran, was my grand dad there? Are my dogs there? Is my aunt there? How is it with you there? You seemed happy and content – not like you were when you were here.

I remember the day you got the job and how please you were because I know how you battled to just belong somewhere. You were my friend Paul. You will always be my friend. I know I do not go to your grave and only ever went there once I think after the funeral.

Anyways, I think back now on that day I got the call. I remember dropping you off at work. I remember the road being quite busy but it was nothing unlike the usual morning traffic. I dropped you off and you grabbed your lunch; I wonder what ever happened to you lunch – now that I think about it – did a bystander take it? But no matter – you took your lunch and closed the door.

This is where I always wonder what if… What if I looked in my mirror? I know, in my heart I guess, that the way this happened, even if I did look in my mirror, I would not have been able to help you. I do know this but I guess for many years I blamed myself. Do I still? I don’t know. I guess I still have to work through that!

Anyways; I drove off, not looking behind, had to beat the light. Had to get to work and get started on the day. I didn’t look back, I didn’t know why, I usually do but not that day! You stepped in front of a minibus, which was stopped on the side of the road, walked forward and then stuck your head out to see past it to make sure no cars were coming and that was when it happened!!

A truck that carries glass was coming past at that moment and just too close to the minivan and the steel supports that stick out which holds the glass panes struck you in the head.

WHY didn’t I look back? WHY did that mini bus stop there? So many questions that cannot be answered. So many questions and for whom? I don’t know. I know we all come here for a reason and we have lessons to learn and to teach. What was your lesson? Happiness? I know you found it before you passed. You found love and you found a job. Was that the lesson? What were you meant to teach? To make me treasure the little things in life? To stop being materialistic? Hell I don’t know. Perhaps your lessons werenot meant for me. I still was materialistic long after that anyway – for many years! It is changing now though.

That brings me to the present, I will go back again and fill in the gaps, but for now – just amuse me and listen a little longer.

I met a wonderful woman, her name is Glenda and we have been together now for 7 years. I am very happily married and have a little daughter who is almost 17 months old. WOW how time flies! She was just born the other day!! She is such a joy. I never ever thought I would be so lucky after a previously failed marriage. But THAT is a story for another day – I won’t bore you with the details but it was out of rebellion for everyone telling me to do what they want and not because I really wanted to. But anyway…

My daughter’s name is Alisandra and she is a real angel from God. She really is!! I watch her and how she reacts with things around her. She is so loving. Oh we can give her little toys like dolls and little fluffy bears and she goes “awwwwww” and hugs and kisses them. She is so full of love. I have a picture of her on my cell phone and when she sees this picture she says “baba?” Then kisses it and hugs the cell phone. When we are shopping and she sees little kids, even if they are older than her, she goes “awwwww, baba… awwww.” She is so very loving!!

I always make time for her when she comes to me. Oh and the way she says “daddy” makes me absolutely melt! I never tell her later or if she makes a noise I never tell her to be quiet. She is such a good child and I believe all those times I just let her twist me around her finger, but within reason, have made her who she is.

My only hope and prayer is that I can grow old to be able to watch her grow and blossom and maybe have children of her own. I actually do not want her to grow up and move on – though I know she must – I just want to put my arms around her and protect her forever – I know I can’t.

I miss you my friend and I do think about you from time to time. I wonder what you would be doing and would you have been married with kids? Nope, perhaps not. We are only here for as long as we need to be so I guess trying to imagine what would have been is perhaps wrong or stupid?

I just hope you are well and happy – I am sure you are – but I do wonder. I know your dad is there now and I am sure your mom met you when you got there. I haven’t seen Martin in a while or your sisters which is actually bad; but I guess the last time I saw them was shortly after you passed. What would we have in common other than you and your passing? It would perhaps just bring back all these memories and who knows if we can still cope with these now.

I guess we just need to get on with our lives. I have not forgotten you or the friendship we had. I just hope that one day we can sit and just chat about all this stuff.

You be well my friend!

Shearder, thank you for sharing this with us. I really, truly appreciate so much of what you are saying. It brings back memories, or should I say it has re-awakened some that were lying dormant, but I am glad for them even when it hurts.

Thank you again,

Mike

reply to post by JustMike


Hey Mike

Thanks for readying. It always helps i guess to get the feelings out and i suppose, in some ways, helps with guilt that we sometimes harbour unnecessarily.

Thanks again.

Very heartfelt story. You are brave writing this, I have also lost, so I too know a little about grief.

reply to post by Szticks


Thanks a ton for reading

I hope it helps others to let go of any guilt or just open up.