posted on May, 5 2008 @ 04:47 PM
After the initial shock of hearing that she had almost broken up with me, everything was good again. She seemed into to me again, we had a trip
planned for the summer...everything was just going peachy. Then I started to get that feeling in my gut again...something was off. I couldn't talk
to her about it. We'd talked about it enough in the past, and even I was convinced that I had some sort of paranoia or something...my thoughts were
completely unfounded. I assured myself that we're just out of the "honey moon" stage of our relationship, that she still loves me, and that we're
just settling into a comfortable relationship as everybody does. But alas, I was right once again. She was over at my house on Wednesday, and the
argument started. She started telling me (not for the first time) that she's concerned about my lack of enthusiasm for college (We're both
transferring from a community college to a University.) The thing is, I want to be a police officer, but the police force doesn't require schooling,
so I'm majoring in business as kind of a fall back. I am enthusiastic about the police force, but college just bores me. It shouldn't matter
though, as I've committed to getting my degree and doing well in school. It still concerned her though, and she used this as a segue into telling me
she wasn't sure about our future together. She doesn't think that we can be happy together and attain our goals without one of us compromising, and
that it's not fair to either of us. I tried to tell her that this is something all couples go through, and that we can indeed both have what we want
in life and remain together. She wasn't buying it. She started saying that she didn't believe me when I told her I was enthusiastic about
succeeding as a police officer. Basically, she felt like she's going to take off in college and become something great, and that I'm waiting around
for things to fall into my lap. This isn't true...I tried to tell her that, but she wouldn't listen. Essentially, she has a clear cut path which
she believes she will follow and everything will workout just fine, and I'm a little more realistic. Sure, I don't know every class I need to take
in order to attain my major, or every single pitfall that I could come across on my way, but I'm going to do my best in life, and I've accepted that
sometimes things just don't workout the way you want them to. She called me an idealist, which is actually very hypocritical now that I think about
it. This is when I knew for sure that it was coming.
She started saying a million different things. Some of them I don't even remember. She said that she wasn't sure if she loved me or not, and she
thinks she might just love the person she's trying to turn me into. About 10 minutes later, she told me she loves me now, and that she's not sure
about the person I'm going to be someday...it was all so chaotic. First she wanted to make a clean break because it wouldn't be fair to jerk me
around while she makes up her mind, then she wasn't sure, then she offered to just "slow things down" a lot, then she asked me what to do... She
said she really wished she believed in "taking breaks," because it would be perfect right now. But again, she didn't want to drag me along while
she made up her mind. She started naming off things that she hated about me - all of them very shallow (For example: I drive a manual transmission
and she doesn't know how. I'm not as fancy a dresser as she is, etc.) It just didn't make sense. Less than a week ago she'd been telling me
that she loved me, and now she had no idea what she wanted and therefore wanted to breakup. Then she started telling me that I'm a terrific person
and an inspiration. She loves me, and she knows that someday I'll find a wonderful girl that will make me truly happy. She said I'll look back to
her and realize how horrible she is. She didn't want to leave, but she didn't want to stay... She offered to stay and help me through it.
Finally, after 2 hours of going in circles over these things, I made her leave. I grabbed the shoes that she left over at my house on her birthday
and showed her the door. I was devastated.
I called a couple of hours later. Not to beg for her back, but just to talk about what had just happened. It had all happened so fast, and I needed
to know where we stood. I asked her if she was really done. She told me that if I wanted, we could meet up in one week and talk about. I told her
that I would only want to do that if there was a chance that she still wanted to be with me. I said "Are you really finished?" She paused for a
while and simply said "yes." I told her that I'd had a really good time with her, wished her a happy life, she said the same to me, and we said
And now, here I am. It's been pretty bad, but I realize that almost everybody goes through this at times in their life, and I realize that I'll
eventually get over it. I haven't contacted her, and she hasn't contacted me. I know that calling her would only make matters worse. I miss her
tremendously. I felt like we had so much together...such a connection, and now as the days go by it's slowly dying. Everything just seems so
strange. I know I shouldn't be giving myself hope, but I can't stop hoping that she calls me. Every time my phone rings I think that it's her.
It's as if my mind is refusing to let go of the fact that she's really gone. She said over and over that she didn't know what she wanted, and that
she wanted to make a clean break so that it would easier for me. But now all I can do is wonder. Hope that she'll come back to me seeps into my
mind unwelcome, and getting rid of it hurts. I've gone from shocked and devastated, to just extremely sad, to numb, back to extremely sad...it's
quite the process really.
If you read the whole thing, I'd really appreciate some input...maybe advice, I don't know. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but as I've
mentioned in other posts, it really helps me to write it all down like this and talk about it with unbiased people. I guess venting is the
appropriate term. Again, much thanks in advance if you got through that whole mess.