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Verbal Abuse

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posted on Apr, 27 2008 @ 07:05 PM
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I think most people are familiar with spousal abuse and typically link it to a man beating his wife. I would like to open up a discussion on verbal abuse and how a verbally abused individual suffers far greater than a physically abused one. Secondly I would like to add that in the case of verbal abuse I think that there are far more men out there being verbally abused by their sposes than they would care to admit.

Verbal abuse is the result of a controlling person and here is a great definition of it.


Controlling People: Controllers use verbal abuse to subtly undermine their victim's perceptions, to manipulate them into doing what they want, to foster dependency, to isolate them from truth, from outside contact and even from their own children. They may withhold information while lying to their victim.. Controllers create confusion, emotional pain and mental anguish, while periodically "rescuing" their victim by seeming to offer the balm of love that alleviates the victim's pain drawing the victim ever closer. Controllers gain and maintain power over people while often presenting a perfect persona to the world.


Source

What is really strange to me is how the controlling person acts and behaves towards thier partner in an effort to control their every waking moment to get them to conform to their whims and desires while destroying the soul of the abused. In essence turning them into a slave.

Thoughts and opinions......anybody think they are in this boat?




posted on Apr, 27 2008 @ 07:35 PM
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My sympathy goes out to the hen-pecked husbands. I hear the bickering constantly under this roof on a daily basis. While the controller claims her action is done out of love and it's truly meant to 'keep someone on their toes', I find this arrangement rather annoying and frankly not a match made in heaven.



[edit on 2008-4-27 by pikypiky]



posted on Apr, 27 2008 @ 07:46 PM
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I was in that boat. I kicked his ass to the curb where he belongs.
NO ONE WILL EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO AGAIN.



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 08:03 AM
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thanks for the replies,

Why do you think it takes so long for some people to realize what they are being manipulated?



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 09:06 AM
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Originally posted by photobug
Why do you think it takes so long for some people to realize what they are being manipulated?


Most are in denial that it is happening to them. Or they're ashamed. Or both.
It's that simple.... and it is so very, very sad.

I see it day to day living on a US military base overseas, it is downright sickening to see women speak to their men as they do! And vice versa of course but to see women act so ugly is just so distasteful.

Why do women want to act so vulgar ? I must really be old fashioned, and I am only 28 - and a foreigner, perhaps this is an American thing ? I don't know but I have never in my time back home in Australia seen women act so mannish and disgusting - I can only wonder WHY are people with someone only to cause them such grief ? WHO said it's cute for a female to act this way ?

smh

I am really glad someone brought this up
and I wish those taking this BS would grow some and deal with it ... or get some help.



[edit on 28-4-2008 by ImJaded]



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 09:14 AM
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Every relationship has its ups and downs and its fair share of arguments.

I've been in a relationship for almost four years now and I firmly believe that we've been successful thus far because of the way we have chosen to deal with our conflicts. We may raise our voices from time to time, but we never engage one another in name calling or personal insults. What is the point? Calling each other names is not going to fix anything, its only going to cause more problems.

If either of us ever called one another a hurtful name, I think the conversation would just end and there would be awkward silence on both sides.

You need to be able to argue.. but you also need to respect the other.

Verbal abuse is no better than physical abuse.

Happiness is found in equality.



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 09:47 AM
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Yes, verbal abuse will definitely scar your mind!

Sometimes, I would be told, or called something, then later he would be like, "I never said that"
(That can make you go crazy right there).

I am still suffering from the brainwashing, and low-self esteem, it has been 5 months since we separated!

I would go to church, and be accused of going to see another man!

I refuse to go anywhere now, unless it is for things I need, and have become anti-social!

I never really talk to anyone, except on the computer!

I now am trying to find myself again but, cant seem to get out of this state of depression!

The first fours years living together were okay, he was always gone working out of town!
The last four were a disaster, and had become physical!

Habit, and our children, the reasons why we stayed together!

I feel as if it will take years until I want to be with another man again!

I'm in no hurry! :shk:




[edit on 4/28/2008 by Givenmay]



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 12:34 PM
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Originally posted by Givenmay
Yes, verbal abuse will definitely scar your mind!

Sometimes, I would be told, or called something, then later he would be like, "I never said that"
(That can make you go crazy right there).

I am still suffering from the brainwashing, and low-self esteem, it has been 5 months since we separated!

I would go to church, and be accused of going to see another man!

I refuse to go anywhere now, unless it is for things I need, and have become anti-social!

I never really talk to anyone, except on the computer!

I now am trying to find myself again but, cant seem to get out of this state of depression!

The first fours years living together were okay, he was always gone working out of town!
The last four were a disaster, and had become physical!

Habit, and our children, the reasons why we stayed together!

I feel as if it will take years until I want to be with another man again!

I'm in no hurry! :shk:




[edit on 4/28/2008 by Givenmay]


Courtney..I went through all of what you are saying. Including the phase you are going through now. EVERY one of my friends on ATS helped me when i needed it the most. It has been 6 months since I kicked out my worse half.
He still gets to me..every jab he can take he will. My gosh honey if you need to talk, I'm a u2u away. I have gained SO MUCH strength in the friendships I have made here, let me pass some of that on to you.
LORI



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 05:04 PM
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First of all - my heart goes out to those who have found themselves in abusive relationships. I sincerely hope that your wounds are able to heal and that you may be able to move on.

This topic is disturbing to me, but for a different reason. I have always been a bit of a romantic. Flowers, candle-lit dinners, and all that jazz. To witness a man verbally abusing his girlfriend/wife is sickening to me. I could never imagine treating the woman I love that way.

What makes an individual act as a controlling person? What makes them believe that abuse (whether physical or verbal) is justified?



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 05:23 PM
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I think in many cases the abuser themselves doesn't even realize that what they are doing is abusive. My fiance will get in his "untrusting" mode every once in a while and "try" to not let me go out with my friends and accuse me of cheating but we always talk it out and get through it.

Parents too, parents can be very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to their kids. I think the main reason this kind of abuse slips through the cracks is because it's hard to prove. You can't exactly call the cops because your spouse is calling you names. They will rarely take you seriously and they will pass it off as a normal spousal argument. Also in many cases where the abuser is so good at manipulating that they really do convince the abusee that they are the problem and are at fault.



posted on Apr, 28 2008 @ 05:26 PM
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reply to post by BlueEyedSoul
 


Their justification is fear of losing that person. So they control every aspect of their life to try to prevent it from happening.
Nice to see you on BTS BlueEyedSoul.
AD



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 04:58 AM
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In my previous post I touched upon the point of abuse mainly being considered a male on female thing. Would you agree that abuse is generally sterotypical and thought of as a male abuser and the female victim? At what point does the abuser realize that he or she is an abuser and at one point does an abusee realize they are being abused and manipulated? I would place a bet that the depression often seen in the abused is a result of dispair, frustration, and at some point the realization they are being abused. For one that is abused, how could that person not become depressed once they have gained the knowledge that they are being abused?

Dispair, frustration, or the loss of comfort, I can see why it might be hard for some to leave, especially when children are involved. Perhaps an earlier poster is correct and they should grow some giant kahontas, but then again perhaps they should be given the emotional support and strength to leave so that they may realize they have been imprisoned. Remember the definition of my original post an abuser or controller tends to manipulate all those around in an effort to make the abuser appear perfect in the eyes of those around. Imagine an abuse victim constantly being belittled, humiliated, beaten, screamed at, called names, and having all the blame placed upon them. Then imagine their inner circle of friends and family who are manipulated into believing the Abuser is this perfect, can do no wrong, innocent person. It's no wonder they have a hard time leaving becasue they have no support basis.



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 05:05 AM
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Originally posted by BlueEyedSoul
First of all - my heart goes out to those who have found themselves in abusive relationships. I sincerely hope that your wounds are able to heal and that you may be able to move on.

This topic is disturbing to me, but for a different reason. I have always been a bit of a romantic. Flowers, candle-lit dinners, and all that jazz. To witness a man verbally abusing his girlfriend/wife is sickening to me. I could never imagine treating the woman I love that way.

What makes an individual act as a controlling person? What makes them believe that abuse (whether physical or verbal) is justified?



Now a man with those traits is very rare indeed. he has a soul deep as the ocean that can soar with the eagles. Now imagine that personification of a man being the victim and imagine those values and emotions being quenched on a daily basis. Now imagine all of his lifes energy and literally his lifeforce being sucked out of him until he becomes but a shell of his former self. Imagine now everything that you are and everything that you own has been taken from you and now has become your prison.



[edit on 29-4-2008 by photobug]



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 05:30 AM
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reply to post by photobug
 


Photobug, you are correct in that their are males being abused by females as well. I can only speak from my personal experience. He made quite sure I had very little contact with anyone outside the home, was not allowed to work, or have friends. For a long time, I hid from him the fact that I was here on ATS. I didn't want him to take that away from me.
I was very depressed, I felt completely worthless as a human being, and most of all even though I was unhappy, I had resigned myself to the fact that "This is your life" just deal with it. Very sad.
I needed a support network. Badly. And I found it here. One member especially, who is no longer here, and shall remain unnamed, gave me the courage and strength I needed every day to move forward with my life.
At times I think I was a total pain in his ass, but he never said so, just urged me on. It was a very hard hill to climb.
To stay with my ex, for years, seemed like the easy thing to do.I was afraid of what would happen if I left. Now that I see, it would have been more fearful to stay. I did the right thing for me and my children. No one , ever, man, woman or child, should be treated with disrespect. No one should live in fear of another. No one should have to walk on eggshells around the person who is supposed to love them.
Happiness is just around the corner, if you are willing to take the first step.



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 06:04 AM
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reply to post by AccessDenied
 


...yes, sweety, I agree!

We sound alot alike...to this day, I still do not feel single!

It takes alot of time, I guess to feel that way!

I remain being controlled, just not together anymore!

I'm considering moving to Cali, so I can get away, with my sisters!

I'm so tired of feeling negative energy, it makes me want to sleep forever!

I neglect everyone around, I see!



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 06:07 AM
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from my experiences ive actually seen more men get verbally/emotionally abused than women who were physically abused.
i think things are changing because nobody likes a wife beater but everyone seems to tolerate a nagging bitch of a wife.

there has been at least 4 of my friends in a relationship where the woman would totally lose the plot infront of people. they didnt care who was around and it always left me feeling awkward and going "errr, best i leave you to it mate ill catch you next time" - and thats EXACTLY what the women wanted most of the time, just to control their hubbys that bit more.

sometimes there'd be a hole in the wall from whatever his latest gadget is that hes playing with, she'd grab it and start hurling stuff about trying to smash it including one time having a computer ripped from the wall and thrown. (jealousy over time spent with electrical items/gadgets spells very low self esteem if you ask me.)

it comes from self esteem + self respect issues i think. they feel like the only way they can truely keep this person AND get whatever they need from his finances is to be minipulative and drive people away from him.

each of these women were not liked at all by my mates friends because they all experienced the verbal barrage as an outsider in the home, and seen how poorly he was treated.

he always thought he could fix things if he stayed longer, maybe she'll seek help or settle down, but it never usually does. and confronting them causes more aggression in the form of being overly defensive.

ive seen it with many women unfortunately, and its never an attractive quality. its the female opposite of your couch sitting, beer swilling, wife beating husband of the old days.



[edit on 29/4/08 by Obliv_au]



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 06:08 AM
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reply to post by Givenmay
 


Do what makes you happy girl..and ONLY what makes you happy.
That is my motto.
It has brought me far, and so have my ATS/BTS family.
Trust me hon, the loser didn't deserve you.

[edit on 29-4-2008 by AccessDenied]



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 06:11 AM
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reply to post by Obliv_au
 


Tis true they exist as well. Like I said, no one should have to put up with that. EVER. That's not love, that's not a marriage..that's just BS.



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 09:31 AM
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Now consider this, A man who has children and has come to the realization of verbal abuse is put into a difficult situation becsue of his children. How can a man willfully and knowingly leave the realtionship and allow the abuser woman to maintain custody of the children. For a woman it would seem so much easier becasue a woman is almost always granted custody. For a man to gain custody of his children he must prove the woman is eitherean unfit mother or the mother would have to relenquish custody to the father. How then does a man prove the woman is an unfit mother when her personification to the world is that of a perfect little angel? Sure a man could easily leave the relationship but how could anyone leave their children in a situation such as this. If the man is being verbally abused I am sure its safe to say that the children are also getting a taste of that as well.



[edit on 29-4-2008 by photobug]



posted on Apr, 29 2008 @ 10:18 AM
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Originally posted by photobug
thanks for the replies,

Why do you think it takes so long for some people to realize what they are being manipulated?



People have to understand that manipulation is a part of life. Call it what you will but in order to do anything, or get certain things done people need to be manipulated. How many of you have a task that you hate doing and someone reminds you to do the task? How about dropping subtle hints? How about any verbal directions given? Hand or face gestures? Manipulation.

Manipulation doesn't have to be a bad thing always.

I think the word manipulation has gotten a bad or negative connotation attached to it.

How many of you have ever manipulated someone to get a particular response or something you wanted?

Answer: everyone

It starts early on in our lives, children will test their parents by manipulation.

Not all manipulation is bad, it is just how the person on the other end manipulates the other person or group.

What are the intentions? Does the person want or like being manipulated in this fashion, if the answer is no then it's time to work the issue out or move on.

I don't think anyone should be sad or miserable, but don't come up with a permanent solution to a temporary problem, especially if there are children involved.

It takes to to tango and adults can be selfish, point fingers at each other because they are so full of hate, anger and feel sorry for themselves that very little gets solved. Communication is very important on both sides.

Good luck to all in times of troubled waters.



[edit on 29-4-2008 by Realtruth]



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