A friend....

I just got word this morning concerning a friend of mine named Jeffries. He just passed away this morning of bone cancer. I'm still in shock. He like myself was a veteran. Early 50's at most and staying like me at a homeless veterans shelter. I only got to meet him a few months ago but we clicked with each other. I slowly watched him degenerate from somone who could walk fine but talked about some pain in his joints. To a walker then to a wheelchair. He was told that his joint pain was a pinched nerve by the VA (Veterans Administration) doctors. He slowly lost weight and mobility and developed nickle sized lumps that were visible through his skin. He and I talked quite a bit. He told me of his battles with doctors that either would not or could not tell him what was wrong. He ended up on a lot of pain killers but to no avail since he was in constant pain and getting worse. A couple of weeks ago he had one of the lumps removed and had a biopsy done on it. The diagnosis of Bone cancer came back and he would have about 6 months to live. He felt happy to have heard that they finally knew what was wrong since as he told me "As long as I know what's wrong I can fight it." A couple of days later he was transfered to a hospital in Madison and a few days later his father came by to pick up his things. Until this morning I had heard nothing but wished him the best. A little while ago, Rick (another friend) got off the phone and said "Jeff passed away about 10 minutes ago."

Veterans day weekend and yet another reason to remember.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend, Deson. He sounds like a very interesting person, one whom, I'm sure, really valued your friendship those last few months. He was blessed to have you in his life. I will remember him this weekend.

Rush

Deson, Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Bigs hugs to you,

Sounds like he was a good person, he is now in your heart.

If you need to talk or just need to vent feel free to u2u me, We are here for you,

Looking back on my earlier post, I realised that it's memoprial day weekend and not verterans day weekend. My mind at that time wasn't fully functional and it still isn't yet.


I'm gonna type this in as I think of things. Sorta a stream of consciousness type post. This may serve as a clearing house for memories. Please excuse any bad spellings due to the fact that in order to more completely release changing spellings by going back may interrupt thoughts. Don't worry, I'll keep it clean.

There are several things that concerning him are going through my mind.
1) His accent. You see, I'm from Wisconsin (and that's where I'm living). So hearing a Tennessee (or thereabouts) is something that sticks in your mind. I keep hearing his voice. No it's not telling me to do nasty things. But it's more like when he was talking about him not knowing what was wrong with him and the doctors couldn't tell him (or wouldn't). I remember him telling me about when a doctor from the VA telling him that the reason for his pain was a pinched nerve. His increasing levels of pain killers that he was prescribed. It's scarey but I watched him degenerate.

2) The botched diagnosis that the doctors gave him. Pinched nerve my *bleep*! They didn't investigate his lumps until it was too late. I know he complained about them months before. They pretty much ignored that symptom. And these are the people that I entrust my medical care since due to the fact that I'm a unemployed veteran I have no choice.

3) The funeral is gonna be in a few day although I haven't heard anything. There's a good chance that I'll have to work then though. Besides I don't have anything nice to wear to a funeral.

4) I keep thinking of my own mortality. And it depresses me at times. I've been told that 47 isn't old but man I feel pretty old at times. It would be so easy to sorta curl up and ignore the world and wish that it would all go away. Age, My living situation (homeless shelter), impending transportation problems getting to work and back, possible problems with my case manager, worrys that I'm slowly losing my grip and maybe sliding into a deep pit of depression. The world seems so dark at times.

5) Here at the shelter we maintain a population of around 50 - 60 homeless veterans at all times. Last year there were 14 deaths amongst people who left the program. Ussually for alchol or drug abuse once released. So far this year there's been at least 3 or 4. One I didn't know but 2 that I have known. Tina passed away a couple of weeks ago and now Jeff. I remember making for Tina's room a little printout sign in old english script on my computer. It said "Tina's tranquil den". 2 deaths within 2 weeks and one hadn't even left the program yet.

6) thanks for listening to me ramble on a bit. I didn't want to overload your U2U box with my drivel. I appreciate the offer none the less. I hope that you don't mind if I on occasion post here concerning my thoughts abot Jeff and what happenns next. I need to release just a bit and this seems good.

Deson, I too am really sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be in my thoughts.

Rather melencholy today. The funeral was a few days ago and I didn't have a chance to attend. It was in Southern Illinois and I'm stuck here in Wisconsin without transportation. So there's been no real "closure" yet for me. This morning one of my good friends here went to Texas for 7 weeks in order to attend some classes on how to deal with her PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Gonna miss her. I just can't bring myself to think clearly right now. It's almost like some sorta haze has descended upon me. Sorta running on auto pilot right now. I'll probably snap out of it butright now no. A part says "Hey, just give it time. You'll do ok." another part of me is chewing out the first part and saying that it's being overly optomistic.

I dunno.

I'll cruise on this site for a while and see if anything stikes my fancy. Therapy of a sort.

Wake up Deson... Snap out of it. Think of puppy dogs or beautiful women or something. Your friend died, it's natural.