CLARENCE THOMAS: U.S. SUPREME COURT ASSOCIATE JUSTICE
Clarence Thomas was appointed to the Supreme Court by President George H.W. Bush on October 23, 1991. He replaced Justice Thurgood Marshall, the negro
responsible for Brown v. Board of Education. Having personally endured the torture of "Affirmative Action" – which heartlessly propelled him into a
prestigious law school and the Judicial Branch itself – Justice Thomas knows full well that the best way for coloreds to excel is to nod pensively
while William Rehnquist and Antonin Scalia formulate their opinions for them. Justice Thomas likes canned cola, rented movies in brown paper bags, and
stacked office underlings who won't give "no" for an answer. He's ready to take your questions now, so let's begin.
Beatrice Braun, from Altoona, PA writes:
Mr. Thomas – let me just say that you are my all-time favorite black Supreme Court justice! Your 13 years on the bench have been an inspiration to all
real Americans like me who had almost given up on the idea that you people could just swallow your pride, get with our program, and stop making waves.
Truth be told, if you could sing, I'd swear you were the reincarnation of Nat King Cole! I think many of today's colored youth would benefit greatly
from hearing your story. Can you please tell us all about your personal evolution – especially any inspiring anectotes about defining moments in your
journey to become the poster child for black right-wingdom?
Rohan Brown, from Oxford, UK writes:
I was wondering what your thoughts are on the intervention of the Supreme Court in the ballot recount in Florida in 2000. Specifically, could you
please share your opinions on the legality of Governor Jeb Bush having employed aggressive tactics to disenfranchise thousands of predominantly black
Florida residents from voting simply because they shared common or similar names with ex-felons?
Claire Heflin, from Middlebury, VT writes:
I understand that back in 1993, you presided over the ceremony at Rush Limbaugh's marriage to the young girl he met in a Compuserve chat room. Is it
true that at the reception, you and Justice Rehnquist performed a brilliant minstrel ventriloquism routine atop the counter of the open pharmacy
Mike, from Los Angeles, CA writes:
As you know, Justice Scalia and Vice President Cheney are embroiled in a scandal involving their ill-conceived duck hunting trip while a case
involving Cheney was (and is) pending before your court. My question is, does the Vice President ever invite you to accompany him on luxury vacations
such as this?
Once. To caddy.
Scott Burke, from Washington, DC writes:
As a fellow Yale graduate, I'm sure we both have many fond memories of our time in beautiful New Haven. The stories I heard about you indicate that
you almost got fired from your job at the Legal Clinic because you failed to show up. Is that true?
Calvin Jeharnish, from New York, NY writes:
Dear Brother Thomas,
When Orin Hatch asked you the question, "Have you ever uttered the name, 'Long Dong Silver'?", it was my favorite moment in Senatorial history,
and I am sure you are proud that is in the record. That being said, if Long Dong films aren't your favorites, can you tell us what are?
To be honest, I always found John Holmes' performances to be uninspired. While some his earlier efforts, including Johnny Wadd ('73) and The Orgy
Machine ('72) impressed me with their attention to volume discharge and imaginative contortionism, I can honestly say I had soured on his work by the
time Dr. Gonad's Sex Tails entered Savannah nickle booths in the fall of 1977.
Through much of the 1980's, I focused on building a home library made up of solid installments from dependable franchises, particularly anything from
the Devil in Miss Jones and Taboo series. Of course I was disappointed to see the slow but steady disappearance of the BetaMax format, whose superior
resolution made for considerably more stimulating viewing. My Beta copy of I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus died a few years back, and I can't find a
replacement for the life of me.
Moving on, I'd say that my favortie thing about the 90's was discovering the sub-genre of playful-yet-artistic adult reimaginings of more mainstream
Hollywood fare. From On Golden Blonde to The Rodfather and Sperms of Endearment, I really couldn't get enough of the stuff. If you haven't yet
dabbled, I'd recommend starting with something accessible like Titty Slickers IV, then moving on Edward Penishands, Muffy the Vampire Layer, and
Saturday Night Beaver.
Of course, the rise of the DVD has changed everything. I've been particularly impressed with titles whose producers have shown a determination to
really push the envelope by making full use of the new multi-angle features and widescreen aspect ratios. Moving forward, I'm relishing the potential
of coupling next-generation micro-optics with cutting edge sigmoidoscope and colonoscope technologies that will really take us inside the action!
No more questions. Goodbye.