posted on May, 5 2008 @ 07:44 PM
When I was 17 I had numerous girl problems and lost touch with freinds for over 2 years. I had complete amnesia at first from when I was 13 had a
stroke and 3 brain hemmorrages internal bleeding and sleeplessness and social infantcy and comprehension dysfunction. Sort of nomadic background 10
places by 7, stayed with grandparents on both sides, homeless for awhile, motels, hotels, stayed in someones basement with mom and sister for about 3
1/2 years and that was longest ever in one place.
At 12th grade graduation I used to believe I was the victum of a columbine copycat act, not a crime because nothing happened. I was stereotypically
profiled and gang mentality decided I was going to go on a killing spree.
I was home when 911 happened I saw the second tower being hit and both of them falling and the pentagon being hit by suicidal murderous kamikazes,
terrorists not unlike columbine. I suspected something for awhile, in 13th grade in wilson tech the teacher told me "the cops never talked to you"
and I said "no I was framed". Then I asked someone at the high school what happened I said "these kids told me they were going to jump me, didnt
show and I walked up to grad. looking for them. On field not in gym and I was already sweating walked there and 2 hour ceremony in sun so I went
I didnt tell her since 9th grade I was called re***t, ho**, fa***t, girl, and hermaphrodite and other less vulgar stuff and I was chosen as fall guy
for friends?? The alleged homosexullity card and the Androginy card wasnt played enough I want to see you try to back that up and fail miserably when
you have to talk to me face to face and I am not going to let you back down until someone stops me. Put on probation 1/2 through 10th grade.
I also didnt tell her I was a virgin and never touched a girl and was going out of mind not being able to properly function socially and furious. She
told me "no grad. wasnt cancelled repeatedly and I should go see a mental health individual, extremely nervously". So I dropped out and over summer
had a central nervous breakdown, using too much drugs thought house was turned into Truman Show of a police sting and someone got trampled, after
not going to my own grad. out of guilt and disbelief. When the cops brought me to the psych ward in handcuffs they joked around about wishing they
could of killed me or shot me. When I got dropped off "I shouldnt touch everything in my head at the same time".
So in the next 4 months I went to 3 institutions for not going to program or taking full dose I was ordered, so I was brought to court and forced to
take monthly injections and be put on A.ssisted O.utpatint T.reatment which essentially means go to Day Facility 10 hours a day (5 for therapy, 1 1/2
bus ride there and back 1/2 lunch and cigarette breaks) for 5 days a week for 6 months then 4 days for remaining 9 to 10 months and if I missed too
many days a case worker would call the police to go to hospital.
Then I went to another facility then therapy in group one on ones and piss tests. Now 2005 I went to 1st year of college for a few months and
dropped out because arguments with parents that I should go to hospital. Saw blue book "king of Torts" and a red book "Red Rabbit" Tom Clancy'
s espionagespy nazi thriller. After worked with dad put on meds sleep 12 hours a day lose 24 hours a week. Later in 2006 I ripped up my health
insurance renewal for Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield and 3 or 4 days later I eventually get out of house after arguing going through 3 different
streets where practicully every house has a brand new car straight out of the dealership some washing theirs.
Get to the pizza place get 2 slices and this football player from my grade (told he raped girl at party) says "we would tell you because your our
freind" as I walk back 3 people look like they are going to jump me maybe saw too much. Next week go to supermarket next town this guy working their
says "you only got $10,000 (laughing) looking right at me. The only time I got $10,000 was when the gov. owed me 3 years disability. This time I was
drinking I was following sounds and similiar looking cars got ticket sold to me even though 4 or 5 in the morning and had no reason to travel 100
miles into the city.
Had ticket for some reason ticket gut took $8.50 for some reason so I didnt have any money left so I was probably lured into getting arrested
hospitalized or murdered. I got back had debit card next week at train station hear priest say "do you think were going to let him get all the
money". Later brought to the hospital against my will for a 5th time and stayed for 6 weeks. I had homophobia problems and kept to self, because I
felt some guys were coming on to me. First night got there told to take meds and slip pants around hips when I go to sleep and saw 3 guys and 2 girls
taking various showers and conspiring amongst each other all 5, so I didnt take my meds that night.
As time went by lot of code spoken ( symbolism, metaphors, passive aggressive, ect.) in group around me sort of aimed towards me, I assumed, on a
locked floor. I saw people watching 50 first dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore and someone says "Who did we all come here to see" so I wore
2 pairs of pants did push ups in room and careful about taking showers.Ecspecially when I overheard someone say outside my room I was going to the ER
tonight (guy showed up Jan 1st when insurance ran out and hetero) it was implied I would be forcibly raped. Week before I heard someone say "you
would be surprised what (name) would do for $250,000" and I got the impression they thought I was a prostitute or I was a prostitute, that I was bi
This girl in my group outside the hospital said my psychiatrist stole $500,000 from her but she could still get the half of the original figure
$500,000 and flirted with me. After I tried to get a letter resended to get out in 3 days that if they objected they could legally bring me to court.
She gave me the run around 3 times, no I need the original not the photocopy, no I need to sign the original, no I need to sign somewhere else so its
not still legally binding while she was put the phone on hold ordering a new dell computer.
Someone behind me asked her if her name was the first name of tony sopranos wife. This other guy stook his hands down his pants while I was punching
the punching bag so I left. Guy who showed up on the 1st was on the phone and after hung up put an earpiece in his ear and he was 20 something and it
wasnt visible looking at him. A week or 10 days into Jan. every day guys in suits would go to the nursing station. And one day after group I went to
room and saw a guy in suit a nurse 2 maintenance guys going through room drawings and clothes I was told to go to the end of the hall so I did then
came back and heard "we cant keep him here were not prepared for this the CDC called (Center for Disease Control)" and she said "you have to
leave" I said "you just said CDC" she said "No I didnt" I said "Is this guy FBI" the guy in suit said "I am leaving".
They were supposed to be checking bathroom fixtures and the 3 remaining people and did every other room on the floor really quickly then left. Left
psych ward to go to out patient hospital, by the end I was on 6 different meds and one biweekly injection for 5 hours of therapy a day. The first day
I signed about 10 different papers to get admitted on medicaid, a few days later I noticed a lot of shiny seemingly brand new cars, 1 a yellow and
black hummer I thought at the time their vanity plates were numerical code and abbreviations that were derogatory towards me.
As the days went on 4 or 5 weeks one time this girl said I just threw away 50,000 and left with her parents halfway through the following third day
she was there she said this on the first. One
of the therapists said something about a sum of money or some monetary reward or those cars was a one time thing not a daily benefit, also something
about medicaid fraud. I think this guy from the hospital I was in wanted me to go down on him for a wedding ring for his girlfreind and implied that a
$1000 a day from the hospital was already gone. Over the time I was here I heard him say on the phone something about 4 more years of life insurance
and in group said something about someone needing a new liver( I interpretted this as code).
One day I brought my ipod and this girl who worked there walking by said something about being online. Next day the guy asked if you are on myspace
they called me meryl online, I didnt know what this meant I remember yesterday him asking me if I wanted a cigar ette, no and he said thats right you
dont smoke. This girl was saying something about needing housing and the bus driver who picked her up said you live in Brentwood now, she said later
about moving to the city.
Later I found out social security turned her down and she lived in another town. Last day I was there told I was going to be discharged and my empire
insurance expired on that day called my psychiatrist and asked if she accepted medicaid or if I needed to be transferred somewhere else. Eventually I
was put on a single powerful med that knocked me flat out for awhile, it usually takes 6 to 8 weeks for meds to be therapeutic and it took me time to
Earlier this year 7 months shy of 6 years I feel like I have gotten to the point where clarity and awareness and a higher level of rationale have
been acheived, almost like what sobriety used to feel like. With most of these meds the words that come to mind are stupor, all f***ed up, haze ,
slower , lethargic, catatonic or partially crippling (mentally). I have my word about some things and others circumstantal evidence because I am in
the system my credability has been tarnished. I used to weigh my options as who to believe and trust when this first started what made more sense, my
mind being ill or a massive conspiracy fought on several fronts.
I just thought whatever all this means whatever the true answers are, theorists would love to imagine and delve into the possibilities and maybe
truth of this, any feedback would be welcome and appreciated. Kinda like part "Carrie" or "Heathers" then part "Truman Show" or "Poltergeist"
then part "Beautiful Mind" and an "Alice in Wonderland" foreshadowing or perspective, just an intriguing concept that sometimes would blow my mind
when I was forced to take drugs.
I used to think that I was given or judgement received was that of an evolution of a Columbiner not wanting to make the ultimate sacrifice. What
they wanted and trial by public opinion or comprehension of the facts or some if I was this person. And everybody denied it so who do I tell my side
of the version of the past to? Two months shy of going into the 8th year of this at grad. and 3 months shy of going into 7th year of my life sentence
or lifetime with doctors trying to fix my brains illness. After all this I still want or deserve the oppurtunity to live the rest of my life, and have
liberty and the pursuit of happiness and not be executed, hospitalized, or have any of this shadowing me around for the rest of my life or anybody
connected to me based on lies and misinterpretation if this is real.
I used to listen to Korn Untouchables "Here to Stay" - I am here to stay, here to stay, gonna bring it down, gonna bring it down or "Thoughtless"
(strange video). Also Bionic Jive "I Shot Lucifer" (one of the most intense songs I have ever heard ecspecially if when this first started I was
ever given a chance to plead my case if anyone that would listen or humor me of cryptic subliminals or this being a possibility)- a governmental
conspiracy to murder me, I shot lucifer, I shot lucifer, Eminem "Soldier"- dont even try to be like me youll look stupid do not pursue it
later who put a curse on authorities in the face of adversity. Or Incubus song "Meglomaniac" that song was after an album where this blonde girl in
gray sweatshirt screamed 3 times when the clock hit 10:24 ( the date of stroke for me was 1/24 Jan. internal bleeding in 3 places of the brain) and
later on album song "even guys go on the rag sometimes" . Maybe they could do a collaboration with Alice in Chains or a remix of some of their old
Maybe even terrorize "make a wish" kids or other severely f***ed up traumatic injury recovers. I didnt grasp how this could be possible, if a
supposed copycat thing happened in current events and they tried to cover it up and I was too ignorant and messed up to realize and over the years
couldnt let go of this doubt even if at times it was barely there. I had this unrealistic guilt because of these sort of infamies I felt were
attached to me like O.J or McVey or worse AntiChrist, but thats just what I internalize or how I project how people see me, ( I cant have anything to
do with the weather, tsunami or katrina, because God or humanity hates me, you know you cant just decide someone you dont know is Satan spawn ).
Its is just I have never really proven beyond a reasonable doubt either way and I sort of spent years and a lot of time to get to the bottom of
this. And doubt can be like a cancer eating away at you not unlike regret, ignorance or mental illness. Havent had a job on the books since 15, never
had a license or drove a car in 6 or 7 years but I plan on getting my life back and sure as hell didnt want to be playing sherades with the
man/government if any of this is legit. Last year town and street upped anti of persecution or psychological warfare.
Broken into backyard 3 times damaging property all 3 the house once while I was upstairs (thought it was sister asked later she said no) I dont think
anything was missing, threats of physical violence and heard 2 different people say they wanted to or were going to slit my throat from house. Also
this girl I knew in high school that I was attracted to in 12th grade in tech who lived in another town know is dating and living next door with
neighbor (apparently they werent done feeding off me or trying to make me snap) and 2 girls I used to know in town talked into consentual sex or
raped, and 2 girls outside town were targeted in my honor by nazi ghestoppo propaganda or politics based on lies. Get into numerous arguments with
parents if I call police I go to group home, stopped at every turn. My aunt came over last summer talked about feeling like she was in "Shindlers
List" and later on my mom said its nice that terminally ill people can see their families.
About 14 months ago these migraines showed up and chronic progressively worse almost crippling at times. Got CATscan and bloodwork done talked to
neuro consolt getting MRI and EEG done in future. I cant get a job or go to school like this and I cant take this anymore no way out. I thought a lot
of Columbine what would drive those kids to that point, even thought of writing a book about overcoming adversity or memwares to help people in my
generation or younger. Be a positive influence in peoples lives for a change.
I never wanted any of this detour from living and sure as hell not getting any financial reinbursement if the entire town (guilty party responsible),
doctors , hospitals, patients and government are which should be impossible. If it is this is me fighting back, not going to take this anymore,
because you think I am a vegetable or evil and that justifies inhumane abuses of freedoms, decentcy or morality. If it is not then a long talk with a
team of doctors but I finally learned the language ( as strange as it may seem reading this letter after comic books and video games and literature,
spoken word with family everyday and friends occasionally, and philoposhizing common sense after amnesia and generation leaving me behind, and
information dont teach you people relations sort of an evolution of life experiances, street smarts and culture)and I am will await my day in court if
they ever grant one and finally get physical tangible proof , not assumptions or speculation or impossiblities.
Whats it going to be this time, grandiose paranoia or delusions or delerius, or seeing patterns where they dont exist. Well I have been decrypting
puzzles for 11 years (amnesia) and I could be off on some things all I ask is for the truth, the truth is out there.
Have you ever had a dream (Neo) that you
were so sure was real, what if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference from the dream world and the real world?
This cant be ... Be what be real? Unfortanetly no one can be told what it is the matrix you have to see it for yourself . The matrix is everywhere
it is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. What truth? That you (Neo) are a slave ... in bondage. I am here
because I am not free. I have to get out. This is the world you know the world at the end of the 20th century it exists now as only a simulation that
we call the matrix.
Youve been living in a dream world (Neo) this is the world as it exists today. Welcome to the desert of the real. We have only bits and pieces of
information but what we do know for certain is ...? Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. I didnt say it would be easy just the truth. The
human body generates ... all the energy they will ever need. For the longest time I wouldnt believe it , obliviousness of the truth. What is the
Matrix ? Control the matrix is ...generated dream world to keep us under control in order to change a human being into this. ( Holds up a battery
which is a valuable commodity, energy source pure potential even necessity sometimes not so unlike money).
I didnt say it would be easy only the truth. Welcome to the real world. Am I dead? Far from it. Why do my eyes hurt. Youve never used them before. No
one has ever tried anything like this before. I know thats why it is going to work. I know youre out there. I can feel you now. Know that youre
afraid, youre afraid of us, youre afraid of change. I dont know the future I didnt come here to tell you how this is going to end I came here to tell
you how its going to begin.
I am going to hang up this phone and then I am going to show these people what you dont want them to see. I am going to show them a world without
you. A world without rules and controls without borders or boundaries, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave
up to you.-----???
[edit on 5-5-2008 by elevatedone]