Why am I like this!!!!!

Ok so heres the deal.

Ive never been the shelter type, and while I was shy my entire life, I was never truly anti-social. I don't have any friends, and I blame this partially to the fact that I'm very critical and picky as to whom I associate myself with. I don't like being surrounded by drinking and drugs, and now a days at 20 thats super rare to find. People don't like me for that very reason, plus I really cant keep politics out of my life. Needless to say I do socialize with people on a daily basis, and hold some pretty good conversations. But enough with that, the above was just a backdrop for my personality as the real issue is my sex/dating life.

I will be upfront and say it, I've never in my life been in a relationship with a girl. I am not gay, despite having family think I am (another thing that bothers me). I have good hygiene, nice personality, and not the type of guy that holds his head down like the typical stereotype of a guy that fits whats happening to me. I know im shy, but every time I ask someone out or show interest im automatically labeled a creep or stalker. I have never done such a thing in my life, so my feelings are deeply hurt when it happens.

I feel I cant be myself ever, especially if I want a chance of landing a woman, yet i'm so stubborn I can only be myself.

I have always been super confident, but since I moved out of my home state thats gone downhill big time.

The final point, theres a girl I like. She always comes to sit down with me when im alone. Shes super awesome in every way. I've asked her to hang out a couple times and shes been a no show despite saying she would. I found behind the scenes shes told people I am a very good friend. So im confused by it all. Im not sure if I should just up right and tell her I have feelings for her, or if I should just forget about it.

I want to understand one thing, she has said she was coming to hang out with you a few times and then been a no show? What excuses does she give? Are these dates or just get togethers with others?

I am a big believer that you just need to be yourself, no matter how odd people may seem to react to it. The biggest mistake people make when searching for someone to love is they become someone they think people want and it ends up being something different entirely then who they truly are. This causes problems long term in most relationships.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulder and a good attitude in general. Give it time to find someone, there is no rush in life when it's important.

reply to post by AndrewTB


She can probably tell you have feelings for her. In my opinion, that's the biggest mistake you can make as a guy in that situation.

When a girl (I said girl, not woman) feels like you will chase her, she'll let you. She'll do stuff like say okay to hanging out and then not showing up.

Instead, tell her something you are going to do that night (hell, even if it's a lie) and don't invite her. Make it awesome, whatever it is.

And then, make sure you instigate things as little as possible. It becomes a game, it really does. Flip the table around and get her frustrated that you aren't all that interested anymore.

That's just my opinion. For a long time I wore my heart on my sleeve and it was a mistake.

Ever since I started to learn how to "play the game", everything changed.

*Edit:

Oh and dear God, don't talk politics to her. Find something else, anything else - unless she's openly a real political person like you.

[edit on 7-5-2008 by Sublime620]

reply to post by Sublime620


Yep the second they know you want them it's over... You are just a friend... I usually ditch them once I figure it's not workin... You can usually tell.. You're into this girl enough to want to keep giving it a go... You can ditch her, and not be her friend or anything, or you can continue to be her friend and just end up getting hurt in the long run... If you really want to stick it to her, just tell her, hey I like you so what's up... Just lay it out... You've wasted enough time already...

Love the advice given!

I'm one that when I find someone I like I tend to obsess without making any forward movement. Keeping such a thing to oneself drives you mad lol!

I will be taking everyones advice.


I am still bothered by the fact of failing so miserably in the dating category. I have had no luck with online dating and I'm far from ugly or stupid! I wont lie, im pretty much desperate at the moment and very vulnerable. I see myself being taken advantage of very easily because of that.

Im not looking for a "good time", but more along the lines of companionship. Being lonely sucks big time.

Goodness, it does sound like you in a bit of a pickle.

Maybe you need to relax more, I’m not saying drop your morels or what you are looking for but maybe just except that people are different,

You can be you and still have friends that are kinda Rowdy

Or maybe you are just not being around the right kind of girls for you,
Have you some interests where you could join some form of club? Where you could meet like minded girls?

Oh Smile lots, I just think you need to stop thinking so hard and relax a little, But I don’t know you personal so I could be wrong,

I wish you all the luck, and sometimes the right girl with just walk around the corner,

What's puzzling is the comment that whenever you pursue any girls you're labeled a stalker or a creep.

This tells me you have something working against you and are blind to what it is.

Could be something simple, like bad teeth, BO, or unibrow. Could also be something about your attitude. I had one friend at work who was not unattractive, tall, lean, friendly.

But he was so uber-geeky that everyone kinda made fun of him (not me) behind his back.

One time at a party he was trying so hard to fit in that I saw him smoking a cigarette. Thing is he was obviously not inhaling and doing a bad job at 'pretending to smoke' that it actually repelled people.

So, what you might do before you 'dump' this friend (which seems ill-advised to me), tell her you're attracted to this person at church (or some place she'd never go) and as her for a brutally honest assessment of your faults. Just tell her you really want to improve and to include everything, even if you smell funny or look odd.

Once you know, then you can take steps to minimize those things.

It could be something that most people see but have a hard time telling you. It could even be something easily fixable, such as standing too closely when you talk to people. Heck, ask your family.

Speaking of which, can you put your finger on why they think you're gay? That could be it. Maybe you're effeminate, or have some unconscious gay affectations?

Be prepared, though. If you ask, it might turn out to be something you can't change.

PS the geeky guy at work found an equally geeky girl and they're married with a couple kids. He's moved on to a great job at work and is very respected by everyone now, but in many ways, he's still an uber geek. (he's just very good at what he does, and he piles on the degrees and extra-curricular activities giving him an impressive resume)

reply to post by Badge01


I do like that idea. He may get a lot more from her than he expects, however. Sometimes too much truth can be a bad thing, and again, that's sort of giving her the upper hand though. Perhaps instead of asking her, he should ask another girl around him. That way, the answers won't bother him as bad as coming from the girl that's wooing him.

Also, I think you are right about the stalking thing. If that tends to be repeating, then there is something he is doing that is not rubbing people the right way.

Is it how he approaches people? Perhaps he is too clingy. What he needs to do is objectively look at how he is approaching people and compare it to others. Maybe he should do a bit of people watching?

One thing I do want to mention is that at 20 years old (I think that's how old he said he is), most people are slightly obsessive. We all take the opposite sex way too seriously and try way to hard.

It wasn't until I hit about 23-24 that I started to let go of that almost high-schoolish attitude towards dating.



[edit on 7-5-2008 by Sublime620]

[edit on 7-5-2008 by Sublime620]

reply to post by Sublime620


Good point. I was just thinking ask for some insight vs just dumping his friend.

Some mild incompatibility in the comments he made:

Family thinks he's gay and chicks view hs advances as stalking. Usually chicks like gay guys and wouldn't see their approach as threatening.

Also, some guys can 'look good' objectively but then when you look at the whole package you think YUCK. Bob Saget is one. Tall, lean, nice looking, but he's got that 'Jerry Lewis' vibe - gawky, goofy, not macho.

Another is Alexis Denisof, or 'Wesley' on Angel. In the first season he was on in Buffy, he was extremely geeky and unattractive. Look at him in the last two seasons of Angel. His character turned dark, had a hot girlfriend, grew a five o'clock shadow, lowered his vocal range and was instantly more macho. Quite amazing and a testiment to how a bit of a 'make over' can change everything.

I'm pretty sure he has a cousin or family member who would be willing to go over his subtle faults, and he should be able to improve some of them.

2 cents.

As I mentioned above, my hygiene and the way I dress is top notch. You asked why the family thinks i'm gay, and I know the reason. I have heard them several times mention that I don't act interested in women, maybe that right there is my fault.

I do know i'm a little intense and hyper, and I think this could be partially why I have so much trouble. When I get into a conversation I get going to the point where I stumble over my words, regardless of whom i'm speaking with.


The stalker thing hasnt been thrown around since I was in school (4 years ago). I am truly convinced my past experience have led me to the trouble im having. I was never ever ever the cool guy. From the days of middle school I remember being slapped just for telling some random girl I like her. That was a long time ago, but I guess in a sort it conditioned me into being the way I am. Ive have female friends in the past and know how they can throw the label around needlessly, especially if the guy is ugly which I'm not.

I'm naturally an anxious person, maybe that shows. Just look at the post, being hypercritical of every little detail.

Originally posted by AndrewTB
I have heard them several times mention that I don't act interested in women, maybe that right there is my fault.

Hmm. I'm still not buying it. Plenty of guys are a 'man's man', and act uninterested. I'm not trying to suggest anything but that you look a little deeper. True, some people equate geeky with gay, but since you're asking, it's worth examining this. After all, you say everything else is perfect (except for the hyper intensity). The next time you're around that female friend, say something like 'my folks keep saying they think I'm gay and I just can't see it'. She may volunteer. Listen to what she says, though. Don't try to tell her she's wrong, or dispute her. The idea is to get info, not argue with the one helping you.

When I get into a conversation I get going to the point where I stumble over my words, regardless of whom i'm speaking with.

This happens to all guys. Girls expect it. If you start doing it, just stop and make a joke. "There I go babbling, again, it just means I'm interested". Girls like a little self-deprecating humor and appreciate someone who is insightful.

The stalker thing hasnt been thrown around since I was in school (4 years ago). I was never ever ever the cool guy. From the days of middle school I remember being slapped just for telling some random girl I like her.

Make a list. Stuff that cool guys do, stuff that you do or don't do. Don't judge your impulse. When done look it over the next day. Might find something.

Again, if propositioned most girls will just giggle and keep walking. Stopping and slapping someone? There's more to it. Did you chase her into the girl's bathroom to do it? Maybe you did it in front of someone she was trying to impress and you came on as rude and insensitive? Practice with your female friend. Get her to critique your approach.

Seriously, though, you're brushing off things you should examine. Some girls are so reluctant to hurt someone's feelings they get accused of leading them on.

That was a long time ago, but I guess in a sort it conditioned me into being the way I am. Ive have female friends in the past and know how they can throw the label around needlessly, especially if the guy is ugly which I'm not.

Another paradox. Label thrown around, but only to ugly guys...and -you-. Why?

I'm naturally an anxious person, maybe that shows. Just look at the post, being hypercritical of every little detail.

My sense is that you're not being too detailed. You're replaying your old 'tapes' (ideas) and glossing over things that others point out. I'm not saying believe it; just reexamine, get other opinions and listen to what they say. You're only in your 20s and you're already "conditioned", as in "can't change"? Wow.

HTH.

wow you must be really weird. which is weird because i was like the weirdest person i knew and that stuff never happened to me. the only advise i can give you is that you need to think of your strength and your weakness and focus on your strength. see what women like about you, there is probably something and just play it out. dont hide ur weaknesses just override it. like i realized that being weird attracts a certain group of women because they think im enigmatic or something makes them feel that they need to solve a mystery. so im weird intentionally at least around women.


[edit on 8-5-2008 by DuneKnight]

First of all, don't think of women as some bizarre alien creatures. We're people. We're not all alike. I like different things than the woman sitting next to me. Some women may not like being pursued, but I call shenanigans on that being "most," at least in more geeky or academic type circles (at least once you get as young as your 20s. It might be a little different for older people, as my mother and I argue about this all the time). I like when a guy is upfront about it, and just tells me, "Hey, I like you. I'm interested in getting to know you better. Let's go out for coffee."

Guys who say that this only results in getting stuck in the Friend Zone need to understand something: Just hanging around being nice isn't going to make someone ~magically~ suddenly be attracted to you. It's quite possible that her response is going to be "No, I'm not interested in you like that."

And you have to take that and say to yourself, Do I like her as just a friend? Personally, I don't think people should be asking out people they don't like as a friend or friendly acquaintance, but I have been rejected before as well, and I know sometimes, you know, you had your heart set and it hurts to be close to that person you're interested in, and you might have to step back from the relationship some. Don't keep doing nice things for someone in the hopes that she might some day let you kiss her or something, because it's not likely to happen if she's said no or indicated she's not interested in you, and it's just going to make you feel resentful in the long run.

Ultimately, if you're friends and you're attracted to her, you should try to find out if she is also attracted to you. You want to be clear, without being overbearing, which can be hard.

Here is a blog entry written in response to some guys being kind of shady at a convention and then saying things like "girls get all uppity when you try to flirt with them!" Pay attention to body language (both yours and hers!), pay attention to what she is telling you, and be willing to back off if she's not interested. You can't magically make her like you, but you can try to be interesting and you can try to be forthcoming, and you can hope for the best. That's really all I can suggest.

[edit on 5/8/2008 by asilvahalo]

[edit on 5/8/2008 by asilvahalo]

reply to post by asilvahalo


Awesome post. I truly feel my lack of experience is why I'm in this position. Having no experience at a super young age is one thing, but being around the corner of 21 its really sorta discouraging. I suck at flirting, and the entire body language thing due to my inexperience.

As for others telling me to look into the gay thing, I have been down that road and figured it like others. I was never closed to the idea, but eventually figured it out on my own. I assure y'all thats not the case .

I wont lie, im a bit of a spazz when it comes to women, maybe I look far to deeply into women when they are probably more simple then I'm led to believe. I feel being unemployed plays a giant factor (have a car and I'm a student though).

I appreciate everyone here trying to help me figure out what I need to fix. I'm not the super social type, so maybe I need to make some changes in that area too.

A lot of it boils down to being a noob. The rest is stuff I need to work on.

[edit on 5/9/2008 by AndrewTB]

Originally posted by AndrewTB
Love the advice given!

I'm one that when I find someone I like I tend to obsess without making any forward movement. Keeping such a thing to oneself drives you mad lol!

I will be taking everyones advice.


I am still bothered by the fact of failing so miserably in the dating category. I have had no luck with online dating and I'm far from ugly or stupid! I wont lie, im pretty much desperate at the moment and very vulnerable. I see myself being taken advantage of very easily because of that.

Im not looking for a "good time", but more along the lines of companionship. Being lonely sucks big time.

yes listen to your own advice as well... Not good to obsess... Do you have a mom and dad normal white picket fence type life?

Originally posted by AndrewTB
reply to post by asilvahalo

 

Awesome post.

That was a good post. Follow some of the links, too.

I truly feel my lack of experience is why I'm in this position. Having no experience at a super young age is one thing, but being around the corner of 21 its really sorta discouraging. I suck at flirting, and the entire body language thing due to my inexperience.

Hmm. I'd contend that you don't know enough to know if you suck at flirting and if you do, why.

You've never asked anyone to evaluate your approach (a friend), you've never 'seen' yourself in action, and you sound like you gave up after one or two tries.

Why not get a friend to video you the next time you try to ask a girl to coffee? Heck, take him with you when you go up and say 'I'm doing a student project on how to ask someone to go out, do you mind if he films this?'

Then ask a few introductory questions. "Are you a student? What do you think about film classes. What's your favorite coffee". Then after a llittle more small talk, ask her if she'd go for coffee with you. EVEN IF she says no, you still have the film of you trying. Go look at it. Watch it with your friend. See if you can find any obvious problems, such as standing to close, spitting when you're talking (haha), or talking to loudly or too softly, or failing to smile. Then fix those by practicing and try again.

We always do better at evaluating when watching ourselves on a video. I do it for sports performance improvement, for example. I see flaws I had no idea were hindering me (or that I was doing right)

As for others telling me to look into the gay thing, I have been down that road and figured it like others. I was never closed to the idea, but eventually figured it out on my own. I assure y'all thats not the case

.

Uh you totally missed the point. No one is suggesting you ARE gay. The suggestion is to see if you're doing something, body language, tone, inflection which might make people think (erroneously) that you are effeminate or gay.

I wont lie, im a bit of a spazz when it comes to women, maybe I look far to deeply into women when they are probably more simple then I'm led to believe.

How do you know? Being a 'spazz' is not a deal killer unless you fall on them or drool. So...no. AND having that attitude that WOMEN are more simple is incorrect. Asking a woman for a DATE is more simple than you're making out. Sheesh.

I feel being unemployed plays a giant factor (have a car and I'm a student though).

Nope. If you have a car, then you're good. Girls your age do NOT expect or care if you are unemployed, if you have a car and a few bucks to go out. In fact, consider double dating. Get a friend to drive. (see what I mean? Just need A car, doesn't have to be yours)

In fact, girls feel safer on a double date. Have a friend with a girl friend with you, say sitting down across the room, and walk up to her and say, 'the three of us are going for coffee. That's his girlfriend. Would you go with me?'

Again, safety, no strings, much easier, and more practice for you in a less stressful environment.

HTH.

Originally posted by Badge01

Another is Alexis Denisof, or 'Wesley' on Angel. In the first season he was on in Buffy, he was extremely geeky and unattractive. Look at him in the last two seasons of Angel. His character turned dark, had a hot girlfriend, grew a five o'clock shadow, lowered his vocal range and was instantly more macho. Quite amazing and a testiment to how a bit of a 'make over' can change everything.

Yeah, Wesley from "Angel" is a great character, one of my favorites actually

maybe try those online dating services? While I stay away from online dating services, I've heard it done good for some people, so who knows, it may do some good for you!! I'll probably use it myself, if I ever move to a different country or town, its probably great and quick way for meeting new people.

And about that "drinking-drug" deal, I don't think being straight-edge will cause people to dislike you. I myself am straight-edge, and I just tell people flat out, some laugh, but most don't really care, as long as you aren't being judgmental or critical on their activities they won't have a problem with you.

As for social topics, I learn to steer clear of politics, people either tend to get serious about it, or not serious at all. I mean don't stop talking about it, just don't be the first to talk about when your meeting people, let them get comfortable with you first.

But back to the girl, I mean if she likes you just as a friend, then thats that. However, you have two option, win her heart or move on to the next girl. How you win her heart is entirely up to her? Each girl is different, each is looking for something different out of a man. Whatever you do don't be show desperation and if you do express you love to her, do it gradually!!!

p.s. I say go for her

[edit on 10-5-2008 by skyblueff0]