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What do you guys think? (A song I wrote.)

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posted on Jun, 4 2008 @ 07:51 PM
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Hey guys. Pretty recently, I've been writing a few songs just as a method of getting my mind off of things. I don't really like to share them with friends and family, I guess partially because I'm not all that confident in my writing ability. But lately I've sort of been wanting more input on them. I figure if they're bad, it's better to be criticized by people that I don't actually know in person rather than family and close friends haha. I play guitar, and I was thinking of writing music for them. I don't know if this is the right forum for this, but I figure if it needs to be moved, then so be it.

This one I actually just wrote real quick today. It's not finished yet, but I'm not really the type of person who can just sit down and write whenever I feel like it. Sometimes I'll just get inspired, start writing, and 15 minutes later I can't think of anything else to write. It's about a breakup I'm going through right now (I know, real original right?)


I just want the time to fly

So that my mind won't occupy

images and words you spoke

my head is tired; my thoughts can't focus


The things you said that felt so dear

Caused me to believe and feel

that I was near and dear to you

and now you're gone; you don't look back


The twilight hours; they bring me comfort

it's when my mind can stop its aching

Surely this unconsciousness

will bring my thoughts some hours of rest


But when my mind goes off and wanders

You're standing there beside the road

Haunting; taunting; driving me

To that time, the time we had


I believed you when you said it

But you didn't know you'd said it

Like a drug; I let it take me

Places I had never been


You came inside and occupied

A part of me I'd tried to hide

You pushed your way inside then cried

"I don't want to be here anymore."


So yeah...tell me what you think, and if it's actually worth writing music for. I have a few others too that are actually completed, so if anyone wants, I'll share those as well.




posted on Jun, 4 2008 @ 08:24 PM
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"To that time, the time we had "

I would change that to perhaps "Back to that time, the time that we had"

Otherwise very vivid imagery and heart felt. Sounds like something that would sound very good on an acoustic guitar or even a piano played slowly and softly.



posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 01:58 AM
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Originally posted by Deson


"To that time, the time we had "

I would change that to perhaps "Back to that time, the time that we had"

Otherwise very vivid imagery and heart felt. Sounds like something that would sound very good on an acoustic guitar or even a piano played slowly and softly.



I think you're right about the line change. Like I said, I wrote this much of it today in a matter of minutes, so it's not fine tuned yet. The acoustic guitar feel is what I was going for; I'm glad you agree.

Thanks for you input!



posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 05:05 AM
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It doesn't seem to have a chorus to it my friend. What gives with that? I guess you could sing it over a repeticious chord pattern. Its been done before. I might suggest a rewrite. Make it about something positive. Crying over you songs have been done to death.



posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 07:51 AM
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Originally posted by Herman
The acoustic guitar feel is what I was going for; I'm glad you agree.

Thanks for you input!


In what key A, C, E, F, G? etc? Do you have an idea of how it is to sound? yeah i know - acoustic(y) but .... hmmmmmm... can't explain now what i mean. Hope you get the point



posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 01:38 PM
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Originally posted by shearder

Originally posted by Herman
The acoustic guitar feel is what I was going for; I'm glad you agree.

Thanks for you input!


In what key A, C, E, F, G? etc? Do you have an idea of how it is to sound? yeah i know - acoustic(y) but .... hmmmmmm... can't explain now what i mean. Hope you get the point


I don't really have any idea how the guitar would go just yet, but I kind of have an idea of how it would be sung. I can't really explain that on here, though haha. Plus, I don't really sing at all so I'm not sure if that's ever gonna happen.



posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 07:02 PM
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Perhaps what you can do once your satisfied with the lyrics is do try to record it as a mp3 format and upload it somewhere (Perhaps member podcasting?) so that we can get an idea of the music that would go with it. If nothing else try singing it to yourself and see if it "scans". You know, do the words flow smoothly? Perhaps change some words to make it flow? It's totally up to you.

I wish you well with your project.



posted on Jun, 5 2008 @ 11:57 PM
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Further to what Deson was saying, perhaps create a pod cast and even hum the tune or whistle it. One can always take the idea and embellish on it or simplify it.

hmmmmmm... up to you



posted on Jun, 6 2008 @ 01:53 AM
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I think its beautiful, Herman! I'm glad you're into this...I always wanted to but doubt i have the talent


You know, try to get in touch with Benevolent Heretic, she's very good at composing music to lyrics and such.

You may have a hit!!!



posted on Jun, 7 2008 @ 12:42 PM
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Thanks, DG. Maybe I'll get in touch with her.

And hey, I don't have the talent either haha. I just do it and hope people don't make fun of me!



posted on Jun, 9 2008 @ 02:07 AM
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No one should make fun at anyone EVEN if they have the ability to do something the best in the world.

Everyone is different and everyone has a talent - hidden or not!!

So regardless of which talent you have or don't have there is ALWAYS something you can do better than anyone else!!



posted on Jun, 11 2008 @ 01:41 AM
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Originally posted by shearder
No one should make fun at anyone EVEN if they have the ability to do something the best in the world.

Everyone is different and everyone has a talent - hidden or not!!

So regardless of which talent you have or don't have there is ALWAYS something you can do better than anyone else!!


Thanks, Shearder. I'm actually working with somebody right now on making some music. Maybe if I ever turn some of my lyrics into songs, I'll post 'em.



posted on Jun, 11 2008 @ 01:47 AM
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i like the theme, but is there a chorus or a bridge?



posted on Jun, 11 2008 @ 01:48 AM
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She's more gorgeous than a summer rain
Lose my head whenever I see her face
I think about every minute
On the hour
Hoping that she will come my way



posted on Jun, 11 2008 @ 03:40 AM
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reply to post by Herman
 


COOL!!!

I hope you podcast it
would be good to hear



posted on Jun, 11 2008 @ 02:55 PM
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Originally posted by JPhish
i like the theme, but is there a chorus or a bridge?


Thanks. I'm not quite finished with it yet. I know it sounds contrived, but every now and then I'll just get a flow of ideas going, and I just write them down as they come. I haven't worked on this one since I posted it, but I'm gonna try soon as I'll probably want to turn it into a song.



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