Where does your inner-patience come from?

Honest question.

Because im still looking for mine. Especially when im around my sister-in-law

Background:
My wife had come to me, one day, ohhh about a year ago, and told me this tale of 'woe and awwww' about her sister. Me, being the simpleton that i can sometimes be, easily gave in with no resistance and allowed the sister to move in, on the premise that she and her 2 year old daughter would be there long enough to get on their feet and out the door.

You're probably bored already. Welcome to my life.

Short list of things im growing increasingly angry with

1.) She'll do dishes, but not clean them. I can't tell you how many times i've went to get a fork, and there's still food crusted to it. Or ill get a glass and be drinking from it, only to find out there's still crusted milk in the bottom

2.) She lets her daughter run rampant! MY GOD :bnghd:
i know kids will be kids, and thats all fine, because the kid doesnt know better. But the parent does. Really ticks me off

3.) She pays us a sum of 200 dollars a month to live with us. We have our own house, garage, big yard, etc. 200 dollars a month covers all bills, her "rent" etc. So basically - we're not really getting anything out of it.

4.) She keeps bringing this idiot "boyfriend" around who loves to talk about how much he hates "the 5-O" and how cool gangster life is. Dude, we're from a central illinois town, we're in the middle of a corn field. Just because you listen to 50-cent doesnt make you hardcore. pull up your pants

5.) She's all around annoying and obnoxious


All that said, i say that even though i dont like it, i still do things for her that nobody else would have. Especially letting her live there for so cheap. So why the complete lack of respect and payment? Money isnt everything. Wash dishes, do some yardwork, etc.

Instead she sets on her lazy bum all day long and dreams of being a police officer. Kind of conflicts with her current "boy" friend


There are days i dont know why i put up with it, and i loose all patience
Because if you combine this crap with the REAL problems we, as adults, have to deal with from time to time, it really makes you question your 'kindness'


So i ask

Where do you find your inner patience with the crap you have in your life?

Step 1: Just establish some ground rules in the house - stamp you feet man and start cracking some heads

Only kidding.

Step 2: It is about recognising and regulating your own emotions (hate, fear, love, anger, etc) and trying to understand other people's emotions and how to manage them.

Inner patience - until you are able to regulate your own emotions forget patience. A little assertiveness may help also. Time to put you and your wife first.

If all else fails, proceed to step 1.

In saying that, I think you already have patience of a saint to withstand 1 year of that - by now I would be onto step 2: Step 2 = 2 deep holes in the back garden.

Good luck.

Brei. :bnghd:

This is hard for me, but i will try to put it into words:

There's several things-

What are the chances she's going to find her own place and move out?
I'd be dropping hints at least once a week, in a nice way.

When you get up in the morning tell yourself, the Universe or pray to God that you have the patience to make it one more day. Ask for peace and tranquility, serenity. (do this first thing in the morning)
Beleive it or not, it works, trust me. Try to form a positive frame of mind after you do your asking.

I dont know if you know how to meditate, but you could also do this, even in the bathroom where you (should) have some privacy.

Just try this one day. Just one day and see if it helps. I think you will see a difference.

I know it sounds silly, but trust me, i want peace and tranquility more than anything in the world, and i will not indulge in chaos, i refuse it to be a part of my life-
You may also tell your higher power to HANDLE THE CHAOS AND THOSE FEELINGS FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU NO LONGER CAN.

I hope you get the peace you deserve.

Blessings.

It comes from pain, suffering, forgiveness, acceptance and a firm grasp on the buttocks of personal reality after climbing up from the black pits of HELL.

Or from being tied to a bed by your girlfriend for twelve days perhaps.

If your wife cannot tell her sister to move her parasitic arse out from your property, I’m afraid your chance of getting back your normal life is slim. You could, however, regain inner peace by ranting the truth straight into the face of your house guest. This type of people will never change no matter how much you tell them to move on with their lives. It’s worth a try. Good luck.

[edit on 2008-6-12 by pikypiky]

reply to post by Andrew E. Wiggin


Oh boy! Been almost a year?

You need to say something because it sounds like she has gotten way to comfortable.

Find all the dishes that are still dirty, and put them back in the sink and leave a note asking her to re-wash them.

As far as the child goes, you just have to tell her how it's getting on your nerves, and the boyfriend, too!

Discuss this with your wife first. Maybe she can talk some sense into her sister, or at least remind her that the situation was supposed to be temporary!

Best of luck to you!

I do appreciate all of the advice

My wife has spoken with her, in subtle ways

As have i

The big problem is, it is going to have to come down to me saying "GET OUT NOW" before she ever does

and thats a hard thing for me to do - because as much as i despise her, i know she has no where to go...so...what do you do?

Its really sad too - because this dern kid of hers has put me off from the idea of kids of my own for a while.

I mean seriously - isnt it bad when you despise a child simply because her mother won't discipline her?

reply to post by Andrew E. Wiggin


OK then - you have been more than reasonable up to now.

Give 1 month for them to find alternative accommodation (try and stay away from the OR ELSE part for now).

But a reasonable timeframe for her to move may provide her with the motivation she may actually need - when push comes to shove.

You could say something like this:

''You know we have enjoyed you staying here with us (hold that hammer behind your back and keep it there) but its been 1 year now and we need time for ourselves and we feel it is now the right time for you to also live your own life - don't you agree?''

You can visit us when you want etc etc. But we need our own space etc.

If she does not understand that - proceed to step 1 on my original post (or, call the lawyer).

Regards,

Brei

I think it's time to start that GIGANTIC remodeling project on the backyard landscaping..don't you?

Thats how I got rid of my loser nephew. (he paid NO rent)
It started as a short stay, a week or two, and turned into many months.
Guzzled our milk, ate as if every meal was his last.

I handed him a shovel every time his favorite show (Weeds) was on.

"you want weeds? take a look at the backyard, and start pulling."
Once I started that, he rapidly searched for a place in Arcata CA (a deadbeat friendly town). Last I head from him, reality had smacked him upside the head and he found a job.

I've always found there's a fine line between being nice and getting ran over. It sounds like you are getting ran over. There's a few ways you could move forward.

Confrontational- You could just say "get out". You could also tell her that the boyfriend isn't welcome in your house. When it comes down to it, it is your house and you shouldn't have to have people you don't like over. Either she moves out to be with him, or he stops coming over, it's a win win. But, it sounds like you're apprehensive about that approach. While this would be more immediate, it would be emotionally draining and probably end in yelling.

Passive- You could try being less upfront. Start looking for places that would fall within her price range. You could show her paper clippings, print outs, fliers from places you think she might be able to afford and/or like. True, you would end up doing a lot of work, but it sounds like she isn't trying to get out. If you give her options, and she fails to act upon them you have done all that you can, and you should resort to the confrontational approach.

Negative Reinforcement- This is a little weird, but you could start creating a semi-unlivable environment. You could cancel some cable channels if you get HBO and the such, change your interent plan (put the modem in your bedroom and lock the interent access with passcodes), stop buying luxury groceries, etc. This would not only help you get her out, you'd save some much needed money, what with gas prices and such now adays. Along with this, you could begin to discipline the child. If you show some discipline, while the child may not always listen to you, you will enforce that you won't put up with any bad behavior. This would cause the child to avoid contact with you, causing the mother to have to take care of the child all the time.

Why confrontational? I think eventually you should confront her directly, for if you don't you'll bottle up all the anger, and it will begin to affect the rest of your life. As you've said, it's casting doubts on your ideas of children. It sounds like she is never going to change, so you'll probably end up having to confront he at some point. The only question is how much of your sanity are you willing to sacrifice for someone who doesn't care about your feelings?

If you don't want to confront her about, to save some sanity, you should start getting out. Try staying at a hotel for a weekend, pretend you're on vacation. Also, try to do something nice for yourself, most "nice" people tend to ignore their more "selfish" needs, like a nice meal or a small personal luxury. Good luck with your situation. Hope it works out.