Feeling Empty..

Ten years ago I had my appendix rupture, and had to undergo an emergency operation. During the operation they gave me too much anesthesia and caused my heart to stop. I was dead for approximately 4 minutes before they were able to successfully resuscitate me.

I remember nothing of the experience to this day. No lights, no tunnels, no long dead relatives waiting to greet me, nada. Since then I've always felt like something was missing from my life, and I feel no spiritual connection like I did before. I've had bouts of depression, feelings of emptiness and an everpresent sense of loneliness. I have a family, and I love them very much, but I still have these feelings occasionally.

I've had the strange idea from time to time that maybe when I died my soul didn't return to my body. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I truly wonder sometimes if it isn't true. I don't even know if something like that is possible.. Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions guys?

I welcome all replies, but please don't joke about it. I've had enough of that already. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Lloyd

reply to post by LLoyd45


LLoyd, don't feel so bad about it. I had a similar experience the last time I went under for some surgery.

They had me count backwards and I recall a person telling me nobody counts back that far........LOL, then lights out!

Next thing I knew I was spewing out the tube from my throat in some room and a nurse running in.

I don't know about you, but I was thankful I didn't remember anything. It was like a dreamless night. Nothing. No memories at all, even when the Dr. came to visit me and told me they were concerned that I almost bled to death.

It might be it wasn't your time to go, and so, you didn't see anything at all.

Take comfort that you didn't have an experience that others have of being in hell!

reply to post by Enthralled Fan
I'm definitely grateful for not having any visions of Hell, that's for sure. If anyone had earned a place there, it was me at that particular juncture in my life. I'm trying to do better now.

I did have a friend who said that's what he experienced when he almost died from a drug reaction, and it literally scared him back on the path of so-called righteousness. He over does it a bit nowadays, but he's still a great guy overall. Thanks for the reply enthralled.

[edit on 4/23/08 by LLoyd45]

I believe you will see your light when the time is right.

reply to post by LLoyd45

I haven't experienced exactly what you went through, but I believe I've had the same sadness or feeling of emptiness. One of the ways to overcome that sadness might be by continuing to share true stories with people, who seem to be willing to have a strong relationship with you & experience what you've gone through just so they can understand you better. I imagine that communicating with sincere people, who have gone through some of the things you've experienced would be a good learning experience for any person.

[edit on 24-4-2008 by ChadAndrewATS]

Sorry about your appendix LLoyd. A burst appendix calls for a total peritoneal lavage to flush the poison out. Happened to a friend of mine. Definitely not a happy place. Glad no canoe ride through hadeys. To be still alive today is testimony to your fight.
An interesting thing happened to me while undergoing a 'ugh' colonoscopy under heavy anesthesia. I had attemped three at the cleveland clinic that demands no anesthesia during procedure. None were successful because I have more than likely have crohns disease. At a different hospital I again had to have procedure due to continued bleeding. I woke up during the procedure to great pain. Something called the 'watcher' instructed dr how to proceed before he ruptured my colon and I would bleed to death in my sleep that night. It also said it would be heavily sanctioned for its actions. Have not been the same since. Even commented on my driving habits, and said the next watcher would have its hands full. It was very bizarre. I feel changed now. Not for the better.

[edit on 4/24/2008 by jpm1602]

reply to post by jpm1602
My emergency appendectomy was botched really bad by the doctor. I had to have the peritoneal lavage as well, and wasn't cleaned out adequately.

I unknowingly had peritonitis for over 9 months because the doctor refused to admit his mistake, and just continued to give me antibiotics. My internal stitches burst from an infection, and I had a strangulated hernia as a result. I finally asked for a new doctor, and he knew immediately what was wrong and corrected it. I don't know how I remained functional with all the internal problems I had, but I did. I guess not knowing how sick I was helped.

I'm sorry to hear about your botched colonoscopy and possible Crohn's disease. Either one is bad enough in and of itself. Sometimes I just don't believe it was meant for our bodies to be opened up and worked on. I guess it's necessary in life-threatening situations, but if I had another viable option I'd definitely take it.

I know I definitely feel different than I did previously, so I can relate to what you're saying. I just feel like I lost something, and don't know where to look for it or even what it was.

I hope you're doing better now, and thanks for sharing your experience with us.

Lloyd

reply to post by ChadAndrewATS
Maybe it's some kind of spiritual deficit we're experiencing. I believe in God, but find myself oft times being critical of the church and it's members. I'm basically an all or none type of person, and try to commit myself totally to something or not all all. When my expectations for myself or others aren't met, I find myself feeling depressed and dejected. I guess lowering my sights a bit would probably help.

Talking about these feelings does help, and it's reassuring to know I'm not completely alone. I appreciate your support and your input greatly. Thanks for the reply.

reply to post by thirdeyeflight
I certainly hope so thirdeye. In this life, the afterlife is about all we have to look forward to. I hate to think I may have missed my boat. Thanks for the reply.

reply to post by LLoyd45
Hey Lloyd. If you don't mind, may I inquire what your passion and pleasure in life is? Do you JUMP out of bed each morning, because today is another day to enjoy that pleasure? Do you have a hobby? I know some may think this lame, but ... without a passion, some meaning or purpose or pleasure in life, getting up each day can seem pretty empty and pointless. It can even begin to seem like life is a chore without reason. If you haven't a hobby or some pleasurable pastime in life, that could be causing you to feel empty and soulless. Without my various hobbies, I'd feel empty inside too.

Life isn't just something to survive (i.e., go to work to support your existence, come home to house chores, pay bills, then sleep, and repeat the same tomorrow). I know a lot of people live like that and seem to survive, but I know I couldn't. My favorite hobby is photography. If you haven't a hobby, pick one, something you'd really like, and throw yourself into it, and soon each day will become fulfilling and a pleasure. My hobbies make all of the other B.S. in life worth it. It's why I jump out of bed each morning.

[edit on 24-4-2008 by Divinorumus]

I can't say I jump out of bed teeming with energy. Anymore life seems rather blasse to me, and I prefer to just focus on day to day living activities. I take care of my animals, get my garden ready for planting, do whatever chores are needed around the house, and wonder when the bottom's going to drop out of our little World.

I used to have a lot of hobbies like like model building, gun collecting, and shooting, but nowadays I mostly worry about undefined things. Maybe I do need some type of recreational activity to distract myself. I guess survivalism doesn't count.

Originally posted by Divinorumus
reply to post by LLoyd45
Hey Lloyd. If you don't mind, may I inquire what your passion and pleasure in life is? Do you JUMP out of bed each morning, because today is another day to enjoy that pleasure? Do you have a hobby? I know some may think this lame, but ... without a passion, some meaning or purpose or pleasure in life, getting up each day can seem pretty empty and pointless. It can even begin to seem like life is a chore without reason. If you haven't a hobby or some pleasurable pastime in life, that could be causing you to feel empty and soulless. Without my various hobbies, I'd feel empty inside too.

Life isn't just something to survive (i.e., go to work to support your existence, come home to house chores, pay bills, then sleep, and repeat the same tomorrow). I know a lot of people live like that and seem to survive, but I know I couldn't. My favorite hobby is photography. If you haven't a hobby, pick one, something you'd really like, and throw yourself into it, and soon each day will become fulfilling and a pleasure. My hobbies make all of the other B.S. in life worth it. It's why I jump out of bed each morning.

[edit on 24-4-2008 by Divinorumus]

I can agree to this, before i did what im doing now i never liked getting up in the mornings. I always woke up and was like well another #ty day at my #ty job. It sucks not enjoying what your doing. That's all changed for me though i found something i love doing, and i mean i wake looking forward to work. Really you can't imagine that i guess if you've had a job like that i guess. Also i have my car now which i love to work on, friends i love to be with, and i can agree with the fact that without a few of these key things in my life i to would be pretty depressed.

reply to post by LLoyd45


I've got to look at this forum more often. This is the second time I've ran into a thread that hit home.

Twenty years ago I went through the same thing and have often had the same thoughts.

I woke up doubled over and fell out of my bed. I literally crawled into the living room and asked my roommate to get me a cab to go to the hospital. I knew it was bad.

An hour later they did an ultra-sound and since the pain was in the center of my abdomen they wrongly thought it was a gall bladder issue. They put me on a gurney and told me the person who could read the ultrasound was not in. A short while later a pain I can't describe swept over my right side and I called a nurse and told her and passed out.

The next thing I remember is a nurse who had got on the gurney with me, was straddling me while we were moving down the hall slapping my face. She was saying Mr. ______, Mr. ________, we need your consent to give you Morphine; nothing else is working. I said yes and went blank again.

This is where it gets strange. I came fully awake, in no pain and I was viewing a Doctor and a Nurse from the opposite side of the operating room. I felt wonderful, no pain and for lack of a better term I felt joy. I could see very clearly, but it seemed like I no longer had any sense of my body. I knew it was me they were standing over and they were having an argument over moving me to the recovery room and the Doctor said "he is already gone, don't bother".

I got angry. I'm not sure why but I remember thinking no I'm not dead even though I could see my form on the operating table and I decided i was going to show this Doctor who is dead or not. Then everything disappeared and I felt the pain and my body again and I passed out.

I asked the Nurse and the Doctor if my memory was correct about the conversation and the Doctor just walked out of my room and said nothing. The Nurse came back later and told me she was the Surgical Nurse and that I quoted them accurately and she seemed nervous.

I kept getting infections and the Korean Doctor would not do anything to help so I had to find a new doctor. A few weeks later he conveniently returned to Korea one step ahead of a batch of law suits. It turned out he had not bothered to stitch me properly when he closed me up because he had no intention of reviving me. I had to deal with tubes and drain bags for a while, along with the infections.

Something changed in me. All my passion for life was gone and I no longer enjoyed doing the things I loved best, including my hobbies. My Boss at the time even commented that something had changed and I almost missed out on a big promotion I'd earned. I had just got back on my feet from shaking a drug habit and this was like the icing on the cake.

I started wondering if I had somehow came back minus a part, my soul, just like you. I think about that often and wonder if I was meant to go at that time and I keep remembering how wonderful I felt while I was dead on that table. I'm not suicidal and I live fairly normal but I can't shake that thought.

Thank you for posting this thread it kind of felt good to get that story out.

I think its important we both keep control of our thoughts on this one, but not a week goes by I don't think about it. I too still feel something is missing.

You may have lost pieces of your soul. Go to a qualified shaman and get a soul retrieval done to bring back those pieces.

God bless you Lloyd. Working in dialysis one of the forms is peritoneal dialysis. As opposed to getting your blood whipped about a machine for 3.5 hrs. One pt who had to go on hemodialysis because his peritoneal catheter became infected and produced a peritoneal infection. He was a 6'4'' 240 lb trucker that looked like he could give atlas a run for his money. He said it was the worst pain he ever encountered. I can not imagine the pain level you functioned at. How nice the initial good dr almost let you die before admitting mistake. That stuff really t's me off.
I guess the premise of the post is 'what happens to us?' in nde's Are part of us stuck over there? While we are stuck here? I can only conjecture.

[edit on 4/24/2008 by jpm1602]

[edit on 4/24/2008 by jpm1602]

[edit on 4/24/2008 by jpm1602]

[edit on 4/25/2008 by jpm1602]

Originally posted by Divinorumus

Life isn't just something to survive (i.e., go to work to support your existence, come home to house chores, pay bills, then sleep, and repeat the same tomorrow).

Its a shame alot of people do think like that... Im only 18 and im one of them struggling to enjoy day to day matters.

"--------------------------------------------------"

To Lloyd something similiar happened to a friend of mine, who happened to have an operation and fell under... He got brought back thank god but ever since he looked empty and wasnt the same anymore. Id try to talk to him about it but he never knew how to explain what he was feeling. He's moved away now so i lost touch but i do hope hes ok and happy again!

I hope you get that feeling back where you wanna feel for things and enjoy stuff more.

Regards
Rev.

Originally posted by LLoyd45
reply to post by ChadAndrewATS

 

Maybe it's some kind of spiritual deficit we're experiencing. I believe in God, but find myself oft times being critical of the church and it's members. I'm basically an all or none type of person, and try to commit myself totally to something or not all all. When my expectations for myself or others aren't met, I find myself feeling depressed and dejected. I guess lowering my sights a bit would probably help.

Talking about these feelings does help, and it's reassuring to know I'm not completely alone. I appreciate your support and your input greatly. Thanks for the reply.

I understand what you mean by all of that. I just want you to get better, and find the good answers, which you & others seek. Thanks for sharing knowledge of your experiences, and seeking the truth.

I am sorry to hear about the experiences that you have all had, and I hope that you can find what is missing in your life.

Although I have never been under anaesthetic or had a near death expereinc,I have from time to time experienced a great feeling of emptiness and as a guy who generally is very good at understanding the feelings and emotions of others, to look inside and feel like something just isn;t right, is no fun at all. At times i've jokingly thought that it because of the bad things I have done in my life, and that with each thing I lost a little of my own soul, then I think that just can't possibly true, but a little part of me, at the very back of my mind still wonders.

We don't know how life works, the relationship between mind body and soul, so who knows, maybe it is possible to lose a part of your soul, either through your actions,or through near death/actual detah and revival expriences. If such a thing is possible, I can only hope that their is a way for people to get back what they have lost.

I don;t want to one day die an empty shell, my soul having long since left me due to my actions, so even though the greater part of me doesn;t really believe any of it, I still try to redeem myself, in the vain attempt to maybe earn back what I might have lost. But that's my problem,my burden, for you, you had no choice in the matter, it happened, if indeed anything happened, whilst youwere unconcious and had no active control of your life, so I hope that for you there is some way to easily re-attain what may have separated itself from you involunatrily, because if you never deserved such a thing, then you should not be punished by this emptiness any more.

But like I said, the greater part of me thinks such things are nonsense, but that little quiet part of me, that stays deep in my mind, that parts with you all the way and hopes upon hope that you can find what is missing in your life, spiritually or otherwise so that you may never have to feel the void again...

reply to post by LLoyd45


I am sorry about your situation and as for the cause which you may or may not know; today's anesthesia contains something that gives you amnesia and because you flat-lined it may have had a deeper impact
physically on you.
The very fact that you still love your friends and family indicates to me that your soul is still in your body. I don't know if you've tried meditation or "laughter yoga" or other Eastern pursuits. Even the Eckart Tolle approach or meditation might help your serenity.
Good luck and don't give up!

Blaine,
Thanks for sharing your story, and I can definitely relate to your feelings of loss. It's a constant thought for me as well. Some days I feel good, and others I get by. I feel funny telling people close to me about my concerns, so sharing with people like yourself ,and the others here on the thread is therapeutic in many ways.

ATS is a blessing. It's a good distraction when I start getting too self-absorbed. I know the World isn't all about me, but sometimes it takes a good kick in the pants by another forum member to help me remeber it. A good debate always perks me up!

PS
I'd like to also express my thanks and gratitude to all the members who have posted on this thread. Your advice, suggestions, personal experiences, and concerns are much appreciated.